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This Realtor Has Lost Touchy With Real(i)ty

, , , , | Working | October 21, 2021

I bought a new house two years ago, before the health crisis, and it’s a beautiful old house. But this year, I began receiving calls from a number I didn’t recognize. Finally, I answered one.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, my name is [Caller], and I’m a realtor. Are you interested in selling your house?”

Me: “No.”

I hung up and thought that was the end of it, until I got a call back.

Caller: “Sir, that is very rude. Now, are you interested in selling or not?!”

Me: “I’m not the one being rude here. I already told you, no. I’m not selling.”

I hung up again. Guess who called back?

Caller: “Your house would be perfect for this couple who are moving to the area from Kansas CIty! Now, please sell me your house?”

Me: “What is your firm?”

Caller: “…I’m sorry?”

Me: “This is harassment. I already told you no twice, and you keep calling me back. I’m not going to sell my house.”

Caller: “But I already told them about your house!”

Me: “Tell them the truth. I’m not selling.”

I thought that was the end of it. Then, I arrived home from work one day and saw two unfamiliar cars in my driveway. A couple and a woman were trying to force their way into my house.

I stepped out and called out to them, and the woman saw me and went stark white.

Me: “I already told you I’m not selling! Now buzz off!”

The woman ran to her car and drove off in seconds, while the couple just stood there, confused. I suggested that they find a new realtor and get off my property.

They did leave, but not before telling me the realtor’s name and firm. I called them right after, and the woman on the other end knew who I was talking about. The fact that she did said a lot. I told her I would be filing police charges, and she said that was my choice. I did end up filing charges for trespassing, harassment, attempted breaking and entering, and fraud. My police officer friend took over my case and the woman was fired from her job. She’s due in court for the trespassing and harassment charges.

This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

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The Owner Has Also Found “Issues”

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2021

We are selling our house. I normally let the agent deal with the viewings, but on the rare occasion they can’t, I don’t mind stepping in.

Today, I’m due to work, but I manage to squeeze in a viewing before I go. I take them around the house. They are making all the right noises, asking questions, and sizing up the room for their furniture.

As we finish, I show them out and they both seem very keen. I lock up and get to work. The next day, the agent calls me.

Agent: “How did it go?”

Me: “Good, they seemed really keen.”

Agent: “Okay, I spoke to them and they wanted me to tell you that they were interested but had other houses to see.”

Me: “Sure, I understand. Please let me know if you hear any more.”

Agent: “Sure. Oh, did you say you were the agent?”

Me: “No. Oh, I was in my work gear and I left the house when we finished. They probably assumed.”

Agent: “Ah, no worries. That explains it.”

A couple of days later, I get a call and they want a second viewing. Would I like to do this one, as well? As the last one went so well, I say sure. They let me know the time and that she will be bringing her mother-in-law.

I greet them in my work gear and give them the same tour again. The woman is keen but the mother-in-law is picking at everything.

Mother-In-Law: “Well, I don’t like those curtains!”

Woman: *To me* “I’m sorry. [Mother-In-Law], they won’t stay if we buy the house.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, don’t you think this room is a bit small?”

Woman: “It’s bigger than the one we have now.”

Mother-In-Law: “Are you sure?”

Woman: “Yeah, I checked.”

This continues all around the house, the mother-in-law grumbling and the woman defending the place. We finish up and the mother-in-law stops me.

Mother-In-Law: “So, how much is this up for?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

Mother-In-Law: “Hmm, that sounds like a lot.”

Me: “It’s fairly typical of the area, and it’s priced to sell.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, they’re desperate to sell, huh? Why didn’t you say so? How much is the lowest they would take?”

Woman: “[Mother-In-Law]! You can’t ask that.”

Mother-In-Law: “Shh, I know what I’m doing. So, how much would they take? What if we found some ‘issues’?”

Me: “The price is a fair valuation. The ‘owners’ know that they will sell at this price. If you do find actual issues, they can be discussed.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, playing hardball. Okay, tell them we aren’t interested, then.”

Woman: “No, don’t do that, please; we are interested.”

