Too Chicken To Add Shrimp

, , , , , , | Right | July 31, 2018

(I am standing in line waiting to pay for a to-go order when I overhear the following:)

Customer: “I want the chicken broccoli with extra shrimp.”

Cashier: “So, you want chicken broccoli, and you want to add shrimp?”

Customer: “No, I want extra shrimp.”

Cashier: “Chicken broccoli comes with chicken; did you want shrimp broccoli?”

Customer: “No, I want chicken broccoli with extra shrimp.”

Cashier: “So, two extra add shrimps?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to add shrimp; I want extra shrimp.”

(I see the cashier die a little inside as she realizes she won’t be able to make this person understand.)

Cashier: “It’s an extra dollar.”

Didn’t Take Your Explanation Into Account

, , , , | Right | July 16, 2018

(I run all the returned check chargebacks for my company — anywhere from 500 to 1000 per week. I’ve been doing this for about eight months now and pretty much know what I’m doing backwards and forwards. About a third of the bad checks we get are fraud, a third are legitimate customers who just don’t want to pay their bills, and a third are customers who make mistakes with their checkbooks and are embarrassed and eager to pay off their debts immediately. That last group, I like. One day, I get a call from a man who belongs in the last group.)

Caller: “I don’t understand why I have a bad check. I have a special deal with my bank, that I pay extra each month and they cover my checks if I bounce. I can’t bounce checks.”

Me: “Well, sir, your check didn’t come back as ‘insufficient funds.’ It came back as ‘account closed.’ Is it possible that you wrote the check from an old check book?”

Caller: “Absolutely not. It’s not possible. I haven’t changed banks in years. This is unbelievable. I don’t understand why this is happening.”

Me: “Like I said, sir, this isn’t an insufficient funds check. The account is closed, and that’s why the check was returned.”

Caller: “But I can’t have a bounced check!”

(This goes on for another few minutes.)

Me: “Sir, could you take out your checkbook, and let me read to you the MICR information we have on this check to see if there’s a discrepancy?”

Caller: “I don’t see why there would be.”

Me: “Just humor me for a moment… 1-0-0-0—” *provides the rest of the MICR numbers*

Caller: “No, there’s supposed to be four zeros. Oh, I know what happened. I ran out of checks, so I went into my safe and got an old check-book from an account that I closed a few years back. I’ll go down to the store and pay today.”

Coming To A Speedy Resolution

, , , , | Legal | July 2, 2018

(I accidentally run a red light. It is a high speed limit area, and my friend and I thought the yellow was going to last longer than it did. I immediately, deservedly, get pulled over.)

Cop: “So… you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yes! I’m so sorry!”

Cop: “Everyone’s waving at me like, ‘Did you see what she did? Go get her!’”

Me: “Yes, I know. I’m really sorry.” *has license in hand* “Let me look for–”

Cop: “I don’t need all that stuff. Just your license.”

(I hand it over. The cop goes back to his squad car, and I wait. My record has one ticket from a minor accident as a teen, but that’s it. The cop comes back.)

Cop: *very sternly* “[My Name]…”

Me: *braces for ticket*

Cop: *friendly* “It’s just a warning!” *hands my licence back*

Me: *stunned* “Oh… Thank you!”

Cop: “Who’s the greatest cop ever?”

Me: “You are!”

Doesn’t Put It Deli-cately

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2018

(I work in the deli of a big grocery store. It is around eight pm; our department closes at nine and, since we are a slow store, we usually have two of our three slicers cleaned and non-operational by 7:30. Our deli also doubles as a sandwich shop. I am on the deli counter helping a regular who is ordering an abnormally large number of products; meanwhile, an older lady comes up to be served at the deli. After about a minute, the lady approaches me while I’m helping the gentleman in front of her. Keep in mind that my coworker is helping a line of about three people at the sandwich shop while this occurs.)

Customer: “Is there anybody else working here that can help me?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but it’s just me and [Coworker] tonight; I will be with you as soon as I’m done helping this gentleman!”

(About five minutes pass and I finish helping the customer in front of her; it is now her turn in line.)

Me: “How are you today, ma’am? I apologize for your wait. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Okay… Are you ready?”

Me: “Uh? Ready for what?”


Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but we are down to one slicer; even if [Coworker] came over to help you, still—” *customer interrupts loudly*

Customer: “I don’t f****** care! You should have done something about it, knowing that that man had such a large order!”

Me: “I actually didn’t know he had such a large order, ma’am. Since we don’t take numbers here I—”

(The customer interrupts me again and continues her tirade; she asks for a manager, so I have my coworker page him over. My coworker has finished with her line and walks over to me to see what is going on.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem today?”

Me: “I stood here for twenty f****** minutes while you helped those people who came up behind me! You should have come over here and helped me first!”

Coworker: “I understand, ma’am; however, even if I had came over here, I would’ve had to wait for [My Name] to finish with his customer to use the slicer. Your wait would’ve been just as long, and then the customers at the sandwich shop would’ve been left there with nobody helping.”

Customer: “I don’t care about them! You saw me standing here for twenty minutes!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t believe it was quite twenty minutes; the gentleman before you came up at 7:55 and it is now 8:04.”

Customer: “Oh! So, now you think you’re going to tell me how long I waited? Oh, perfect!” *right at this time the store manager walks up to address the super-patient lady*

Customer: *directed at manager* “Oh, my! My long-lost friend!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I waited here for twenty minutes while [My Name] and [Coworker] did nothing about it! I fully expect you to take disciplinary action against those two lazy people! They both deserve to be fired!

Manager: “Absolutely, ma’am. I’ll take care of it right now.”

Customer: “Good!”

(Our manager starts yelling at us in front of the customer. I am appalled because normally he would have us go to the office to talk about it. The customer gives me a smug look and walks away. Once she is out of sight my manager stopped yelling.)

Manager: “So, guys… what did that crazy b**** want this time?”

(Apparently this pleasant human being is a repeat offender.)

Me: “I’m not sure; she actually didn’t even order anything from the deli…”

It Wasn’t Berry Clear

, , , , , , , | | Working | May 17, 2018

(I’m allergic to berries. I’m careful about reading menus and asking questions about things like fruity drinks and desserts. At this restaurant, I order a piña colada. When the waitress brings it to me, it’s a yellow drink, but it has strawberries and a red syrup in it, also.)

Me: “I’m sorry. What is that red stuff?”

Waitress: “Strawberries.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t drink this. I’m allergic to strawberries.”

Waitress: *annoyed* “WHAT? It comes that way. You should have told me.”

Me: “But I ordered a piña colada—”

Waitress: *interrupting* “It’s Miami style! That’s how we serve it!”

Me: “Your menu doesn’t say that.”

Waitress: “Well, you should have told me. How was I supposed to know?”

Me: “How was I supposed to know your piña colada had strawberries in it?”

Waitress: “That’s how it comes!”

Me: “Your menu doesn’t say anything about that. It’s coconut and pineapple. It’s not like I ordered a piña colada and then told you I was allergic to pineapple.”

(She begrudgingly took it away, then came back to tell me that they ran out of piña colada mix. I double-checked the menu to make sure I wasn’t crazy, and it said nothing about strawberries.)

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