You Can Remember Some Of The Papal Some Of The Time

, , , , | Friendly | May 15, 2021

My aunt one day meets the local priest somewhere in their very small hometown, where everybody knows everyone. After exchanging the usual greetings, the priest asks her:

Priest: “So, how is your husband doing?”

Aunt: “You tell me; you buried him last year!”

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So Much For Hope!

, , , , , | Friendly | May 11, 2021

I am in a very dark mood one day when someone knocks at my front door. When I open it, two young women are standing there, one holding a Bible and the other various pamphlets.

I’m not religious but I don’t object to other people having or professing religious beliefs, and ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind having a chat with two very pretty ladies, but today is the exception. They start their spiel.

Visitors: “Could I ask you what you think of the state the world is in today?”

Me: “Frankly, I think the sooner the human race wipes itself out, the better.”

Visitors: “…”

They tried to continue but, somehow, their hearts just didn’t seem to be in it anymore.

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Give Them To Me Before I Go Biblical On You

, , , , , | Right | April 29, 2021

I see a customer with an armful of Bibles. He’s heading towards the fiction section. I approach him.

Me: “Sir, please put those back.”

Customer: “Why? How do you know I’m not going to buy them?”

I hold up my hand.

Me: “Look, drop the act. We all know you’re going to put these in the fiction section because you think it’s funny. But you’re the fifth person to do it this month and it’s not funny; it’s just a lot more work for us to find them and put them back. If you’re going to actually buy them, then the checkout is in the opposite direction from where you’re walking. If not, please just hand them over so I can put them away correctly.”

To his credit, he looked defeated and handed them all over.

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We Have Often Entertained Angels Unaware

, , , , , , | Related | April 22, 2021

I was raised Catholic and used to be very involved in the church. I was baptized and confirmed, I used to be a catechism teacher in high school, I was in the youth group and youth choir, my sister was in the choir and was an altar server, my mom was a catechism teacher for over a decade, and my father was a lector and Eucharistic minister. We went to church every Sunday. Sometime after I moved out of my parents’ house, I stopped going to church, mostly out of laziness.

It is Palm Sunday, the weekend before Easter. I am at my parents’ house, and they invite me to church with them. I decide to go — why not? On the car ride to church and during mass, my dad starts “preparing” me for what mass is going to be like, basically teasing me and pretending this is my first time ever in a church. He explains what a missalette is, tells me when to sit, stand, and sing, and makes small comments throughout mass with a tiny smile on, so I know he’s joking.

It is time for communion. My mom is standing between us. My dad leans over.

Dad: “After the priest gives you communion, you say ‘Amen’.”

I smile, he stands back on his side, and I whisper to my mom:

Me: “I thought I was supposed to say, ‘Compliments to the chef’?”

She lets out a laugh/snort and covers her mouth to hide her smile. My dad, clueless, asks her to relay what I said. She tells him, and he looks at me, trying to stifle a giggle. Hiding his smile, he tells me:

Dad: “You’re going to Hell.”

I hope God has a sense of humor.

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Moonshine Is The Devil’s Drink; Wine Is A Gift From God

, , , , , , | Related | April 12, 2021

My mother-in-law recently bought a house in a small rural town and asked my husband and me to move in with her. She is very religious and has an interesting take on what is moral and what isn’t. Once we get settled in, I decide to learn a bit about the local history.

Me: “And did you know that [Town] used to be called [Name] Tavern? It was known for its moonshine. It’s a shame that there isn’t a bar in town called [Name] Tavern, but since it’s a dry county, I guess that’s out.”

Mother-In-Law: “We have moved into a hotbed of sin and alcoholism! We live in a tavern! How will I ever face my friends again?! They’ll think I’m a dirty liquor lover if they ever find out! Moonshine is the devil’s drink!

My husband then comes out of his office. 

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], do you feel like driving to [Neighboring Town] and getting us some wine to go with the steaks tonight?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, get me a good Pinot Grigio while you’re there. I’m almost out.”

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