(We are a prepay station. A little old lady walks in.)

Lady: “So what, I can’t get gas now because so many idiots drive off? What kind of world do we live in that a Christian doesn’t get treated right?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, Ma’am, we lost over 75,000 gallons of gas last year due to drive-offs.”

Lady: “This is just stupid. Why don’t you just turn the d*** pump on? I’m filling up, I don’t know how much it’s going to take.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can either leave your keys, a credit card, or an ID, and I’ll be more than happy to turn the pump on.”

(The lady hands me a $20 bill.)

Me: “Alright, I’ll just prepay this 20, and it’ll shut off for you when it hits 20.”

Lady: “No no no. That’s my down payment. Turn the pump on and I’ll come pay the rest.”

(I sigh and turn the pump on, I’m really not supposed to, but at least I’ll have some money to put towards it if she drives away. The lady goes out and pumps her gas, comes back in to pay.)

Lady: “One day, the Lord is going to come down and smite everybody who doesn’t respect the Christians who live by the rules.”

Man Behind Her: “I’m going to be a good Atheist and prepay my gas. $15 on pump 3, please, and thank you.”

This story is part of the “Customers Who Don’t Know How The World Works” roundup!

Read the next roundup story!

Read the roundup!

Female Customer: *from 15 feet away* “Hey, you!”

Me: “Yes?”

(Customer comes over with her friends and a dirty soccer-ball-shaped pillow.)

Female Customer: “This is the last one and it’s dirty. I want 20% off!”

Me: “I’d like to give you a discount, but you’ll have to talk to one of my superiors. I don’t have the authority to do that.”

Female Customer: *points towards the sky* “My only superior is up there, and He’s the only one who I take orders from. ”

Me: “Let me see if I can get a manager.”

(I call for a manager, and of course, no one shows up. After 10 minutes…)

Female Customer: “Why can’t you give me a discount?”

Me: “Because I don’t have the authority.”

Female Customer: “Well, I think you can’t give me a discount because you don’t believe in Jesus!”

Me: “You can take that item to the service desk, and I’m sure they’d be able to help you out.”

Female Customer: “Yeah and we’ll stick out like a bunch of sore thumbs since we’re the only black people in the store!”

Me: “Actually, our store manager is African-American, as well as two of our assistant managers, who are both women.”

Female Customer: “Oh.” *she finally walks away*

This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!

Read the next roundup story!

Read the roundup!

(This is after we’re all done with our transaction. I’m half-Jewish, so I celebrate Hanukkah, which was currently going on.)

Me: “Have a great day, ma’am.”

Customer: “Merry Christmas!”

Me: *completely sincere* “And Happy Hanukkah to you!”

Customer: *flails her arms and screams happily* “No, it’s about Jesus! It’s Jesus’s birthday! You have to worship Jesus! It’s all about Jesus! Love Jesus!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Video Rental store].”

Her: “Yes, I see in your ad this week that you have Happy Feet out.”

Me: “Yes, it’s out for the Playstation 2.”

Her: “That’s not the movie?”

Me: “No, it is not.”

Her: “When is it coming?”

Me: “It’s out in theaters right now. We have no date on when it is coming.”

Her: “Well is there anything that can show my grandkids how to do the dance?”

Me: “Not that I am aware of.”

Her: “Well I got this book for my grandkids and it shows the penguins…” *goes on for what feels like an HOUR about some book and teaching them some dance from the movie. I sorta doze on and off since her voice is very… shall I say… monotone, flat, and boring. Finally…* “…so the main reason why I’m calling.”

Me: (you mean to tell me all this was a SECONDARY reason why you called?) “Yes ma’am.”

Her: “Do you believe in Christ?”

Me: “Uh…” *customer comes up with stackfull of DVDs* “I gotta go now. Bye.” *hangs up phone*