Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

, , | Right Romantic | August 25, 2009

Customer: “I’d like to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, what size cake did you want?”

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

Customer: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

Customer: “He said no!”

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Literally Dog Eared

, , , | Right | August 19, 2009

(A customer hands me really tattered and torn CD.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this CD for another copy. It doesn’t play.

Me: “What on earth have you done with it?”

Customer: “Well, since there obviously was something wrong with the CD, I gave it to my dog to play with. You’re just going to return it, right? So who cares about what condition it’s in?”

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Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

, , , , | Right | July 31, 2009

(It is the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

Customer: “What if I lose them?”

Me: “We can give you store credit.”

Customer: “Oh, no, that won’t do…”

Me: “Well… just hold onto your receipt.”

Customer: “Can I have five receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

Me: “…”

(The woman leaves with her five receipts.)

Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

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Looking Forward To Backward Logic

, , | Right | July 29, 2009

Customer: “I’m here to return this shirt. I’m not satisfied with it.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you explain what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “The writing on it is all backward.”

(She pulls the shirt from her bag, but the lettering looks fine.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m looking at it right now, and this shirt is definitely not backward.”

Customer: “No, I went home and tried it on, and it was backward!”

Me: “Were you looking in a mirror?”

Customer: “Yes, but it should still read from right to left!”

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Even Poltergeists Worry About Identity Theft

, , , | Right | July 28, 2009

(A lady came and returned a paper shredder to the store because the one she had was running its motor at odd intervals when no one was in the room. I exchanged her shredder for a new one and offered to carry it out to her car for her.)

Customer: “You know, if I hadn’t moved recently, I wouldn’t have thought twice about my old shredder acting up.”

Me: “Really? Why is that?”

Customer: “Well, my old house was haunted!”

Me: “Really…”

Customer: “Really. My old house was haunted by the ghosts of my ex-husband and his crazy, dead aunt. You know, most people would think I’m crazy, but you seem really receptive to this!”

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