Customer: “I’m here to return this dress.”

This dress has makeup all over it. This is a high-end place and the item was super clearance.

Me: “We can’t return this item.”

Customer: “Honey, look at me. I make more in a year than you will in your lifetime. You’ll take this back, or you may not have a job in the morning.”

Me: “That may be so, but if you earn that much money, won’t I cost more on unemployment from your taxes than the cost of the dress?”

She left in a huff, never to be seen again.

Back in 2019, my husband and I purchase tickets to see a well-known comedian at a local theatre in April 2020. For obvious reasons, the show gets postponed. The venue confidently picks a new date of April 2021. Everything will be fine by then, obviously! No shock that we receive an email a few weeks before the show to say that, too, will be rescheduled.

A few months go by, and the health crisis situation “improves” in the UK to the point where most similar events are now going ahead. I’ve heard nothing about when this show has been rescheduled to, so I email the venue asking what’s happening. I don’t hear back, but I’m not too worried. To be honest, we’d only be selling the tickets anyway, as my husband is CEV (clinically extremely vulnerable to [contagious illness]), and it wouldn’t be safe for us to sit in a packed theatre.

And then, one evening in March 2022, I get an email from the venue with information about current [health crisis] protocols to be aware of for the show… which is happening the next evening! What the f***?! I double-check my emails and, sure enough, this is the first I’ve heard from them since the show was postponed in the spring of 2021. I immediately email them to point this out and request a refund.

Over the course of the next month, I go back and forth with the venue. They claim they emailed about the new date but, when challenged, they cannot prove it. They deny receiving my email asking for the new date, but I show them evidence of having sent it to two of their email accounts. They say they can only offer a refund if requested a week before the event. I point out that this would be hard for me to do when they didn’t tell me the new date until twenty-four hours before the show!

Eventually, they offer me free tickets for any of their shows. I point out that this is no use to me as theatres aren’t safe for my family. They continue to refuse a refund, insisting it’s impossible.

Finally, I ask if they have a governing body I can escalate this to or if I should just go direct to Trading Standards.

Weirdly enough, I get an email offering me a refund not twenty-four hours later!

I used to work at a store with a very liberal money-back guarantee policy. Someone came in to return what used to be a pair of jeans. Severe burn holes with blackened, singed edges that smeared soot trails on everything they touched covered 80% of the pants as if they had been worn while fleeing a napalm strike. Handprints could be seen in the soot where the customer had subsequently wrenched the zipper tab away from the fly, deforming and mutilating the zipper teeth in the process.

Customer: “These pants have a defective zipper. I want my money back.”

Me: “You didn’t need to rip off the zipper. You could have just said, ‘I am entirely unsatisfied with the flame resistance of these pants.'”

I work in a phone and Wi-Fi provider place. One of our SIM card offers is top-ups, and the card itself is €10 plus a top-up to activate it.

A lady comes in clutching one of these cards and a receipt and then looks at me as if I’m supposed to read her mind.

Eventually, she speaks.

Lady: “I got this last week with a top-up and it doesn’t work.”

She shows me the receipt and all that’s on it is the card, no top-up. I point this out and she goes BALLISTIC.

Lady: “YOU’RE CLUELESS! GIVE ME A REFUND!”

Me: “Ma’am. I know these are non-refundable. Please do not call me clueless.”

Lady: “Nope. You’re clueless. Call someone in authority! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “We can’t, sorry.”

I don’t wanna bother him on his day off with something I can well handle.

Lady: “Call the manager.”

Me: “Can’t. Phone’s down.”

It’s just crackly, not actually broken.

Lady: “Oh, that’s convenient. First, you can’t phone, and then, the phone is down. I want my money. You are clueless!”

Me: “I can’t call because the phone is down. I am telling you they are non-refundable, and anybody else will tell you the same thing.”

Lady: “You’re clueless, then. Use your mobile and call!”

Me: “I am telling you I can’t. The manager is off today.”

Lady: “And he left someone clueless to work here. I want my money!”

Me: “Again, the cards are non-refundable.”

Lady: “I’m calling the police.”

Me: “And why would you do that?”

Lady: “Because you won’t give me a refund!”

Me: “Because they’re non-refundable.”

Lady: “There’s no credit on it, so it’s useless. You sold me a useless item.”

Me: “You would’ve been offered the credit when you bought it. If you declined, then that’s not on us.”

Lady: “It wasn’t me, though. It was my son!”

At this point, my coworker had come back from the bathroom and offered to take over so I could take care of another customer and she could deal with the lady. She’s more confident, so I took her up on that.

She told the lady the same thing, and eventually, the lady gave up and left.

Me: “Hi, I want to return this shirt. I have the receipt right here.”

Employee: “Okay, let me have a look. Just so you know, our return policy is within thirty days.”

Me: “Yep, that’s fine; it’s within the time period.”

The employee scans my receipt and then frowns.

Employee: “Ma’am, our return policy is thirty days.”

Me: “Yep.”

Employee: “This was bought on the twelfth of February.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Employee: “Ma’am, it’s the thirteenth of March.”

Me: “Right. So it can be returned.”

Employee: “No, ma’am, it was bought more than a month ago.”

Me: “But less than thirty days ago.”

Employee: “It was bought more than a month ago.”

Me: “It was bought twenty-nine days ago. February had twenty-eight days this year. The return policy is thirty days.”

Employee: “I— I need to get a manager.”

I did get my refund.