A couple of years ago, I had a customer who emailed me back and forth for months. He was pretty cool but picky beyond belief and couldn’t decide on what he wanted.
Finally, he ordered this ultra-deluxe, four-player arcade machine wrapped in “Star Wars” graphics. He spared no expense, spending $3,000 plus $220 shipping.
The machine arrived in Melbourne five days later, and he called me up losing his s***.
Customer: “It’s been damaged by the freight company!”
Me: “I send everything fully insured, so I can assure you that it will be okay. You’re covered. Please send me the pictures of the damage.”
It was only very slight, nothing cosmetic, but the console was a little dislodged as they must have stacked something heavy on it.
Me: “This can be easily fixed. I’ll contract a cabinet maker to come out to you and repair it at my expense, and then I’ll go through insurance later.”
Customer: “No, I don’t want that.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll arrange for collection and have it brought back to me, and I’ll issue you a full refund including freight.”
Customer: “No, I don’t want that, either.”
Me: “Okay, what will make you happy, then? It’s something easy to fix. Perhaps I can pay you what I’d pay the contractor (about $250) and you can fix it?”
Customer: “No. I want a full refund and I want to keep the machine.”
Me: “That’s not happening. Insurance won’t allow it as the damage is tiny. It’s like car insurance; they won’t write off a whole car for minor damage that can be fixed.”
Customer: “I don’t care. I want a refund.”
Me: “They won’t do it, and I certainly won’t pay out of pocket. Either I’ll arrange collection of the unit at my expense and issue a refund to you or we’ll have it repaired.”
Customer: “Nope. I paid via PayPal and I’m putting through a dispute because the item ‘didn’t arrive as described’.”
Me: “PayPal’s rules also state that in order to get a refund, you’ll need to show proof that you sent the item back or arranged with the sender to have it collected.”
Customer: “Nope. I’m keeping it and getting a refund.”
Me: “So, you’re committing fraud and theft. Also, PayPal will freeze the $3,220 in my account, and I’m not at fault here.”
The next thing I know, I have a notification from PayPal. The funds are frozen pending the dispute.
The next step is stating your case to them and providing evidence where they relay the information back and forth between the buyer and seller. PayPal almost always sides with the buyer. If it can’t be resolved between buyer and seller, then you can opt to have PayPal decide, but their decision is absolute.
I provide my transcripts advising the customer that I’ll collect the item and refund him, and he provides them with a fake pick-up receipt. As far as they know, he’s done his part and now he’s eligible. So, they rule in his favour.
This guy now has his money back and my $3,000 machine. I am fuming, and he won’t answer my calls or emails. I’m a big guy and I had a rough upbringing in a tough neighbourhood, so I am about to jump into my truck, drive the 900 km south, knock on his door, and watch him s*** himself as I repossess my machine. My wife, the voice of reason, calms me down and says to try legal avenues first.
Coincidentally, the guy emails me three days later.
Customer: “The computer in the machine stopped working.”
Me: “Which planet do you live on where you steal an item and then complain that it doesn’t work?”
Customer: “LOL! I have an IT guy.”
A few days after that, I get a call from a guy saying that his friend bought an item and the hard drive is dead.
It’s his IT guy!
I don’t think he knows the whole story. I ask him to find the serial number, which is just the date it was built and the iteration — for example, 2312201901. He reads the number out.
Me: “Oh, it’s in warranty. Send it back and I’ll send a fresh new one.”
Amazingly, they send it back!
Now note that he said the HDD was dead; that’s a good thing. If it had been the computer, he could just use anything else and use the HDD as a backup. But since it is dead, and now I have his computer, too, he has to buy a new system which will set him back at least $450, but he still can’t play games in it. You can download the apps, but there’s a tonne of configuration work and button mapping, etc.
The IT guy calls me a few days later asking for the computer, and I tell him the story and that, nope, he can go f*** himself.
IT Guy: “Whatever. How hard it could possibly be to just download that s***?”
