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A collection of stories curated from different subreddits, adapted for NAR.

What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: jcstan05 | July 8, 2021

I am a headstone designer. Years ago, a gentleman came to the shop looking to buy a grave marker for himself. He was in good health; he was just getting his affairs in order. Ordering a headstone pre-need is a good decision for a few reasons, including the fact that you can choose what goes on it.

Our client wanted us to engrave something pretty crude. I can’t remember the exact phrasing, but it included an F-word and would definitely cause some backlash in my small town. The cemetery, not surprisingly, rejected our proposal. I’m willing to engrave whatever my client wants on a stone, but we’re constrained by the graveyard’s regulation: no inappropriate images or wording should appear on the memorial. Bummer.

We found a workaround: we engraved the scandalous epitaph on the bottom side of the stone. That way, nobody had to know what was under there, and my customer “could read it and laugh for all eternity.”

Cheesed Off At The Checkout

, , , | Right | CREDIT: Platypugg | July 8, 2021

I work in a health food store. One day, I am at my register on a semi-busy day and a man comes through. He’s on his phone so he’s kind of ignoring me, a tad rude, but nothing terrible. He buys some cheese and some other things and goes on his merry way. I think he is one of the many faces I will never recognize again. Right? Story over?

Wrong.

A few minutes go by. I am now helping another person, and suddenly, I hear the feared throat-clearing sound next to me. I have a moment of panic as I turn to face him. He’s still on the phone. Before I have a single second to reply, he shoves the cheese in my face (breaking social distancing rules), pointing to it, screaming.

Customer: “There is mold! Here, here, and here!”

And then he throws it directly in my face and storms off before he has to deal with the repercussions of his actions, like a real adult.

The woman who is at my till looks at me for a moment, concerned.

Customer #2: “Are you okay?”

Me: “That’s just one of the perks of being a cashier.”

Soccer Is Always Bloodiest When Parents Get Involved

, , , , | Healthy | CREDIT: xylophoneplayer88 | July 8, 2021

When I am about eleven or twelve years old, I play for a local girls’ football/soccer team as the goalie. We play on a field not far from my house for home games.

We go up against another local team in the county tournament. This team has a girl on it whose mother is a known problem. She’ll scream if her daughter is so much as touched and has been known to be threatening to both parents and players. [Girl] is lovely, and we actually know each other from school. There is a friendly sort of rivalry between us.

About halfway through the first half, [Girl] comes at the goal and we end up both going for the ball at the same time. Her foot connects hard with my ankle and I immediately know it is broken. [Girl] apparently heard the break, and helps me to the ground, yelling for help. When I look down, my foot is at a very strange angle.

Both coaches help me off the pitch, [Girl] beside me holding my hand, both of us crying. Other players are gathering round, but the coaches tell them to step back and give me some space. My parents appear and sit with me while my team’s coach calls for an ambulance.

[Girl]’s mum appears. I hear her before I see her.

Girl’s Mum: “What’s going on? [Girl], get back on the field.”

Girl: “Mum, I broke [My Name]’s ankle. I want to stay with her. I’ll be red-carded, anyway.”

Usually, if there’s a foul you get a yellow card, and two yellow cards cause you to be red-carded and sent off. However, if a foul is particularly bad or causes serious injury, you’re red-carded straight away.

Girl’s Mum: “Red-carded?! Why, because she didn’t get out of the way in time?”

My Mum: “No, because it happened. I don’t think [Girl] meant for it to happen, but it still did.”

Girl’s Mum: “Well, I think your daughter did this on purpose to make [Girl] look bad. I bet she’s faking it.”

I’m still crying and in too much pain for patience.

Me: “If you think I can make my ankle bend like that myself, then you’re stupid.”

Girl’s Mum: “How dare you?!” *Turns to the coach* “I want the police here, too, for defamation of my daughter’s character.”

