This was my first experience in retail where I learned what many customers would be like.

Seasons are changing, so we put a lot of shirts we have to get rid of in the front and mark them 50% off. I am working the register when a woman comes up to buy her things. I ring her up and can see a look on her face like something is wrong.

Customer: “Why is this so much?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “This should only be $10, not $20.”

I think that maybe her item is on sale, so I ask if she could point out the sign because I’m not aware of it. It is a small store and we don’t have to walk anywhere.

Customer: “This sign here.”

Me: “This sign says that all shirts are 50% off.”

Customer: “Yes, so why is this full price?”

Me: “This is a hat.”

It is 2005 and I am working at a video rental store – remember those? We also sell snacks, sweets and ice cream. All the food items are in view of the counter, and are the only items of value that aren’t stored behind the counter (all the DVD and video game boxes on the shelves are empty).

The location I work in is in a slightly seedy part of town, on a major road leading to the city center, and we are surrounded by a mix of cheap bed-and-breakfasts and bail hostels, so shoplifting is an issue for us. The ice-cream is often targeted since it is the most expensive single food item we sell; one-pint pots cost for about $5 each.

There are always at least two people on shift, and the cleverer shoplifters wait for us to both be busy before swiping the ice-cream, but this guy is far from smart…

While I am sorting a couple of things out behind the counter my colleague watches this guy walk up and get a tub of ice cream and walk out of sight between the aisles. He goes to leave the store a couple minutes later and my colleague pipes up:

Colleague: “Excuse me, sir, are you going to buy that ice cream?”

Shoplifter: “What ice cream?”

Colleague: “The tub of cookies and cream that you have in your carrier bag.”

There’s a pause and the shoplifter looks like a deer in headlights, then my colleague points at the bag, which is obviously bulging and semi-translucent, so you can clearly see the tub of ice-cream, which is how he can tell the flavour.

It was priceless watching him sheepishly put it back and slouching off like a scolded child.

I am a terrible student and a huge baseball fan growing up.

In sixth grade I have an English teacher who knows I’m not dumb, just hard to motivate. She privately offers me an extra credit assignment.

Teacher: “All you have to do is write a two-page essay on any topic you like at all, explaining why you like it so much.”

I straight-up turn down her offer, being content with my C grade. So, she flips it around on me and speaks to another student in the class.

Teacher: *Loudly* “Since you’re the biggest Red Sox fan in the class, you should write a two-page essay about the Red Sox and present it to the class.”

I practically jump out of my seat.

Me: “I am a way bigger Red Sox fan than he is and I should be the one writing that essay!”

 She let us both write one. She was a really good teacher.

Related:
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 9
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 8
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 7
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 6
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 5

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While shopping, I see some commotion in the produce. I don’t know how it all began, but this anti-masker woman is in a full-blown tirade about the conspiracies while yelling at this poor little girl just trying to restock the potatoes with her mask on.

I guess an employee in a mask offended her? I am wearing my gay pride mask, and I’ll be honest, I am hoping I will catch this woman’s attention with it if only to wave or something and show my support for masks in public. Be careful what you wish for?

I make my way around the employee’s little cart thing with all the potato boxes.

Me: “‘scuse me.”

The woman and I make complete eye contact. Maybe she thinks I am trying to interject into the ranting? Either way, the transition is seamless; suddenly instead of haranguing the employee, she starts in on me about mind control and being a puppet. The same crap they always say.

I let her go on for a while, just a bunch of:

Woman: “They just want to see Trump lose in November! It’s all a big hoax and you’re falling for it!”

I have been waiting for an opportunity like this since masks first became controversial. The moment she pauses, I just very calmly say:

Me: “I tested positive last week and the doctor told me I have to wear a mask if I have to be out in public.”

To be clear, I am NOT positive for anything. My voice is as crackly as a transman at the height of second puberty. I have severe seasonal allergy issues and a sinus infection has hit me hard without warning. So, really it is best I wear a mask.

