So My Teacher’s An Axe Murderer

| Learning | May 4, 2017

(I am 12 and in Sunday school. The teacher is different in that she isn’t strict, so everyone is just talking while she’s trying to read the Bible to us. Finally, she gets up.)

Teacher: “Okay, if you aren’t interested, let’s do something else.”

(She stuffed us all in her van, and drove us to her house! Then she brought us treats and let us watch ‘So I Married an Axe Murderer.’ At the time, I thought it was the best, but looking back, I realize that it was really weird. She basically kidnapped us since she didn’t get our parents’ permission!)

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What You Lack In Intelligence You Make Up For In Ignorance

, , , , | Learning | April 3, 2017

(I attend a private religious school and we are currently in ninth grade Bible class. Our teacher has given us a character worksheet to help us determine our strengths and weaknesses. One section involves us circling five words we would use to describe ourselves. The list has about 50 words with the most difficult word being vivacious. The class is mostly girls and is divided into ‘popular’ and ‘nerdy’, with me and my friends being on the nerdy side of the room.)

Popular Girl: “Mr. [Teacher], I don’t know what all these words mean.”

Teacher: “For now just stick with the words you know.”

Friend: *whispers* “That’s gonna be a small list for her.”

Teacher: “Just don’t start asking me what the words mean. I’d rather not waste our entire class time having to read a dictionary.”

Popular Girl: “Mr. [Teacher], what does intelligent mean?”

(The whole class, including the teacher laughs.)

Teacher: “Haha, very funny [Popular Girl], but seriously, I’d like us to have this done before the end of class.”

Popular Girl: “But I don’t know what it means.”

All: “Seriously?”

Popular Girl: “I really don’t know.”

Teacher: “Uh… if you don’t know, then don’t circle it.”

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A Superior A**-Hole

, | Learning | February 17, 2017

Theology Teacher: “Okay! So we’ve established that humans have superior intellects and free will. The real question now is, what do we do with it? Any ideas, [Student]?”

Student: *clearly very lost* “Um, rub it in the other animals’ faces?”

Theology Teacher: “Well, it’s not suggested, but I suppose you could. ‘Ha Ha, I was made in the image and likeness of God and you weren’t! TAKE THAT, FIDO!’”

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Too Soon?

| Learning | January 11, 2017

(Our faculty meets for prayer before the students arrive each morning.)

Teacher #1: “It’s so wonderful, following the Lord’s will! I was just reading about John the Baptist being beheaded … I can just see his smiling face!”

Teacher #2: *catching the image of a gory, severed head grinning on a platter, starts to giggle*

Teacher #3: *snort! chortle!*

Teacher #2: *full blown, unstoppable laughter*

Administrator: *valiantly stifling her own laughter* “I think we’d better end now.”

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Any Day Is Lightened By Puns

| Learning | September 20, 2016

(One of the classroom lights does not come on.)

Teacher: “Everyone raise your hands!”

(All the students do so.)

Teacher: “That’s odd. I thought ‘Many hands make light work.’”

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