Me: “There has been a lot of interest in the house; an offer has already been made.”

Woman: “Oh, no, okay, we are interested. We just need to figure out our budget.”

Mother-In-Law: “He’s lying. That’s what they all say. Tell them, tell them we’re not interested.”

Woman: “Stop, will you?!”

She dragged her mother-in-law out. They did make an offer; it was good but not enough. They upped it, but we soon received a much better offer and sold the house. I wonder what the conversation was when they saw the house taken off the market.

Going To Unwelcome Lengths To Be Lazy

, , , , , | Friendly | October 13, 2021

My girlfriend and I have bought our first home and are waiting for the exchange. The previous owners seemed nice, if a little full-on (intense). They apologised throughout the viewings, promising to fix everything that honestly wasn’t up to scratch. We got a few of the things agreed as part of the sale.

We get the keys and drive over. We can see from the outside that several things haven’t been done. The fence still has a hole in it and the outside light still hasn’t been put back together.

Inside is the same — barely even what you would call clean.

Girlfriend: “Wow. They really didn’t lift a finger to help us, did they?”

Me: “After all their promises, as well.”

I take the box of kitchen stuff and she grabs the living room stuff.

Girlfriend: “Hey, look at this.”

I head to the living room. Instead of painting over the horrible mural as they promised, they stuck thirty or forty wall stickers all saying, “Welcome,” to it.

Me: “What the f***?”

Girlfriend: “I mean, it would have been quicker and surely cheaper to just paint it, right?”

Me: “Oh, man. What were they thinking?” *Peels a sticker off* “Look, it’s taking the paint off with it!”

We stayed up all night getting rid of the stupid stickers and painting over the ugly mural. We still joke about the not very welcome welcome.

New Born, Same Excuses

, , , | Right | October 12, 2021

I am selling my home and have my property for sale online. Since I work from home, I am happy to receive calls directly from interested parties. My property is on sale for $350,000.

Caller: “Could we pay in installments?”

Me: “Well, yes. That is how mortgages work.”

Caller: “Can we just give you a hundred a month until it’s paid off?”

Me: “That’s not how this works.”

Caller: “But we have a newborn.”

Me: “That’s still not how this works.”

Caller: “What if it was two hundred a month?”

Me: “And have your newborn take over the payments after you die in sixty years? No thanks.” *Click*

She’s One Streetlamp Short Of A Street

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2021

I’m showing a couple around my house. They seem to be genuinely interested, and the woman is doing all the talking.

Woman: “I noticed a street light close to the house. Is that an issue?”

Me: “We don’t think so. It is a bit bright, but we have blackout curtains so we don’t notice it.”

Woman: “I don’t know. I think it might be a problem.” *Turning to her husband* “Do you think it will be a problem?” *Without letting him answer* “I think that’s going to be a problem.”

Me: “Well, some people have contacted the council and they came out to fit shades on the lights. You can see them around the area; that would work and it’s a free service.”

Woman: “Hmm, I don’t know. Do you think they would move the light?”

Me: “Dig up the street and move the light? No, I doubt that. I would take a drive down the road and look at some of the other lights that have had the shades on.”

Woman: “I don’t know. We will have to think about it.”

Me: “Not a problem. You let me know.”

Woman: “It’s just that we like the house, but we couldn’t put up with the light.”

Me: “I understand.”

Woman: “If there was something they could do…”

Me: “As I say, they fit a shade to the street light that blocks the light from shining in the windows.”

Woman: “Would they? Oh, I’m not sure if that would work.”

Me: “Again, they have done it for several houses around here. You can see for yourself when the street lights turn on.”

Woman: “Around here? Where?”

Me: “On most streets. You can’t miss them; they have black shades fitted.”

Woman: “Hmm, well, we will think about it.”

Me: “Okay.”

Woman: “Because of the lights.”

Me: “No, no, I understand.”

I led them out and the man gave me an apologetic smile. Months later, they did put in an offer — way below the market price and what we had already agreed on with another buyer. I hope she found the house she was looking for, but every street around here has the exact same lights exactly the same distance from the houses.