Harry Potter And The Helicopter Christian Mothers

, , , , , | Right | April 28, 2020

I am a children’s librarian at the height of “Harry Potter” mania. When the sixth book is about to come out, I prepare an activity-packed celebration at the branch and have many kids sign up to come. The day before the program, a mother approaches me.

Patron: “Is there a separate program tomorrow for people who don’t like Harry Potter?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patron: “As a Christian parent, I believe Harry Potter corrupts children. I don’t want my son exposed to it.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, this certainly isn’t the only program we’re doing this summer. We do evening activities like this every few weeks on a wide variety of topics. Here’s a schedule—”

Patron: “But we’ll be here tomorrow!”

Me: “So, you’d like us to have a second, non-Harry Potter program at the same time for your son to attend?”

Patron: “Yes, exactly!”

Me: “By himself?”

Patron: “I’ll have you know there are many Christian families in this community! I’m sure they’d love to come!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid that just isn’t feasible. We haven’t the space, time, or staff to run two major programs at once on such short notice.”

Patron: “But, but, he’ll feel so left out!”

She demanded to speak to my supervisor, filled out a complaint form, and insisted for fifteen minutes that we should provide wholesome programs as alternatives to the “godless” ones.

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Come For The Buffet, Stay For The Curses!

, , , , , | Right | April 25, 2020

(I’m the manager at a buffet restaurant. We have tables for small parties and large parties. Large party tables — ten and more people — require a charge of gratuity added to the payments. A family comes in with eight people. They are very rude with the hostess, so the hostess grabs my attention.)

Me: “How can I help you guys today? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “We want this larger table since we are large people.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if we do give that twelve top to you we will be required to charge a 15% gratuity to your checks, due to us having to compensate the loss of a large party to the servers.”

Customers: “I guess we’ll go somewhere else.”

(I bow my head in respect.)

Me: “If that is your decision.”

(They leave, but then one of the males returns — the husband.)

Husband: “I’d like to talk to you.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I have a reservation I’m assisting at the moment. If you could please wait—”

(He interrupts me even when the other reservation customer is right there.)

Husband: “You just lost a large group of customers. You just lost a lot of money.”

Me: “I understand that, but you did not agree with our policies, and you voluntarily walked out on your own.”

Husband: “I am a man of God!”

(I am taken aback a bit.)

Me: “Oh? I also am a Christian. I don’t get how that is relevant.”

Husband: “I am a man of God! And I curse this establishment!”

Me: “Is this really happening?”

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Reflect On Rejection Of Rectory Reflections

, , , , , | Learning | April 20, 2020

I go to a private Catholic high school; however, there aren’t really any non-religious private schools in the area so a decent amount of the students, myself included, are just there for the education and couldn’t care less about the religious aspects of the school.

Every year during Lent, my school sends out daily Lenten reflections through our email. During my senior year, these emails come up in conversation in one of my classes.

Teacher: “Oh! Did y’all read the Lenten reflection yesterday? I thought it was so good.”

Friend: *Laughing* “No, I just delete those as soon as I see them in my inbox.”

Almost all of my classmates nod their heads in agreement with my friend. The teacher genuinely looks bewildered.

Teacher: “Wha— What? Why not?! They’re always so sweet.”

Half The Class: “I’m not religious.”

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You Need Saintlike Patience For These Priests

, , , , , , | Learning | April 17, 2020

This takes place in the nineties when I am attending Catholic School. A few other students and I are discussing “Sunday Obligation” — the fact that it’s a mortal sin to choose to skip Mass on Sundays — with one of the priests that teaches there. Catholics are allowed to attend Saturday Night Vigil Mass and it counts for one’s Sunday Obligation. 

Me: “My family usually goes to the Saturday evening Mass at [Church] because my mom often works on Sundays.”

Priest: *All high and mighty* “What kind of a place would make a Catholic Christian mother work on a Sunday? The Lord’s day?!”

Me:Saint [Name]’s Hospital. She’s an emergency room nurse.” 

Priest: “…”

That shut him up.

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, , , , | Right | March 24, 2020

(In our magic section, we have some fortune-telling items. They’re obviously meant for little kids and none of us take them seriously. One day, I see a customer looking very disapprovingly at that section.)  

Me: “Hi, is there anything I can help you with?” 

Customer: “No, but you can tell me why you’re selling pendulums and tarot cards for kids.” 

Me: “For fun. They’re just little toys.” 

Customer: “No, they’re not for fun. I’m a psychic medium, and you’re actually generating spiritual energy with those. Pendulums and tarot cards are dangerous, as well as ouija boards. They are not for kids, and they are not to be played with.” 

(At this point, I have to excuse myself; I can’t keep a straight face anymore. A couple of minutes later, I’m at the cash desk, and the same customer comes up, still looking very disapproving. At our store, all transactions begin by asking for the customer’s phone number.) 

Me: “Can I get your phone number, please?” 

Customer: “No, but you can get me the head office’s phone number.” 

(I gesture my manager over, who gives the customer the head office’s number while the customer complains to her.)

Customer: “I don’t agree with you selling pendulums and tarot cards to kids. I’m a psychic medium, and low-level spirits can actually be summoned with those, and they can attach themselves to kids, and it’s not pretty when they do.” 

Manager: “Well, we appreciate your feedback, ma’am. Here’s the phone number for our head office, and if you call them and give them your feedback I’m sure they’ll take that into account.” 

(The customer leaves, still not very happy with us. My manager and I managed to keep straight faces the whole time, but I’m starting to smile a bit about it now.) 

Next Customer In Line: “Man, that lady was a nutcase.”

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