When I was in college, I worked in food service at a famous theme park that revolved around a particular mouse mascot. Back then, there was an annual event called “Night Of Joy”. Officially, it was an event where the park was closed early to the public, and Christian schools from all over came to the park for a mixture of fun and Christian music. 

In reality, it was just a bunch of horny teenagers running around banging in the darkest corners they could find in the happiest place on earth.

A coworker came up to me and just sighed.

Me: “That bad?”

Coworker: “It’s gotten to the point where [a certain dark and slow ride] had to be closed. The teens figured out it’s an eight-minute intimate, unsupervised ride.”

Me: “Well… I found a condom!”

Coworker: “Oh, my God! Gross! Have you called Custodial to come and remove it?”

Me: “I tried, but since they’re so occupied, they told me to wait. So, now, I have to babysit a condom under my table for the next twenty-five minutes while the organizers keep coming up to me commenting on how nice the park is now that the ‘worldly’ heathens aren’t around to ruin it.”

Coworker: “I’ll pray for both of us.”

I am checking out a customer who is here with her daughter and her mother, so three generations of women. The daughter — four years old — is having a great time talking to herself. The grandmother seems to be upset by this.

Grandma: “It’s totally inappropriate for her to have an imaginary friend, and I’m embarrassed by it!”

Mom: *To Grandma* “You get on your knees every night and talk to your sky friend and ask him to forgive you for gambling even though you play the lottery every week. She’s a four-year-old girl. What’s your excuse?”

We have this one creepy customer who likes to come in and just watch all the waitresses work. We know what he’s doing because we always catch him watching and he never hangs around long when the guys are working.

One day, he’s feeling brave after thinking my being polite means he can open up to me.

Customer: “Ya know, I love my wife, but I also love staring at all you beautiful women. In the biblical sense, of course.”

He’s looking me up and down with his creepy grin as he says it.

Me: “Since we’re being biblical, the Bible also tells you to pluck out your own eye. Matthew 5:29-30.”

He didn’t talk to me much after that…

Related:
Don’t Quote Scripture Unless You Quote All Scripture

Customer: “I need to come by later for [large bread order]. And I need those to be kosher; it’s for a Jewish family.”

Employee: “Oh, all of our products are kosher, as it’s a kosher bakery.”

Customer: “Still, I just wanted to make doubly sure.”

Employee: *Starts writing a note* “I’ll leave a note to the bakers just so they’re aware, but everything they bake is kosher, so you should be good.”

Customer: *Looking at the note* “I’d like to speak to your manager, please.”

Since I am the manager and I am standing nearby, I introduce myself and ask how I can help.

Customer: “If you’re a kosher bakery, why do you have someone so… problematic working here?”

Me: “What do you mean?” 

Customer: *Pointing at my employee* “This man just wrote a note, and he didn’t capitalize the J in ‘Jewish family’. He’s not giving respect to the Jewish people!”

Me: “That’s a simple grammatical error; he didn’t mean anything by it.”

Customer: “Someone working in a kosher bakery should not be making those kinds of—” *finger quotes* “—grammatical errors! You need to have better standards!” 

That’s it. I am done with her. After decades of trying to meet customers like this in the middle, I now know better.

Me: “Ma’am, it was a simple error and not anything that will negatively impact our quality of service to you. Instead of making a helpful suggestion or constructive critique, you are intentionally making a big deal out of this and assuming the worst. Please leave.”

Customer: “You’re refusing me service?!”

Me: “I see simple human error, but you jumped straight to assumed bigotry. I’ve wasted too many hours of my life trying to argue with people like you — people who just want to antagonize instead of have a healthy discussion. No, I’m too old for people like you. Please leave.” 

Customer: “You’re kicking me out… because of a spelling mistake?!”

Me: “Oh, so, now it’s just a simple grammatical error?!”

I held the door open, and she stormed through it, never to be seen again.

Customer: “Why is part of your hair pink?”

Me: “I like coloring my hair sometimes.”

Customer: “It makes you look like a [gay slur]. You’re gonna go to Hell if you keep making showy un-Christian displays of yourself like that!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you’re lacking God-like empathy in your heart. I’ll pray for you.”

Customer: “You… will pray for me?! It should be me praying for you! You sinner!“

Me: “I’m so sorry that the Devil has made his home in your heart. You will be in my prayers tonight. I hope you can find your way back to the Lord.”

Customer: *Sputtering* “Stop it! I’m the holy one! Leviticus 18:22!”

Me: “Yes, even The Devil can quote scripture, but does that mean he understands it? I’ll pray for God to grant you understanding in the fullness of His Word.”

Customer: “Will… you… stop it?!“

Me: “I cannot. The power of Jesus compels me.”

The customer actually screeches and storms out without their groceries. The next customer timidly approaches.

Next Customer: “Did you just flip their script?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, it works wonders on homophobic suburban housewives and old bigots. The joy of watching their confusion as you call out their un-Christian behavior with actual Christian behavior is worth the hassle of putting back all their groceries.”

Next Customer: “‘Good Christian’ hacks. I’ll remember it!”