You Can Tell Who Is Rude When They Accuse It Of Everyone Else

, , , , | Right | April 18, 2019

(I work at a movie theater where I am a “Team Leader,” which means that I’m not quite a manager, but I’m in charge of the ushers. I still do basic jobs, but I help organize the other ushers, and I am empowered to help with more difficult customers. Currently, I’m manning the ticket stand.)

Coworker: “Hey. I’ve gotten some people complaining about somebody talking on the phone in theater four.”

Me: “I’ll take care of it. Man the tickets for me.”

(I grab my air-traffic-control-esque light to both let me see in the theater and to give me a level of authority. As I head to the theater, I’m stopped by an upset customer.)

Customer: “There’s a woman in the theater who will not stop talking on her phone, and yells at anybody who asks her to stop.”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’m on my way to take care of it.”

(The customer follows me back to the theater. I’m stopped by another customer at the actual doors to the theater with the same complaint. I apologize to them, too, and head into the theater. The woman is easy to spot. She’s talking loudly, and her face is lit up by her phone’s light. As I approach her, everybody in the theater is watching me.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to—“

Woman On Phone: “Fine!” *snaps her phone closed* “I was finished with the call, anyway! Everybody is being very rude!”

(Only time I’ve gotten a standing ovation from a movie theater crowd.)

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Harry Potter And The Effects Of Climate Change

, , , , , , | Right | April 17, 2019

(I’m standing at the ticket stand in front of our biggest theater, which is currently playing “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.” The movie is going full swing, so the halls are pretty quiet. For some reason, my eyes and throat are irritating me.)

Customer: *comes out of the theater* “Hey, I was wondering if you guys could turn down the smoke machine.”

Me: “Smoke machine?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s a really neat effect, but there’s too much smoke and it’s hurting our eyes.”

Me: “We don’t have a smoke machine.”

(I flagged down the manager and we checked it out. Somebody had vandalized the fire extinguisher in the theater, puncturing it, so it was slowly leaking CO2. By an amazing coincidence, it reached the point where it was noticeable in the dark at exactly the same time Ron and Harry enter the mist-filled Forbidden Forest, so nobody realized what it was. We had to evacuate the theater, refund all the tickets, and close down our biggest theater. I got to finish my shift standing just close enough to the disaster to further irritate my eyes and throat.)

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They Can Hop Right To You

, , , , , | Right | November 11, 2017

(I’m taking tickets at the theater. It’s Friday night, so it’s very crowded. As I’m taking tickets, a teenager with a skateboard casually walks past the line, then ducks under the rope and bolts down the hallway, disappearing into one of the theaters.)

Customer: “That guy just snuck past you!”

Me: “I know. Here’s your ticket. Your theater is on the left.”

(He takes his ticket, but stops behind me so he can talk to me while not holding up the line.)

Customer: “Aren’t you going to stop him?”

Me: “I’d chase after him, but then there’d be nobody to help the rest of you get to your movies.”

Customer: “I suppose more people would sneak in, too.”

Me: “That, too. Besides, I’ll catch him once the line dies down and I can get somebody to man the station.”

Customer: “You’re going to find him in a dark theater?”

Me: “I have my ways.”

(I clear the line, signal for one of the other ushers to take over the ticket station for me, and head into the theater. I find the guy immediately. Theater hoppers almost always hide in the back row, even though it makes them stand out if the theater isn’t full, especially since the seats are brighter since they’re closer to the ceiling lights. Not only do I find him, but he’s sitting directly under one of said lights, as if highlighted by a spotlight, with his skateboard resting on the chair next to him.)

Me: “Can I see your ticket, please?”

Theater Hopper: “Uh, I threw it away.”

Me: “Let’s go.”

Theater Hopper: “How’d you find me?”

Me: “Trade secret.”

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