Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

Lady: “Yes, I’d like to return this pregnancy test.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

Lady: “It came out positive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

(For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

Lady: “What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

(I go to the back to see my manager, who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

Manager: *getting frustrated* “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

This story is part of the Pregnancy Roundup!

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(I work every summer in a beach shop in Florida. One morning, a man comes in and buys a beach chair, and returns after a few hours with his family.)

Customer: “I would like to return this chair.”

Me: “Of course. Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No, I just went to the beach. Why would I keep the receipt?”

Me: “Is there a reason why you are returning the chair?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

(The chair is soaked with water, coated with sand, and has a hole in the seat from what looks like a footprint on the cushion.)

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but we cannot accept used, broken items for return.”

Customer: “What?! I didn’t break it!”

Me: “I am sorry sir, but without a receipt, it still cannot be returned.”

Customer: “Son of a b****! You hear that kids? This Russian b**** is going to f*** up our vacation!”

Me: “…Russian? I live here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I hear that accent.”

Me: “…What accent?”

Customer: “THERE! You just did it. No one talks like that in the Northeast.”

Me: “…I’m a Southerner. You’re in the South.”

Customer: “Whatever, you piece of racist s***”

(The man left only after he threw the chair at a clothes rack. Quite the job experience for a fifteen-year-old.)

Guest: “I’d like to return this toaster.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, do you have a receipt for the purchase dated within ninety days?”

Guest: “No.”

Me: “Okay, well you can’t return it then. However, if you have an ID you can exchange it for an item of equal or lesser value from the same department.”

Guest: “But I don’t want to exchange it. I want my money.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry but if you don’t have a receipt, you can’t return the item.”

Guest: “[Other Store Name] would take it back!”

Another Guest In Line: “Excuse me, I work there and, no we wouldn’t!”

This story is part of our Crazy-Coincidences roundup!

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This story is part of the Very Wrong Customers roundup!

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Scary Old Lady: “You b******s better give me a refund!”

Me: “Er… okay. What seems to be the problem?”

Scary Old Lady: “I was drunk when I bought this! GIVE ME A F****** REFUND!”

Me: *blink blink*

(I was cashiering and couldn’t help but overhear a woman screaming and waving her receipt at my Store Director in front of the exit/entrance to the store.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I came to see if the food I buy is cheaper than at [competitor] and it is. But they always give me a free bag after I get a certain amount of points!”

Director: “I know they do. But we aren’t them, we simply don’t do that.”

Customer: “Well why not?!”

Director: “We just don’t. It’s not my decision to make.”

Customer: “UGH!” *rips up the receipt and throws it in the directors face* “FINE THEN, I’LL BUY FROM [competitor] INSTEAD!!”

Director: “Okay, have a nice day!” *waves pleasantly and walks over to me to give me change that I needed*

Me: “Did she just leave without getting a refund for those five 40 lb. bags of dog food?”

(Note: this comes to approximately $125 without tax.)

Director: “Yup, and she ripped up the receipt and didn’t take it with her, which means she has no proof she ever bought the food.”

Me: “…so if she comes back?”

Director: *smiles wide* “Tell her that you need to see the proof.”

(The woman never returned for her refund. Thanks for the $125, lady.)