The Wrong Kind Of Daddy Issues

| NV, USA | Romantic | February 25, 2017

(The ranch where I take riding lessons is having a big cook-out for the students and their families. I know some of the other students, but am unfamiliar with most of them. A bunch of us are hanging out in the picnic area, waiting for more burgers to be ready, and getting to know each other. An older man comes over with a bag of chips and a soda, and hands them to one of the girls, who’s probably about 20 years old.)

Girl: “Thank you, Daddy.”

Random Guy: “Man, I wish I had a girl like that. You’re lucky, dude. Better put a ring on it.”

Girl: *turns to stare Random Guy dead in the eye* “That’s my actual f****** father.”

(Everyone else lost it, yelling and laughing. Random Guy turned bright red and left. We didn’t see him again.)

Has Beef With You

| VA, USA | Right | March 13, 2014

(I own and operate a small ranch in Virginia. We sell all natural grass fed beef, all natural pork, and free range chickens. We also sell cheeses, eggs, and also have a few goats for milk and cheese, etc. A customer calls up wanting information about our operation.)

Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. This is [My Name], What can I do for you today?”

Caller: “Yes, are your cows vegetarian?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they are. We only feed them grass and hay. Hay is a type of grass so, yes, they eat no meat products at all. We use no antibiotics or hormones—”

Caller: “NO, NO, NO! Are your cows vegetarian!?”

Me: “Ma’am, I do not understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “You farm people are all dumb! My daughter and her friends do not eat meat! They are vegan and we want to have steak for dinner! So now I’m going to ask you: are you cows vegetarian?”

Me: “Are you asking me if my steaks are not made from meat?”

Caller: “No, I know steak is made from meat! I want to know if your cows are vegetarian?!”

Me: “Ma’am, all cows are meat. Everything we take off them during butchering is meat. I am not sure, are you asking me for meat that isn’t meat?”

Caller: “Well, your advertising on your website says you are all natural. That is false advertising!”

Me: “I am not sure how. We keep our cows free from additives and—”

Caller: “Look, I’m not stupid. Before you turn cows into beef, what are they?”

Me: “Cows.”

Caller: “Exactly. So why can’t I get all natural cow instead of beef?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t sell you a live cow. I think you need to find another place to get your meat.”

Caller: “I will not be talked to like this! I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “You are talking to the owner. I am sorry you think that an animal is not meat until after it dies, but I will not sell you a live cow to eat! I am also sorry you are too stupid to understand that this is a cattle ranch and we sell our own beef. Beef is meat, meat is not vegan. Please call another company that specializes in vegan food!”

(I hang up on her. Two weeks go by and she calls me back.)

Caller: “I talked to you a couple weeks ago and I just want to let you know that we bought steak from the farmer’s market at (location). We had a wonderful dinner!”

Me: “Oh, you were at the farmer’s market at [location]?”

Caller: “Yes, and the woman there sold us vegetarian cow! You know, cow for vegans! My daughter said she and her friends always eat steak from the woman that sells cow there.”

Me: “So your daughter is vegan, huh?”

Caller: “Well, yeah. She won’t eat chicken!”

(I gave up and I told her I would look into selling vegetarian ‘COW.’ I did not have the heart to tell her that she bought my meat. I am the only one allowed to sell at that particular market and my neighbor’s daughter works for me selling at that location. I also didn’t bother to go into her daughter not being vegan!)

 

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