Customer: “I’d like to make a complaint about a cake I ordered over the weekend.”

Me: “What was the problem with it, ma’am?”

Customer: “It tasted too good!”

Me: “Well… thank you?”

Customer: “I ordered the vegan, gluten-free red velvet!”

Me: “I still don’t understand your complaint, ma’am.”

Customer: “It was vegan and gluten-free! It wasn’t supposed to taste good! My daughter is on this diet thing, and I wanted to show her for her birthday that this health food is supposed to taste like crap! But she loved it! So did her friends! This is a disaster!”

Me: “I’m… sorry to hear that, ma’am, but we don’t try to make bad-tasting cakes here. You could have sampled some—”

Customer: “I need a refund! It’s the least you could do!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but as I said, we can’t give you a refund because the cake tasted better than you thought it would.”

Customer: “This is stupid! I never would have bought cake from you guys if I’d known it would taste good!”

Related:
The Cake Is A Lie, Part 9
The Cake Is A Lie, Part 8
The Cake Is A Lie, Part 7
The Cake Is A Lie, Part 6
The Cake Is A Lie, Part 5

I’m cooking on the supper rush, the board is packed, the orders keep coming in, and the parking lot can’t fit even one more car. My coworker calls out order number eighty-four. They pick up their food.

A man comes to the window and talks to my coworker.

Customer: “I don’t want to wait. You just called out order eighty-four, and mine is eighty-nine. I want my money back.”

I come to the window and my coworker takes over the fryers.

Me: “What’s the problem, sir?”

Customer: “You’re on number eighty-four, and mine was eighty-nine. I don’t want to wait; I want my money back.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but at any restaurant you go to, you’ll have to wait for food.”

Customer: “Well, I’m leaving. I want my money back.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll give you a refund.”

I start punching in the refund.

Customer: “Just give me twenty-one dollars.”

Me: “I have to find your bill and process the refund properly or the cash will not balance tonight, and I could lose my job.”

Customer: “No, you won’t. There will be more money in it.”

I am finishing up punching in the refund.

Customer: “Oh, my God, just give me twenty, then!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I understand that the customer is always right, but you’ve decided you no longer wish to be my customer, so now, I’m right. And I will do this my way.”

I hand him his cash.

Me: “Have a nice day, sir, and please, next time, take your business elsewhere.”

I work for a theatre company that produces several shows over our season. It’s not uncommon for people to call in to exchange their tickets for a different date, different show, or different location.

Me: “Good afternoon! This is [My Name] at [Company]; how can I assist you?”

Customer: “I’d like to exchange my tickets, please.”

Me: “Can I have the order number, please?”

The customer gives me the order number and I see it was for a performance the previous weekend.

Me: “I’m showing [Show #1] for last Sunday. Did you mean to give the number for [Show #2] in four weeks?”

Customer: “No. That’s the right one. I hated the show and want to exchange it for something else.”

Me: “I’m sorry the show wasn’t to your taste, but I can’t exchange your ticket after you’ve used it.”

Customer: “Yes, you can. If I don’t like a sweater, I exchange it. This is no different.”

Me: “This is very different. You purchased a ticket to an experience; you had that experience. I can’t exchange your tickets. I can ask for a manager to review and be in contact with you.”

The customer hung up. My manager did the review, and it turns out that this person has a history of this type of behaviour. He’d created a new profile on our system so the history wasn’t available to me. He did not get his exchange.

A customer storms up to me.

Customer: “My fried shrimp was inedible!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “I want a refund!”

Me: “I’m unable to do that, sir.”

Customer: “But it was inedible!”

Me: “Sir, your plate is empty.”

Customer: “But they were inedible.”

Me: “Sir, do you know what inedible means?”

I work in a retail store that sells down coats.

Customer: “I was standing too close to an outdoor patio heater, and part of my jacket melted! You need to replace it for me. None of the tags say it’s flammable. You should reward me for bringing this safety hazard to your attention!”

Me: “Most apparel is flammable unless it specifically states it is flame retardant, not the reverse. And the manufacturer’s warranty doesn’t cover damage done to the coat.”

After I spend about twenty minutes trying to explain this, he responds:

Customer: “So what? Are you telling me to just not stand so close to those heaters?!”

Me: “Yes! That is exactly what I have been trying to tell you.”

He left unhappy and without a new coat but with a recommendation of where he could take it to get it patched up.