See, what he doesn’t know is that I have a little fail-safe built in. The encoder I use isn’t mapped to the default keys on the apps. I changed everything around on the hardware to stop people from trying to just clone it. It’s not hard to get around, but most people aren’t familiar with the nuances of emulators.
Inevitably, I get another call a few days later from a different guy saying that he has built his own machine but can’t get it working. The symptoms are exactly that of trying to get my controls working on a different system. It’s definitely the IT guy fishing. I play dumb.
Me: “I don’t know, sorry.”
Now this guy has an empty, useless cabinet, so he leaves me a one-star review on Google.
It’s since been removed, but it read something like, “Poor-quality build, flimsy, system doesn’t work. Do not buy from these people!”
I am about to jump into my truck again and drive down but again, my wife is like a bucket of ice water to my fire. I write a long letter to PayPal, attaching all of my evidence of his fraud. Then, I respond to the one-star review with attachments to the emails and his admission to committing the fraud. I also display his name and email address to smoke him out.
He immediately calls back.
Customer: “Look, no hard feelings, okay? But I received a damaged item and I’m entitled to compensation. Remove my details from that review!”
He has been getting spammed relentlessly, but he seriously believes he did nothing wrong.
Me: “Nope. Enjoy your useless machine.”
I forget about it after a few weeks. PayPal doesn’t respond, so I cut my losses and move on.
But then, something beautiful happens.
I am on eBay looking for old non-working machines I can buy and refurbish. (There’s good money to be made doing that; a one-day refurbish could pull in over $1,000 profit!)
The guy has listed my machine!
But contrary to his Google review, the description is “Marvelous hand-built arcade cabinet, built by a master carpenter, flawless finish and quality, missing computer. Good for a DIY project.”
I’m not a carpenter, by the way.
He has it listed for $1,100. That was still $1,100 pure profit to him since he got it free.
I buy it under my wife’s account and have it delivered to my home address. When I sent it, it was wrapped in about a four-inch-thick layer of bubble wrap. When it comes back to me, it has a flimsy single layer less than five millimetres thick. The courier who drops it off is the same guy who picked it up from me, we are good friends, and he knows the story. I tell him I’m going to damage it, making it look serious, but nothing I can’t fix in a few minutes. He agrees and said that he’ll log the damage as “due to insufficient packaging”. Insurance won’t cover it.
I knock the panels out from inside, so it looks like the machine has been crushed. Realistically, I only have to reset the screws and it’ll be good as new, but it looks mangled.
Then, I send the guy the pics and complain about the damage.
Customer: “It’s insured.”
Me: “The courier said it was insufficiently packaged and that it’s not covered. I want a refund. Take this back.”
I know he won’t take it back; it is totally useless to him.
Customer: “I don’t want it; I’ll refund the freight.”
Me: “Nope. I can’t do anything with a damaged machine. If you don’t do anything, I’m filing a PayPal dispute under ‘item not as described’.”
He isn’t happy, plays the victim, and plays on my sympathy, still not realizing who I am.
Eventually, after offering me partial refunds and getting rejected, he relents and tells me to keep it and he’ll refund me in full. He must’ve realized that his greed isn’t worth it, and it still costs him nothing.
So, now I have my machine back, and I am happy this is over with. I’m still annoyed at this guy’s audacity, but meh.
That’s not the end, though. It gets better.
Someone at PayPal business has finally read my complaint. Since I do a lot of work through PayPal under a business account, there’s kind of a concierge service — kind of like a priority service. They actually go through my complaint, verify that his pick-up docket is actually a year old and unrelated, and read the transcripts of him intending to keep the machine and get a refund.
They refund my money in full. Now, I have my machine back AND $3,000 of this guy’s money, and he can’t do anything because he got caught for fraud.
He calls me up, losing it.
Me: *Laughing* “Sorry, mate. It’s Karma. It’s purely up to my goodwill to refund you; go suck a doorknob.”
He pleaded and begged, swore a lot, and pleaded more, and I said I’d think about it. Legally, he had no leg to stand on, but I have scruples.
I donated it all to charity on his behalf. I sent him the receipt, and he lost his s*** some more, but now there were kids with food and clothes because of his d****ebag-ness.
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