Not Even Remotely Close, Part 5

, , , | Right | August 29, 2020

Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

The guest calling is clearly a confused elderly woman.

Guest: “Yes, hello. I have blinking words flashing on my TV screen, and I can’t watch my shows with those on there. Can you take them off?”

Me: “Yes, those are your subtitles. You just have to press a button on your remote that will either say ‘Sub-T,’ or, ‘CC.’ They will turn your subtitles off.”

After a long pause:

Me: “Were you able to find it on your remote?”

Guest: “No, my remote only says, ‘Volume,’ ‘Flash,’ and, ‘Redial.’”

Me: “Ma’am, that is your phone. You have to use your remote.”

I ended up having to send our maintenance guy up to help her out.

Related:
Not Even Remotely Close, Part 4
Not Even Remotely Close, Part 3
Not Even Remotely Close, Part 2
Not Even Remotely Close

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Scarier Than Cabin In The Woods

, , , , | Right | January 14, 2020

(The resort I work for has many rental units from campsites to deluxe cabins open year-round. I’m currently taking phone calls.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “You got any cabins available?”

Me: “For when? For tonight?”

(When people ask this and give no date, it’s for “tonight” 90% of the time, but not this guy:)

Customer: “Ah, no. For [two days from now].”

Me: “It looks like most of our cabins are still open that day.”

(I try to further help him find the cabin that’s right for him, because we have 50+ cabins, and a dozen different layouts and sizes.)

Me: “Do you know which cabin you wanted to rent? Or about what size you needed, like how many bedrooms you need, or how many people you’ll have?”

Customer: “Well, uh, nah. I just wanted to… Hey, how much are they?”

Me: “It would depend on what size cabin you wanted; they range from $160 a night to $600 per night.”

Customer: “Wow, okay, so you can’t tell me how much they are?”

Me: “We have several different sizes of cabins that are all a different cost; it would depend on what size cabin you needed.”

Customer: “I mean, I just wanted to know how much the cabins were.”

(I’m starting to get frustrated at this point; he’s not giving me any information to help him.)

Me: “If you don’t know what size cabin you need, all I can say is that they range from $160 to $600 per night.”

Customer: “Ah, okay, well, tell me what cabin you would like.”

(There’s a very noticeable pause here, because I just can’t fathom how he thinks that will help. I’m thinking I’ll either recommend a one-bedroom cabin that’s too small, or a five-bedroom cabin that costs too much.)

Me: “We have a lot of different options; if you can tell me about how many people you have I can give you a better idea of cost. Do you think it will be two or three people?”

Customer: “Nah, nah, not that many. Uh, um. Well, let me see. So, it may be like eight or ten people.”

(At the lack of basic math skills, I start to suspect prank call, then realize that’s just what I wish it was. My gut tells me he’s just this dumb, but I’m relieved I finally have something to go off of and can start selling.)

Me: “Okay, so, a lot of our cabins can hold six people maximum, and we have just a couple that can hold ten people. A good cabin that would fit your group is the [Cabin #1]; it has [lists all it includes], plus a hot tub outside on the deck. This cabin is $529 per night for one to six people, and $20 more per person after that. So, ten people is $609 per night.”

Customer: “Wow, so really, $600?”

Me: “If you had ten people, yes.”

Customer: “What if I had two people?”

(With most people, I’d suggest a smaller cabin if they only have two people, but this guy seems to be deliberately ignorant, so he’s losing my sympathy.)

Me: “Then it would be $529 per night.”

Customer: “What if I had four people?”

Me: “$529 per night.”

Customer: “Okay, what if the cabin had a hot tub?”

Me: “This cabin does have a hot tub.”

Customer: “Okay, nice, how much is that cabin?”

Me: “That’s the cabin we’re talking about, the [Cabin #1]; it’s $529 per night for one to six people, $609 per night for ten people.”

(Then, his most genuinely insightful line of dialogue is delivered:)

Customer: “Hmm, well, you know, I think I might do a bit more research before deciding. I’ll call you back.”

Me: “Okay, have a nice day.”

​​Customer: *click*

(Every one of our cabins is listed on our website, including photos of inside and out, floor plans, and prices. I also noticed the phone number he dialed to reach us is only listed on the website, so he’d already been to the site once, and decided to call instead of finding the answers for himself.)

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On A Scale Of One To Ten, How Much Of An A** Are You?

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2019

(I work at a ski resort. My coworker is a surveyor on the mountain asking questions of guests and how they like the mountain. The questions are on a one-to-ten scale.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, may I ask you a few questions while you’re riding the chair?”

Skier:Oh, no! Not another survey. I’ve already answered all those long-a** questions and I am not doing it again!”

Coworker: “Okay, well, do you mind if I ask the man sitting next to you?”

Skier:No! I don’t even want to hear them all over again.”

(A few moments pass by, as it’s a long chair.)

Skier: “So, on a scale of one to ten, how pissed are you that I didn’t answer your questions?”

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I Hope It’s Not A Yellow Flavor

, , , , , | Working | December 15, 2019

(I’m working the register for our golf course with another coworker. We’ve hired a new assistant for our greenskeeper. He comes in with a golf club in one hand and half a Gatorade in the other.)

Assistant: “Hey, I found this outside. Can I have it?”

Me: *thinking he’s talking about the golf club* “If no one calls or asks about it in a month, we usually add it to our rentals.”

Assistant: “Oh, no, the Gatorade. I found it outside and wanted to know if I can have it.”

(I look at my coworker, whose jaw is practically on the floor.)

Me: “Uh, I wouldn’t recommend drinking it, but you can if you want to, I guess.”

Assistant: “Okay, great, thanks!”


This story is part of our Golf roundup!

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A Long Wait Un-Till

, , , | Right | November 15, 2019

(I sell tickets in a booth at a ski resort. The mic is not working very well and even when we speak loudly, the customers have trouble hearing us. Because of this and the sun’s reflection on the glass, they often have trouble even acknowledging our presence at the till and we have to call them multiple times before they realize there’s a cashier behind the glass. I’m at till #4. One day, my coworker at till #3 gets up and leaves for her lunch break. I see a customer approaching till #3 to get a ticket. I call him a few times so that he can come to my till, instead. He’s not coming and I don’t see him anymore so I assume he went to till #2 or #1, instead. A few minutes later, I see him coming to me to get a ticket:)

Customer: “I was waiting at that till but the cashier left and she didn’t come back!”

(This customer really kept waiting five minutes for her to come back instead of just going to another till like anyone would! Besides, we have to put a sign to indicate that the till is closed when we leave for lunch break, and there was no one else in the queue so he could have gone to another till very quickly. I tried hard not to laugh!)

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