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Working Times Killed The Radio Star

| Working | July 6, 2017

(You work pretty odd hours as a reporter at a small town radio station, being out until really late at night covering events and then up at five am to get the story on the morning news. My boss starts thinking that her boyfriend is going to be the next big thing in radio, and tells me to start training him. So, his first night, we’re out covering a council meeting until 11 pm. When the meeting finishes, he turns to me.)

Boss’s Boyfriend: “Now let me get this straight. You’re going to be up at five am to write this up and get it on the morning news.”

Me: “Yup.”

Boss’s Boyfriend: “And how many times a week do you do this?”

Me: “Once or twice. This week, we’ll be doing it three times.”

Boss’s Boyfriend: “Yeah. This isn’t going to work for me.”

(And that’s the last I heard about the boss’s boyfriend being the next big thing in radio.)

They Have No Closing Arguments

| Right | March 19, 2017

I do the morning show at a radio station. Because we’re in a small town and have a small staff, we close our offices at noon. I give away tickets to a concert that night, and tell the winner that she has to be at the station before noon to pick up the tickets. She says that she can’t make it by noon, but can be there shortly after noon, and asks that we stay open late to accommodate her. I ask her how late she’ll be, and she says just a few minutes after 12:00…12:15 at the latest. Since I can wait around a few minutes, I say we’ll stay open late for her.

12:15. She’s not here yet. 1:00 pm. She’s not here yet. 2:00. She’s not here yet. 3:00. I’m still waiting for her. I’ve also been at work since four am and hadn’t eaten anything all day. I decide to close up for a few minutes and run across the street to the store to grab something. I come back at 3:10 to find an angry note taped to the door. Sure enough, it’s from our contest winner, calling us a bunch of lying SOBs for saying we’d stay open late for and then not doing so, and calling us various other nasty names.

Ever since then, I’ve made no more exceptions for contest winners who’ll be “just a few minutes late.” If you can’t make it by closing time, tough.

Game Over

| Working | November 4, 2016

(It’s the day after the NHL trade deadline, and I get a phone call from a listener.)

Caller: “Yeah, I want to know why you didn’t have any coverage yesterday on the trades done by [Local NHL Team].”

Me: “Well, that’s a question for our news department. Let me transfer your call.”

(I tell our news reporter about the call. Since the reporter loves pawning off complaints on me, I decided to leave the door open a crack and finally see how our reporter deals with complaints.)

Reporter: “Hello… Yes… Well, we don’t broadcast [NHL Team]’s games anymore, so covering them just gives free advertising to our competition.”

Caller: *muffled yelling*

Reporter: “Well, we have a very small news department, and no one dedicated to the sports beat, so there was no one available to do live updates yesterday afternoon.”

Caller: *more muffled yelling*

Reporter: “IT’S BECAUSE [Local NHL Team] SUCKS! GO [Rival Team]!”

(And at that, he slammed the phone down.)

Free Prizes Are Not Their Calling

| Right | July 15, 2016

(I work the midday shift at a radio station, and we’re doing a “call to win” contest.)

Me: “Hello, [Station]!”

Caller: “What caller am I?”

Me: “You’re number two.”

Caller: “What caller wins?”

Me: “Number seven.”

Caller: “You giving away anything good?”

(I tell them the prize.)

Caller: “Well, f*** that! Who wants that?”

Me: “Someone who doesn’t gripe when getting something for free.”

The Anatomy Of Bad Language

| Working | June 10, 2016

(I am in my car listening to a local Sacramento AM radio talk show. The two hosts talk about many political and popular issues. For some reason that I can’t recall, they got on the topic of unusual piercings and are looking at pictures of some.)

Host #1: “Wow, the woman has a clitoral piercing.”

Host #2: “No way!” *looks at picture* “Oh, my god! That’s terrifying. Doesn’t that hurt like h***?”

Host #1: “I would think so… Apparently clitoral piercings are a growing trend.”

Host #2: “Hey, I’m just looking at our FCC guidelines, and apparently, we aren’t allowed to say, ‘clitoris.'”

Host #1: “Really? But we can say ‘penis,’ right?”

Host #2: “Um…” *papers rustling* “No. No, we can’t.”

Host #1: “Oh…”


Host #2: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be our last show. Thank you very much for your years of loyal listenership.”

(I’m not sure if they ever faced any consequences from the Federal Communication Committee, but that was 12 years ago, and they are still on the air.)