Customer: “You’re wearing a necklace?”

Me: *Pulling up my collar.* “Oh, yes. It must have ridden up at the back.”

Customer: “Is it a cross?”

Me: “No, just something personal.”

Customer: *Shoving her large bejewelled cross in my face.* “You should wear it loud and proud, honey!” *Squints eyes.* “Or are you not Christian?”

Me: “I try not to discuss religion at work, ma’am.”

Customer: “So that means you’re not a Christian.”

Me: *Mental sigh.* “I am a Christian, ma’am, I just try not to make a big deal of it at work.”

Customer: “Well then, you’re not a very good Christian, are you?! You need to shout it loud and proud! We’re under attack in this country and we need to show them that we’re out here serving The Lord!”

Me: “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”

Customer: “…what?”

Me: “Matthew 6:1, ma’am. Will that be cash or card?”

She paid… silently.

I don’t just live in the bible belt; I live in the buckle. As a result, it’s very common to have customers end our transactions with “God bless!” or “you have a blessed day!”

Most of the time, I just nod or say thank you, but one regular always seems to be put out by this.

Customer: “You know, I always say bless you, but you never say it back! You just say thanks! You don’t even say ‘you too’!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, there’s not much meaning in me saying that as I’m an atheist.”

Customer: “An atheist is just someone who hasn’t found God yet, but it’s inevitable! You should start by wishing your customers a blessed day.”

Me: “I wish for all my customers a good day, but not from any gods.”

Customer: “God! Singular! There’s only one! I’ll pray for you!”

She came back the next week, and stared at me hard as she said, after paying:

Customer: “God bless!”

Me: “And may the force be with you.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “I found a religion, just like you said!”

She rolls her eyes and heads out with her groceries. She stopped wishing me blessings after that.

We’re talking about our weekends as we sign into work on a Monday morning.

Me: “[Coworker #1], you went to that wedding over the weekend, how was it?”

Coworker #1: “It was great! But the ceremony was a little weird. The family is Catholic, so the ceremony was basically a full Catholic mass with a small bit of wedding thrown in.”

Me: “Full mass, like the whole blood of Christ stuff?”

Coworker #1: “Yeah! They did the whole wine and communion bread and stuff. I realised it was going to be a while before we got to the reception with all the champagne and canapes, so…”

Coworker #2: “No… you didn’t.”

Coworker #1: “The wine was alright, but the communion bread is dry and nasty.”

Me: “[Coworker #1], you’re an atheist!”

Coworker #1: “Jesus would be so much more popular if they had fit cheese into that whole blood and body ritual.”

Me: *Giggling.* “Stop, [Coworker #1].”

Coworker #2: “I would die for cheeses.”

A concerned-looking customer approaches the customer service desk.

Customer: “I’d like to let you know that your socks… well… maybe you should come and see for yourself.”

Intrigued, I follow her to the sock section. They look normal, until she takes a pack of loose socks and pulls a piece of paper from it, and hands it to me. It’s a rather graphic piece of religious anti-abortion literature.

Me: “Oh my goodness.”

Customer: “They’re in every single sock.”

Me: “Please say you’re kidding.”

She was right. Every single loose sock had the same graphic flyer in it.

Me: “Okay, well, I’m going to have to go through all of these to get them out. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.

I call my manager over, and when I show her, she’s just as shocked as I am. Two other workers and I go through every single sock and remove almost three hundred of the d*** things. In the meantime, my manager goes back through the security footage to try to find the culprit. 

After we’ve gone through every sock, our manager comes back over.

Manager: “Good news, we found the culprit.”

Me: “Starting the sentence with ‘good news’ implies that there’s bad news.”

Manager: “He also got to every handbag and wallet.”

Me: “Nooooo!”

Another Sunday, another story of the after-church diner crowd. After a long time of receiving religious flyers instead of tips from these people, my manager gets an idea. As we’re opening on Sunday morning:

Manager: “Here, I made these over the last week. Keep some in your apron and dish them out when appropriate.”

He lays out a selection of home-made and printed ‘religious’ flyers, with titles like:

• A brief history of why Jesus would’ve left 20%.
• Jesus loves everyone, but the waitstaff have notes.
• Why the power of prayer does not extend to making rent.
• Forgive them, Father; they know exactly what they owe.

I took one of each, and it didn’t take long before I had to use one. A family has paid and is up and leaving when I catch up to them at the exit.

Me: “Excuse me, I wanted to say thank you for the tip!”

Customers: *Looking awkward.* “Uh, well, thanks. We think the word of God is priceless, so—”

Me: “—yes, yes, I get all that. I figured since you were kind enough to give me one of yours, I’ll give you one of mine.”

I hand them the flyer, and the dad takes it before reading it. His face pales when he sees the title.

Title: “Voodoo, curses, and summoning entities: dealing with cheap customers the right way.”

Me: *Customer service smile turned up to maniacal.* “This should be a good guide to everything that’s about to happen, starting from tonight!”

He drops the flyer immediately and ushers his family out. They haven’t been back since, but I like to think that for every little unexplained noise they hear in their home, they think of me and my smile.