My girlfriend and I have bought our first home and are waiting for the exchange. The previous owners seemed nice, if a little full-on (intense). They apologised throughout the viewings, promising to fix everything that honestly wasn’t up to scratch. We got a few of the things agreed as part of the sale.

We get the keys and drive over. We can see from the outside that several things haven’t been done. The fence still has a hole in it and the outside light still hasn’t been put back together.

Inside is the same — barely even what you would call clean.

Girlfriend: “Wow. They really didn’t lift a finger to help us, did they?”

Me: “After all their promises, as well.”

I take the box of kitchen stuff and she grabs the living room stuff.

Girlfriend: “Hey, look at this.”

I head to the living room. Instead of painting over the horrible mural as they promised, they stuck thirty or forty wall stickers all saying, “Welcome,” to it.

Me: “What the f***?”

Girlfriend: “I mean, it would have been quicker and surely cheaper to just paint it, right?”

Me: “Oh, man. What were they thinking?” *Peels a sticker off* “Look, it’s taking the paint off with it!”

We stayed up all night getting rid of the stupid stickers and painting over the ugly mural. We still joke about the not very welcome welcome.

I am selling my home and have my property for sale online. Since I work from home, I am happy to receive calls directly from interested parties. My property is on sale for $350,000.

Caller: “Could we pay in installments?”

Me: “Well, yes. That is how mortgages work.”

Caller: “Can we just give you a hundred a month until it’s paid off?”

Me: “That’s not how this works.”

Caller: “But we have a newborn.”

Me: “That’s still not how this works.”

Caller: “What if it was two hundred a month?”

Me: “And have your newborn take over the payments after you die in sixty years? No thanks.” *Click*

I’m showing a couple around my house. They seem to be genuinely interested, and the woman is doing all the talking.

Woman: “I noticed a street light close to the house. Is that an issue?”

Me: “We don’t think so. It is a bit bright, but we have blackout curtains so we don’t notice it.”

Woman: “I don’t know. I think it might be a problem.” *Turning to her husband* “Do you think it will be a problem?” *Without letting him answer* “I think that’s going to be a problem.”

Me: “Well, some people have contacted the council and they came out to fit shades on the lights. You can see them around the area; that would work and it’s a free service.”

Woman: “Hmm, I don’t know. Do you think they would move the light?”

Me: “Dig up the street and move the light? No, I doubt that. I would take a drive down the road and look at some of the other lights that have had the shades on.”

Woman: “I don’t know. We will have to think about it.”

Me: “Not a problem. You let me know.”

Woman: “It’s just that we like the house, but we couldn’t put up with the light.”

Me: “I understand.”

Woman: “If there was something they could do…”

Me: “As I say, they fit a shade to the street light that blocks the light from shining in the windows.”

Woman: “Would they? Oh, I’m not sure if that would work.”

Me: “Again, they have done it for several houses around here. You can see for yourself when the street lights turn on.”

Woman: “Around here? Where?”

Me: “On most streets. You can’t miss them; they have black shades fitted.”

Woman: “Hmm, well, we will think about it.”

Me: “Okay.”

Woman: “Because of the lights.”

Me: “No, no, I understand.”

I led them out and the man gave me an apologetic smile. Months later, they did put in an offer — way below the market price and what we had already agreed on with another buyer. I hope she found the house she was looking for, but every street around here has the exact same lights exactly the same distance from the houses.

A while ago, we were trying to sell our home. I was working at home at that point, so I would go out when the agent had a viewing and come back afterward. Despite a lot of time wasters, things were going okay. A few low offers and plenty of interest.

The weirdest thing was that after one viewing, I started to notice that things were out of place. Knives were facing different ways, picture frames and candles were swapped around, and a small standing mirror was moved.

I thought it might have been the estate agent, maybe tidying up, although it didn’t look any better and he never did it before any of the other viewings. But it wasn’t a big deal and was easily fixed, so I never thought of it again.

A while later, there was a knock on the door. I answered it to find a middle-aged woman.

Woman: “Oh, hello. I am following up about the card I put through your door.”

Me: “I’m sorry, remind me what it was. I might have missed it.”

Woman: *Huffy already* “It was a card — a small yellow card about feng shui.”

I seem to recall throwing that straight into the bin.

Me: “Oh, yes, I recall. How is it I can help?”

Woman: “I came round the other week and noticed that your whole house was wrong. The energy was all wrong. It’s probably why it hasn’t sold.”

It took me a while to connect the dots.

Me: “Oh, you are interested in buying the house?”

Woman: “What? No! I’m a professional feng shui consultant. I help people to achieve harmony and balance.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

I shut the door as she was still arguing that I would “never sell the house,” and I let the estate agent know not to let her come round again.

A few weeks later, he told me that he had to ban her, as after I complained it made sense.  She was asking to view pretty much every house nearby, never made an offer, and never viewed a house twice, and her budget seemed to change weekly.

He let the other estate agents know to ban her, as well. It’s one thing to put the card through the door — completely another to waste everyone’s time!

In Scotland, if you are selling your house, you are required to pay to have it surveyed yourself. However, the sellers are only obligated to get the most basic survey. When I was buying my first house, I decided to pay for an enhanced survey myself. I did not have any idea how badly this would confuse my mortgage company.

First of all, they kept misfiling the letters and evidence I submitted in support of my mortgage. Then, they entered my phone number incorrectly in their system, and despite phoning them and updating it repeatedly, they didn’t change it so I didn’t get notified that things were missing.

This led to the survey I instructed becoming outdated, so I was informed that I needed to get a new one. I spoke with the surveyor, who told me that they had had problems with my lender accepting updated reports before and to double-check with them that they would definitely accept the updated report. So, dutifully, I did this and explained that I would be paying for a refresh of the survey they already had. I asked if we could confirm that this would be acceptable. The agent I spoke with was very confused about why I asked; of course, it would be fine. I’m sure you can see where this is now going.

£200 and two weeks later, I received a letter telling me that the report was unacceptable because it was completed by the same surveyor who provided the initial report — a complete conflict of interest, apparently. I submitted a complaint and had this conversation with the mortgage company agent.

Agent: “I’ve reviewed your case and I don’t think we’re at fault.”

Me: “How can you possibly say that? I specifically phoned you to confirm that this survey would be acceptable before I instructed it and your underwriter told me it would be. Now you’re telling me that I need to pay another £200 to get someone else to do it.”

Agent: “Ah, well, I’ve listened to the call, and you didn’t specifically ask if it was okay to use the same company again.”

Me: “Maybe not in those words, but I mentioned them by name. you must have heard that. Surely your underwriter should have spoken up if using the same company was a problem? Frankly, I think you should pay for the survey.”

Agent: “I see we’ve already paid you £100 compensation due to the delay in processing your application. Frankly, I wouldn’t have given that to you and I think you’ve already received more compensation than you should have. If you want to pursue this further, then please submit a further written complaint, but we will not pay for the survey and I see nothing further for us to discuss.”

Me: “This is outrageous and I absolutely will be following this up.”

I hung up and called the surveyor to tell them the bad news. They were actually so apologetic about their role in the confusion that they fully refunded me for the survey and helped put me in contact with another business who sorted it out for me very quickly for the original sum agreed. I was amazed that it all got sorted out in the end, no thanks to my mortgage company!