(It’s the holiday season. I’m up at the registers, doing things like organizing returns, checking prices for other cashiers, and pulling online orders. While I’m working behind the line of cashiers, I hear a woman talking to my coworker.)

Customer: “Ugh, I hate hearing ‘Happy Holidays.’ Everyone only celebrates Christmas anyway.”

(I hold back laughter and walk over.)

Me: “Ma’am, did you just say everyone celebrates Christmas anyway?”

Customer: “YES! None of these… other holidays!”

Cashier: “Yeah, I’m Jewish. Happy Hanukkah!”

(The woman stops with a shocked look on her face. I smile.)

Me: “And I celebrate Yule. Happy solstice!”

(She finished her transaction in silence. My coworker high-fived me.)

(I am middle-management working at a major chain bookstore during the Christmas rush. A seemingly very pleasant woman who has been there for several hours, obviously doing the bulk of her holiday shopping, finally finishes her shopping and approaches the counter, countless piles around her and in her arms. I would estimate she has somewhere around 100 books, along with several other items — bookmarks, book lights, journals, pens, etc. It takes me the better part of thirty minutes to ring it all up, bag it up, and carry it around to the counter. It’s probably four or five large shopping bags full and a tally, if I recall, in the $300 range. Everything goes smoothly, not a hitch, with everyone happy. She starts to pick up her bags, stops, and notices a sign on the wall.)

Customer: “You sell the Harry Potter books?”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’m not shopping here. I want to return all of this stuff now! I won’t shop somewhere that pushes the occult and Satanism on children!”

(I work the front desk at an assisted living home. My desk is in an area set up like a living room. Residents and their visitors hang out here throughout the day. I always have music playing for them — pretty much always something instrumental. Today, being Christmas Eve, I have a jazz piano holiday playlist playing. Most people are very appreciative of it, and so far — of what I’ve paid attention to — it’s been Christmas songs. Then, I recognize a song that relates to Hanukkah. It’s a very upbeat song and I’m enjoying it even though I don’t celebrate the holiday, because music is music. Then, this lady who I recognize as the daughter of a resident, comes up with a look of Hell’s own fury upon her face.)

Resident’s Daughter: “It’s Christmas! This is a Christian place!”

(It’s not; we have residents and staff of several religions here.)

Resident’s Daughter: “My dad hates this song!”

(He’s actually sitting in his wheelchair smiling and nodding along to the beat.)

Resident’s Daughter: “Why are you playing this disgusting bulls***?!”

(And then, after she blows her gasket, she asks me to turn it off. Cue my customer service face:)

Me: “No, ma’am, the rest of my residents and their visitors seem to be enjoying it.”

Resident’s Daughter: “You’re a godd*** Jew-lover!” *explodes into an incoherent rage of screaming and profanities*

Me: *customer service smile again* “Yes, ma’am. I love Jewish people, Christians, Muslims, Pagans… Religion doesn’t matter to me. I judge a person based on their character.”

(I think her eyeballs about popped out of her face as she turned a wonderfully festive shade of red, did more of the incoherent screaming and swearing thing, and then stomped out the door… or tried to, because I didn’t unlock the door in time and she kind of smacked into it. Oops.)

(It’s the holiday season. We’ve gotten a LOT of people getting mad that we say, “Happy holidays,” but this one takes the cake. I’m ringing a woman out and I hand her the receipt.)

Me: “Happy holidays!”

Customer: “No! It’s ‘Merry Christmas’! That’s the only holiday!”

(My coworkers all hear.)

Me: “Well… happy Yule!”

Coworker #1: “Happy Hanukkah!”

Coworker #2: “Merry Solstice!”

Coworker #3: “Happy Kwanzaa!”

Coworker #2: “Happy New Year!”

(The customer stormed out. My next customer high-fived me.)

(It’s Christmas time after the 2012 elections. We’re always really busy and the demand for Christmas stamps is very high. There are usually two types: one religious and one secular.)

Customer: “I need four books of Christmas Stamps.”

Me: “Would you like religious stamps or Santa?”

(I show him the stamps so he can choose.)

Customer: “I don’t want any of those d*** [other religion] stamps. D*** Obama, making us have [other religion] Christmas stamps now. 

Me: *now dead inside* “Sir, that’s the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus.”

(There is silence in the packed lobby for a few seconds until someone in the back chuckles.)

Customer: “Well, [Conservative Political Commentator] said there were [other religion] stamps! I’ll take Santa.”