Health Conscious Mosquitoes Source Their Food

| Dominican Republic | Right | February 10, 2014

(My wife and I are on vacation in a resort. We just had a ‘new arrivals’ meeting, and were told about possible malaria infection from mosquitoes. We both took the appropriate medication before traveling, but not everyone agrees that it is indeed necessary.)

Tourist: “Taking that medication is not necessary you know. I should know, since I work for [our country’s health regulation service]. Every person that has contracted malaria while on holiday here was from [a certain province]. Since we are from [another province] there are absolutely no risk!”

(We laughed so hard we had to leave the room, and are still wondering how the mosquitoes manage to determine the province of origin of the tourist they are about to feast on…)

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The Expiring Is Not Inspiring

| South Africa | Right | January 7, 2014

(I do the entertainment program at the resort. Just to add, I am 25 years old. The children of the guests that stay at the resort will come and play with me. We do arts & crafts, colouring-in, swimming, etc. All the kids are currently sitting down on a round table, busy making some paper dolls. Between the kids there are two girls sitting across the table from me. They are between four and five years old.)

Girl: “So, where are your children?”

Me: “I don’t have any kids.”

Girl: “Where is your husband?”

Me: “I do not have a husband.”

Girl: “Boyfriend?”

Me: “No. I do not have a boyfriend either.”

(The girl elbows the other girl next to her, and says:)

Girl: “Isn’t she past her expiry date?”

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Edits Are Not For Idiots

| USA | Working | September 28, 2012

(My older sister and I both work at a resort. I work in the restaurant, while she edits pamphlets, menus and brochures. One of the other coworkers in the restaurant has written up a nutrition brochure, but gets it back with a lot of corrections because her grammar and spelling are awful.)

Coworker: *waves her edited pamphlet in my face* “That stupid b**** who edits this s*** thinks she’s so f***ing smart, doesn’t she?”

Me: “Well, actually… she is really smart.”

Coworker: “Well, how do you know?”

Me: “She’s my sister.”

Coworker: “Tell your sister that I’m not a retard and she can’t make all these edits!” *throws the pamphlet at me*

Me: “Well, first of all, my sister’s an English major. Second…” *points at the corrections* “…she’s right. The things she marked as needing to be corrected are wrong.”

Coworker: “F*** you!”

(My coworker spots a manager and stomps up to them.)

Coworker: “Tell the b**** who made these corrections we aren’t making any changes to my pamphlet!”

Manager: *looks over the corrections* “No.”

Coworker: “Why the h*** not?!”

Manager: “Because we want the pamphlets to sound like they were written by an educated person.”

Coworker: “I quit!”

(Thankfully, my sister now prepares the pamphlets and brochures… properly edited, of course.)

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But They Come From Different Moms

| Michigan, USA | Working | September 3, 2012

(By coincidence, the last three coworkers I’ve encountered have all been named David. In walks a fourth.)

Me: “It’s one of the Dave’s I know!”

David: “Huh?”

Me: *embarrassed* “Oh… it’s, uhm… never mind. Just this old Kids in the Hall bit—”

David: *singing* “These are the Daves I know, I know. These are the Daves I know…”

Related:
These Are The Daves I Know
(YouTube video)

Saying One Thing Means A Mother

| CO, USA | Romantic | January 30, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are at a ski resort, and are having a little bit of an altercation. It is mostly joking, but serious enough that his best friend can tell I’m actually getting upset.)

Boyfriend: “Why is everybody freaking out? Everybody needs to stop freaking out!”

Me: “Why do you say ‘everybody’ when you just mean me? After all, I’m the only one freaking out.”

Best friend: *trying to comfort me* “You’re his everything. He just means that you’re everyone that matters to him. So when he says everybody, he just means you.”

Boyfriend: “Well, sometimes ‘everybody’ means my mom.”

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