The referee comes over to check how I am and to let [Girl] know that, as she thought, she’s red-carded. [Girl] doesn’t seem to care, but her mother explodes.

Girl’s Mum: “You can’t red-card my daughter. Red-card that little b****. In fact, ban her from the game! She’s putting it on on purpose. Look!”

She kicks my ankle. It’s not hard, but it still causes me agony because of the break. I scream, and my mum jumps up to take the woman on. The other team’s coach has to get between them to stop a fight.

An ambulance shows up during this, and the paramedics come to help me. They manage to get both [Girl] and me laughing and help to secure my ankle so as not to cause more injury. My dad tells them about what [Girl]’s mum did, and one of the paramedics shakes her head.

Paramedic: “You can’t help stupid, I guess.”

The police also showed up while I was being sorted out. I didn’t see this part but was told about it by other players later. [Girl]’s mum started yelling that my mum and I should be arrested for defamation. However, after the police were told by several witnesses what had happened, [Girl]’s mum was arrested for assault.

I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance, my mum riding with me and my dad driving the family car. It turned out that I had a break in two places in my ankle. I have a strong suspicion that one of the breaks was the result of [Girl]’s mum’s kick, though that couldn’t be proven.

I had to wear a cast for six weeks and missed a week of school. [Girl] and other members of both teams came to visit me at home in the following days.

[Girl]’s mother was cautioned and released but was issued with a lifetime touchline ban by the team’s coach. She apparently tried to show up at a couple of games, but other parents made her leave again. Thankfully, [Girl] is still lovely, and we remain friends to this day.


This story is part of our Best Of July 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of July 2021 roundup story!

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I’ll Just Hop In My TARDIS And Get Right On That

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: usedolds | July 8, 2021

I work at a call center for a financial institution. A customer calls in and, after questions and her rambling for about seven of the most confusing minutes of my life, I’m able to determine that she has a credit card and a debit card and she doesn’t know the difference between the two.

The credit card is one that earns points. She got the card six months ago and started spending like there’s no tomorrow so she could earn herself a bunch of reward points.

That alone takes a kind of logic I dare not give myself a stroke trying to figure out. But I digress.

She calls to check on her expected many, many reward points and it turns out that she has… none. This is because she hasn’t been using her credit card, but instead, her debit card.

So now, her checking account is way overdrawn, half her bills didn’t get paid and she wants us — I kid you not — to take all the transactions that have been done on the debit card for the last six months, undo them, and redo them using the credit card so her checking account will be fixed, the bills will get paid, and she’ll have her precious rewards points.

She literally wants us to go back in time and change history.

At least once a week I’ll say to myself, “That’s the most ridiculous, unbelievable thing I’ve ever been asked,” and somewhere a person like this is waiting by the phone going, “Hold my beer.”

He’s Doing A Crappy Job Protecting His Kid

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: realtomgl | July 8, 2021

At one of my old hotels, I was sometimes literally the only person working on the PM shift. One night in the summer, a guest came in.

Guest: “Someone took their baby into the pool with them and the baby had an accident.”

I ran out and asked all the other people to get out of the pool. The pool was outside and next to a BBQ area, so the guests eating inquired what was going on, and when I told them, they immediately helped me get their kids out of the pool. Good guests — not bothering me, and giving me space to clean. They even asked if they could stay in the BBQ area.

I got the pool skimmer and pulled the poop out, and then I called my maintenance man to see what chemicals to put in the pool to clean it. I put up signs saying the pool was closed and even put yellow caution signs in front of both ladders entering the pool itself. All the while, I was hoping that the phone wouldn’t ring or a guest wouldn’t come to check in since, again, I was the only person working there.

I finally got it all done and went back inside, but then I heard a splash. I ran out and a kid had cannonballed into the pool, with his dad standing there watching.

I probably wasn’t calm but screamed and pointed when I came out to tell the dad to get his kid out of the pool. Ignoring signs and letting his kid swim with poop? Sigh.