Why DID They Have Belly Buttons?

, , , , | Learning | May 23, 2020

I’m a private English tutor in Spain, and from time to time I help my students with other subjects they are also being taught in English.

During an intense lesson in science and the reproductive system:

Me: “So, do you remember what we said about Adam and Eve, and why they have a belly button?”

Student: “Yes, I do. I also asked about it in religion class.”

Me: “Oh, really? And what did they say?”

Student: “The nun kicked me out!”

I high-fived him. Hard not to laugh! Question authority, little man!

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God Is Busy With Revelations, Fighting Evil, And Ensuring That Maude Gets Her Items On Clearance

, , , , , | Right | May 22, 2020

Every Sunday, we scan items on the sales floor and mark them down for clearance. Customers will sometimes see what we’re doing and ask us to scan items they want to buy to see if they’re on clearance, and since it only takes a second of our time, we’re allowed to oblige them.

It’s currently the afternoon and a sweet little old lady who looks like she just came from church approaches me with some jewelry.

Sweet Lady: “Excuse me, but I noticed you were doing the clearance and I wanted to buy this, but I was wondering if you could see if it’s on sale for me?”

She hands me the jewelry and I happily scan it for her. The machine beeps and prints out a clearance ticket for the item.

Me: “You’re in luck. It’s on clearance!”

The lady suddenly shouts at the floor, catching me by surprise.

Sweet Lady: “YES! Screw you, Satan! That’s another victory for the Lord!”

She then shuffled off to pay for her items while I tried hard not to burst out laughing.

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Get Behind Me, School Supplies!

, , , , , , | Right | May 16, 2020

We are nearing the beginning of the school year and I have a lady come up who is just livid — not with me or the store, but with the school.

Customer: “This is just stupid! Get this! I am paying for my child to go to [Private School], it costs a fortune, and they’re making me buy school supplies! This is just stupid!”

I finish ringing up her order. I look at the total and then look back to her.

Me: “This wouldn’t happen to be a Catholic School, would it?”

Customer: “Yeah. Why?”

Me: “Well, your total is… $6.66.”

The customer stares for a moment and then laughs.

Customer: “I think I need to buy a candy bar now.”

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Maybe That Pentagram Tattoo On Your Forehead Has Something To Do With It…

, , , | Right | May 8, 2020

I’m working in the drive-thru, cashing out orders.

Me: “Here’s your food, and have a nice day.”

Customer: “Thanks. Here’s something for you.”

The customer hands me a Christian pamphlet, telling me I can be saved, and drives away.

Me: *Sighs* “[Manager], I have to ask: is there a sign floating above my head saying, ‘This chick needs Jesus!’?”

Manager: “Another one? What is that now, three?”

Me: “Four.”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a religious handout at the window?”

Me: “Don’t worry; it only ever happens to me.”

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Are You Prepared For What Happens When I Throw You Out?

, , , , , | Friendly | April 30, 2020

I have a sign on my gate that says, among other things, “NO RELIGIOUS INQUIRIES.”

I’m enjoying a Saturday when my doorbell rings. At my front door is a woman in extremely casual dress; she looks like a biker chick. There are various females outside my gate. I’m instantly cautious.

Me: “Hello.”

Woman: “I see by your sign that you don’t want religious inquiries, but I’m not here to talk about religion. I just want to give you a gift. But before I give you the gift, I just want to ask, are you ready for what happens to your soul after you die?”

The girls and other women behind the gate look uncomfortable.

Me: “You need to leave.” 

She protests.

Woman: “I didn’t make any religious inquire-eyes! I just offered you a gift!”

Me: “You need to leave.”

Woman: “But I’m offering you a gift!”

Me: “Leave now.”

She left, but I wish I had called the police. In my jurisdiction, ignoring the sign is trespassing. And yes, asking me if I’m prepared for the afterlife is a religious inquiry. Across the street, I could see the male division of her party harassing my neighbor.

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