The look on her face is so tasty I am almost giddy, like someone had slapped her in the face with a handful of dog poop; just shock and horror. She instantly steps back and looks me up and down, then looks at the employee who has been at a complete loss since before I even stepped in.

Woman: *To the employee* “Are you going to let her in the store like that?”

Woman: *To me* “You shouldn’t be in public at all!”

Me: “I have the right to be here.”

Woman: *To the employee* “I want to see your manager!”

At that point, the employee leaves to get a manager, and all I can think is “run, child, run fast, run far.” I start to make my way through the rest of the store, and the woman tries to stop me with her cart. I don’t have a cart, so I just walk around her, and she starts screaming at me to stop and get out.

Me: “I thought it was just a hoax?”

That shut her up! 

I later called the store explaining the situation so that employee doesn’t have to quarantine or get tested.

I work at a nicer place, with pizzas more expensive than you’d think, so most customers we attract are pleasant. Most.

It’s midday, rush just ended, I’m cleaning up, and my coworker beckons me to the phone. It’s someone upset but coworker’s not sure what to make of it; I’m just wondering how much energy I’ll need to muster so I can sound convincingly friendly over the phone.

Me: “Heya, this is [My Name], the manager today. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah uh…so our food was messed up, uh, twice, yesterday. Uh wondering if we can get that… remade.”

Oh… so I’m dealing with this now?

Me: “I’m sorry, could you tell me more about that? You said yesterday? What happened?”

I’m nice to a fault, so I’ll give him a chance. A slim one.

Caller: “Oh, yeah, we ordered a sub? And it was, like, cold. So we needed another one, uh it had tomato too, wasn’t supposed to have tomato. And we got the second one but it was the same, had tomato on it. And uh… you were closed so I couldn’t call so…”

Funny how they always say they couldn’t call because we were closed. I begin casually rambling, seeing how he’ll react. I’m starting to have fun.

Me: “Huh, well the tomato would be our fault, I agree, especially since we did it both times, that’s on us. The sub being cold though, it’s possible they put too much meat on it. We keep it cold, see, in a refrigerated unit, so too much piled onto the sub might be cold in the center even after cooking. Experienced that myself a few times, I always love extra ham, but it does have its drawbacks. It could keep the oven from heating it up fully, keeping the middle cold, kinda like a microwave not heating leftovers correctly. Next time you order, you could try asking for the sub to be cooked well done. That’ll toast it up more. See if you prefer that? If not, we can work from there, see what works better for ya.”

The dude isn’t even fazed.

Caller: “Okay…yeah, but uhh, whaaat can you do for us??”

Okay, 100% fishing for free stuff. Game on, bro. Let’s tango. He starts haggling, and I cut him off with a tantalizing:

Me: “Well I can’t remake the sub since you ordered yesterday and all, but I suppose I could possibly give you a two-dollar credit. What phone number—”

I was going to pull up yesterday’s records so I could make a show of not finding his order in the system, act all confused, really put him on the spot, but the dude latches on as soon as I mentioned something I could do for him.

Caller: “Oh sweet, use [RANDOM NUMBER THAT DOESN’T MATCH CALLER ID]. Name’s [Fake Name].”

Me: “Ah, you’re… ordering right now?”

Caller: “Oh, yeah, let’s see, I want a medium pizza—”

Record scratch.

Me: “Sir? Sir, the discount I mentioned was only for the sub if you were to reorder it.”

He isn’t going to get this anyway since I know I wouldn’t find his supposed order from yesterday.

Me: “If you want a pizza, I can’t apply the discount. Just giving you a heads up.”

Caller: “What? Whatd’ya mean, how’re they different?”

Me: “A sub is a sub. A pizza is a pizza. The discount would have been for the sub, since we messed it up yesterday. I can’t apply it if you’re ordering a pizza—”

I hear the sweet, satisfying click of him abruptly hang up. Game over.