More Than 3.6 Roentgens On The Crazometer

, , , , , | | Right | July 20, 2019

(A customer approaches me as I work the customer service desk.)

Customer: “Do you carry any more [Store Brand] yogurt in the package of twelve little cups?”

Me: “I don’t believe so, but we do have tubs of [Store Brand] yogurt, and plenty of other brands have yogurt in the little cups, as well.”

Customer: “No, I read the labels. That’s all sugar candy. But have you heard about Chernobyl?”

(The question is so out of left field it takes me a moment to realize he actually said it.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “And you know that it was a huge nuclear meltdown in Russia?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Customer: “Well, while the US government was spreading propaganda about them killing their citizens, the Russian government did a top-secret study to find ways to reverse radiation sickness.”

(I’m screaming internally, trying to figure out what this guy’s game is.)

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “And they found a probiotic bacteria in Bulgaria and they called it bulgaricus. Now, when they gave this to the people who were exposed, it was like the divine hand of God coming down from the heavens and healing them. Do you understand?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “And bulgaricus is only found in certain brands of yogurt, and [Store Brand] was the only one I’ve found!”

(I’m still very much thrown by this customer’s passion about the healing powers of yogurt, but I’m thankful that the conversation has turned back towards relevance.)

Me: “Well, as I mentioned before, we do still carry [Store Brand] yogurt in the large tubs. Really the only difference is the serving size. There’s also [Other Large Brand], which is pretty famous for being probiotic yogurt.”

Customer: “No, I already checked them, and they just have acidolphus! Everything has acidolphus, but it’s not bulgaricus! And they’re all sugar-candy! It was just your brand in the small cups!”

(He’s starting to get agitated, and people in the line that’s formed behind him appear just as concerned as I am, so now I’m just trying to end this.)

Me: “Okay. Well, I can’t promise anything, but when I get a chance today I’ll ask my manager if any of our other locations still carry our yogurt in the smaller size. And if it’s still in our system, we might be able to order some in for you special.”

Customer: “All right, but if it’s not bulgaricus then it’s just sugar-candy and I won’t have it!”

(The customer left after that. I relayed the story to my manager afterward, who responded with an expression of confusion and fear to match my own. Still, we called the other locations and found a store that still carried that size, so hopefully, we’ll be able to make him their problem. But what’s been bugging ever since is whether this guy thought he would need to be able to cure radiation sickness in the near future, or if he needed to cure it right now?)

Day Of The Tentacle

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2019

(I work in a popular discount shoe store, and I am putting stock away when a customer walks in wearing a white tank-top, a thick gold chain, and a fake fur coat.)

Customer: “Hey. Do you guys sell men’s boots?”

Me: “Yup, they’re in the next aisle over.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Hey, what’s on your necklace?”

Me: “It’s an octopus and a clock face.” *spreads the charms out to show him*

Customer: “Cool! Hey, did you know that when octopuses mate, the male shoves its tentacle p***k into the female’s brain so they literally f*** each other’s brains out?”

Me: “I’ll remember that for trivia night, sir.”

(He then went to go look at boots as if nothing had happened at all.)

The Customer Is Never Right, Even When They Are

, , , , , | Right | April 1, 2019

A customer comes up to customer service while I’m running it and shows me a jar of peanut butter. He thinks it’s on sale, but isn’t sure because there isn’t a tag for it on the shelf. I start off sceptical because usually, if there’s no tag there’s no sale, but I grab a nearby flyer for the week’s sales to double check. I’m pleasantly surprised to find peanut butter on sale that is a different flavour pictured, but the same brand and size as the man’s. I tell him that in all likelihood the jar he has will be on sale, but he isn’t certain. Since it’s not busy, I get someone to cover customer service while I take the man to the aisle to observe the situation.

In the aisle, I find all the flavours of peanut butter of that brand and size marked with sale tags except for his own. I tell him that despite this, odds are that the one he chose simply had its tag knocked off by a passing customer and that I can personally guarantee that it is on sale. But the man still isn’t sure.

I then see a clerk walking by, one who I know regularly puts up the new sale tags every time the sales change, and grab him to ask him. He tells us both that the peanut butter the customer grabbed is absolutely the correct kind, as he remembers clearly putting up tags on every single flavour, including the one in question. The man leaves, but he still looks uncertain. About twenty minutes later, after the man finished his shopping, he comes back to customer service and thanks me for all my help, but informs me that he put the peanut butter back because he “only wanted it if it was on sale.”

I just find it amusing that in the five years I’ve worked at this store, the only time the customer was ever right they managed to make themselves wrong in the end, anyway!

What A Childish Display

, , , , | Right | January 6, 2019

(I am shopping around at my local electronics store. I witness a strange conversation between a customer and an employee.)

Customer: “I want the earphones in the display.”

Employee: “For sure. Give me a moment and I’ll get the keys for the display. Which earphones do you want?”

Customer: “Black ones. I want to take them with me while I shop.”

Employee: “Sorry, we have a policy about items in displays; we have to bring them to the cashier, and then you can check them out.”

(As the employee takes out the earphones, the customer keeps trying to take the earphones from the employee like a little child.)

Customer: “You know what? Forget it. I do not want them anymore.” *storms out of the store for no reason*

Me: “Well, that was strange and funny at the same time.”

Employee: “Welcome to retail.”

Refuse To Mead You In The Middle

, , , , , | Right | November 27, 2018

(Every year the pub I work at releases a special mead that causes a line going on for blocks at a time. The stuff is pretty potent, sitting at 10.5% alcohol, so people get thrashed fairly quickly on the stuff. Over the years, the owners have learned to cut people off after two half-pints, otherwise the bathrooms are covered in pink vomit every evening. A gentleman who has had his two half-pints approaches my two coworkers and me as we’re selling the off-sale bottles.)

Customer: *a little slurred* “Can I get mead here?”

Coworker #1: “Of course! If you come over to me I can ring through your receipt and—”

Customer: “Because they cut me off out there!”

(My coworkers and I stand there in awkward silence as he reaches out to grab a six pack.)

Me: “Oh, if you go see [Coworker #1], she can get you your receipt, and you can then take your mead!”

Customer: *stands there and gives me this hateful look of drunken rage*

Coworker #1: “Sir, if you come over here I can get you your receipt!”

(The customer slowly lets go of the six pack and stumbles over to the cash register, catching himself on the counter.)

Me: *whispering to [Coworker #2]* “Dude, I don’t like that he has car keys in his hand. He’s in no condition to drive whatsoever.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s an accident waiting to happen.”

Customer: *while slurring badly* “I remember when we could drink as much mead as we wanted! I’d have a full pitcher of it!”

Coworker #1: “Well, we don’t do that anymore because sometimes people get a little bit crazy after too much to drink.”

(The customer takes his receipt and continues to yap about “the good days of bingeing” while grabbing his six pack and heading for the door. Luckily, as he is leaving, his son comes in and takes the six pack while carrying him out of the pub.)

Me: “Thank God somebody came to pick him up. The keys in his hands were making me nervous.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, I was about to offer to call him a cab before he got somebody killed.”

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