(I’m a woman, and I’ve stopped to fill up my tank. I’m the only one at the station. A red sports car comes up and parks on the opposite side of mine. A woman gets out and walks over to the trash can between the stations. She is rather oddly dressed: knee-high boots, leggings, tunic, jacket, and a scarf, so only her face and hands show.)

Woman: *throwing away a very tiny item* “Hi, how are you?”

Me: “Hello.”

Woman: “Do you know any deaf people who need help interpreting the Bible?”

Me: *confused look*

(I’m a bit surprised at the abrupt questioning, as we’ve only traded the barest of greetings. She apparently thinks my hesitation is over not knowing what deaf means, as she begins using hand gestures.)

Woman: “Do you know anyone who is deaf and needs help interpreting the Bible because they can’t hear? A deaf person who is unable to hear sounds, and needs help with the Bible?”

Me: *now really flummoxed* “Ah, no. I don’t.”

Woman: “Okay. The reason I ask is because we’re Jehovah’s Witnesses, and we’re looking for deaf people to help interpret the Bible so they understand the Word of God. We’re looking for people so we can go to their homes and help with reading the Bible.”

(She then stares at me for a few moments, as if waiting for me to comment on this. As I’m still trying to process that a complete stranger asked me for a deaf person’s address, I say nothing. She blinks, and then gets back in the car and zooms off, without getting any gas. It is only later that a thought occurs to me.)

Me: “Why would a deaf person need interpreters for the Bible? They can read!”

Related:
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 12
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 11
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 10

(At this time, I am working at fast food place known for its ice cream. We are in the middle of a popular promotion where if you buy one of our signature products, you get the second one for 99 cents. There are several signs all over the store, including one sitting on the register. A man comes in with his wife and two younger children. It happens to be Easter Sunday.)

Me: *smiling* “Hi! Welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get you?”

(The man is pleasant enough, and orders food for his family, as well as one of our signature products for himself. I’m about to ask him if he wants the 99 cent one, but he looks right at the promotional sign on our register, appears to read it, then goes back to ordering. The little boy’s meal doesn’t come with a drink, so I ask what he wants to drink.)

Customer: *ignores his son, who is asking for pop* “He’ll just have water.”

(I hand him one of our free water cups. We rely on customers being honest and generally don’t have an issue with them trying to get free drinks out of us by taking a water cup and getting pop instead. Apparently, the boy has no issues with it and immediately fills it up with pop. I wince, because though he’s technically stealing, I’m not allowed to say anything about it. I wait for the dad to reprimand him. He doesn’t, so I reluctantly let it go. As he’s paying…)

Customer: *as he hands me his money* “Today is such a good day.”

Me: *nods absently as I count out his change* “Yup, the weather is really nice today.”

Customer: “Oh, no, today is a good day because it’s the day Christ rose for us after dying for our sins!”

(Not being particularly religious, I simply smile politely and finish handing out his change, and he sits down. When he comes up to the counter a few minutes later for his food, he notices the promotional signs.)

Customer: “Oh! I didn’t notice that earlier. Could I get my second one now?”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but by our policy, you have to buy both during the same transaction to get the promotional offer.”

Customer: *frowning* “But you know I already bought one.”

Me: *smiling apologetically* “I know it seems silly, but even if you haven’t left the store, I have to follow policy. The owners are pretty strict about being consistent. I’m really sorry.”

(The man stands there for a minute, looking at the signs on the menu, then looks back to me smiling.)

Customer: “I think Jesus would want you to give me the 99 cent [Item].”

Me: *taken off guard* “I… I’m sorry, sir, but I still can’t break policy.”

Customer: *shrugs and starts to take his food back to his seat* “Well, Jesus loves you, anyway!”

(The man and his family finished their meals without incident, but I have to say, that was the first time I’d ever had anyone use Jesus as a way to get around a policy, and after letting their child steal!)

Related
What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 4
What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 3
What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 2

This story is part of our Easter 2024 roundup!

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Coworker: “Hey, did you know that [Coworker] is Muslim?”

Me: “Yes.”

Coworker: “He was saying he’s really devout, too. I wonder how long he has left?”

Me: “Until what?”

Coworker: “Until he’s deported, silly!”

Me: “He’s a British citizen.”

Coworker: “No, he isn’t. Muslims come from Syria and all those backward places.”

Me: “We share the same birthday. Our mums were on the same ward, literally next to each other sometimes.”

Coworker: “It doesn’t matter. He’ll be deported.”

Me: “I doubt that. You have a greater chance of being deported.”

(She’s American.)

Coworker: “Little old me? Don’t be silly. Christians aren’t kicked out of Christian countries. We have standards.”

Me: “Your Christianity won’t mean much if your visa expires.”

(She scoffed, but looked nervous for the rest of the week. When I spoke to our “Muslim” coworker later on, he said she barged into one of our prayer rooms, lighting a cigarette, and then harassed him for twenty minutes about why he was praying. A complaint was filed and she has been more reserved since, although she gives us nasty looks whenever we are near.)

(I work at a canteen inside an office building. I have served a woman who has gone to pick up the cutlery for her meal. She returns with a fork in hand.)

Woman: “This is a fork. I want a spoon.”

Me: “Spoons are right next to the forks.” *points at the table she was just stood at*

Woman: “But I want this to be a spoon.” *grabs my arm tightly* “Let’s pray.”

(She closes her eyes and starts muttering. I think it’s Hebrew, but as I have never been religious, I’m not 100% certain. She opens her eyes and glares at the fork in defeat before shouting at me:)

Woman: “YOU DIDN’T PRAY HARD ENOUGH!” *throws fork at me and leaves*

(I work in a bakery. The customer places her order and I slice and bag her bread. All goes normally.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice afternoon.”

Customer: “It won’t be; I have five boys I have to go home to.”

Me: “Well, I hope it’s not too bad.”

Customer: “I didn’t want kids, but Jesus says we have to have as many as possible.”

(I look at my senior coworker with a WTF look.)

Customer: “Are you married? You should have kids. Jesus says we have to have kids.”

(At this point she starts yelling at my coworker and me that we have to have children. Finally, there is a pause in her ranting and I try to get her out of the store.)

Me: “Have a nice day. See you next time.”

Customer: *shakes her head but finally walks off*

Me: *to coworker* “What was that?”

Coworker: “You have finally met a crazy. We get a few.”