This Situation Is Getting Real(ty) Now

, , , , , , | Right | April 22, 2020

I am a realtor. It is in the middle of everyone social distancing and staying at home, and obviously, business is very slow. I am reduced to doing paperwork from home when my boss sends me this gem.

Boss: “So, I have amended our closing script when showing houses in the near future.”

Me: “What is it?”

Boss: “’Can you see yourself being quarantined here?’”

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Real Estate Doesn’t Rely On Real Times

, , , | Right | April 9, 2020

(On a potential buyer’s request, I have booked a private showing with them at a summer cottage that is over thirty minutes away from the office. I arrange for the owners to be away during the showing, since they are using the property during their vacation. Like always, I hurry to get there fifteen minutes before the arranged time, to unlock doors, etc. I even almost get into a serious car crash when turning left as somebody decided it was a good time to overtake me and the three cars behind me at 100km/h. I have to park my car for a while to just remember how to breathe again. I get to the cottage a few minutes early, and for some reason, I am greeted by the very confused-looking owners and, supposedly, the potential buyer plus their family with their really big camper.)

Me: *introducing myself* “Hi, so, uh… what’s going on?”

Buyer: “Yeah, well, we came here almost an hour ago, and I have to say, this doesn’t meet our expectations at all!” *rant, rant, ranty rant*

Me: “Uh… didn’t we arrange the showing at 13:00?”

Buyer: “Yeah, but we had nothing to do so we came here an hour ago and have been waiting so long!”

(He continues ranting, and then he loads his family back in the camper and drives off.)

Owners & Me: “…”

(This happened somewhere around 2010, and absolutely everyone had cell phones even back then, so they could have at the very least given me a call… or maybe not showed up at the wrong time and bothered the owners during their vacation!)

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They Have Been Appraised As Unworthy

, , , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(I do real estate appraisals for banks. The majority of these are “drive-by” where I just take pictures of the home from the exterior, but once in a while, I get orders that require me to go into the home and take photos of all of the rooms. The banks outsource these jobs to a third party, who has hired me, so I don’t always know which bank requested the appraisal, or the reason for the request. Typically it’s for a home equity loan or loan modification. Most people know why the bank wants to appraise their home. I get an order and call the homeowner.)

Owner: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Company]. I have a request for an appraisal for your property at [Address].”

Owner: “What? Who is this?”

Me: “This is [My Name] from [Company]; is this your property at [Address]?”

Owner: “I don’t know who you are! Why are you calling? Who told you to call me?”

Me: “I don’t kno—”

Owner: *losing her mind* “Who are you? I don’t know anything about this! What is this about?!”

(Cue five minutes of her completely melting down.)

Me: “Have a nice day.” *click*

(I called this woman on my cell phone, and I, unfortunately, don’t have a blocked caller ID, so about five minutes later she calls me back. I do not pick up. I think she thinks she is calling a large business. She leaves me the following voicemail messages, which I have transcribed verbatim:)

Voicemail: “This is [Owner]. I just received a call that is very disturbing for a Sunday afternoon, saying that someone wanted to come and appraise my home. I couldn’t get any answers from anyone — not from anyone! Who it was, where it was, and why it needed to be done. And until you can call someone on a Sunday and give these answers, do not call me again. DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN!”

(Then, five minutes later, another call:)

Voicemail: “Again, this is [Owner]. I did not like the idea of someone calling me on a Sunday afternoon to inquire about an appraisal. When you call someone you give your name, where you are calling from, and who is putting out this information. I have reported this number to the police. If you want to call me back, do so tomorrow morning.”

(Then, about two hours later:)

Voicemail: “My name is [Owner]. This is my third call. I just thought I would call you as many times as you called me with the nonsense about appraising my home. When you call someone you tell them where you’re calling from, why you’re calling… You don’t do that. When we try to reach you by telephone you’re never available. So, neither am I. You’re d*** foolish to do this, and I have contacted the police. So, bye-bye! I’ll talk to you later.”

(Then, at 8:00 am the next morning:)

Voicemail: “Good morning. This is [Owner]! I thought I’d be early this morning and call you because you keep calling me. You never leave your name, never a number that we can call you back, and when we do you’re unavailable. You call and say my house is up for assessment, but you don’t say why. All I want to know is why! But I will keep calling you, and your name and number have been submitted to the Attorney General, so I suggest you take your number away. Goodbye, and have a nice, nice day!”

(The sucky part of this story is that the woman would not stop losing her s*** long enough for me to tell her that I’d be happy to get more information for her about which bank ordered the appraisal and why. I gave her my name and company name twice but she just wouldn’t listen to me. I’ve been doing this for six years; obviously, I don’t just call people and say, “Hi, I’m a stranger. Can I come inside your house tomorrow around three?” I thought this woman was never going to stop calling me. I was planning to go to the police myself if she called one more time; luckily the calls stopped. I was begging the company I work for to have someone call her and straighten her out. I don’t know if that ever happened.)

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Maybe Someone Didn’t Enunciate?

, , , | Working | February 26, 2020

“Have you got a quote for the carpet to be replaced yet?”

“No! I have been calling carpenters all week, but none of them have gotten back to me.”

“You mean carpet layers, right?”

“What’s the difference?”

I facepalmed. Sure enough, she had been emailing carpenters all week trying to get a quote to install carpet.

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Not Moving Outside Of The Box

, , , | Right | February 5, 2020

(We are moving out of the house we have been renting for two years. The real estate agent representing the owners, who live in another state, periodically arranges for buyers’ agents to show the house to potential buyers.)

Owners’ Agent: “The last buyer who saw the house said it was what she was looking for, but she had some negative feedback.”

Me: “What did she say?”

Owners’ Agent: “She didn’t like that there were ‘boxes all over the place.’”

Me: *incredulous pause* “She does know the house is for sale because we’re moving out of it… right?”

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