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His Memory Is Being Wiped More Frequently Than His Behind

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2020

It’s the height of panic buying and Australia apparently runs on toilet paper. We haven’t subscribed to the panic, but we do run out of toilet paper, so I go to look for some. I go into a supermarket and find the toilet paper aisle COMPLETELY empty, but a worker is stocking the shelves. I stand back a moment to make sure there’s nothing and realise the worker is stocking paper towels. An old man is in the aisle.

Old Man: “Do you have toilet paper?”

Worker: “Nah just what’s there.”

Old Man: “What about unscented home brand toilet paper?”

Worker: “Nah man, just what’s out.”

Old Man: “Do you have any unscented tissues?”

Worker: “Just what’s there.”

Old Man: “Do you have any home brand unscented tissues?”

Worker: “We’ve only got what is on the shelves.”

Old Man: “You sure you don’t have anything out back?”

Worker: “Nah man, this is all we have for the day.”

Old Man: “What about a small pack of homebred unscented tissues?”

Worker: “We only have what you can see.”

As I left the aisle I could hear the man getting frustrated asking more questions.

You Probably Shouldn’t Tackle Civilians, Either

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2020

I take a ferry to get to work most days and the ferry dock has a lot of interesting people hanging around. I utilize the time on the ferry and the walk up to work listening to audiobooks on my earbuds or planning my meetings.

One day, I am suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a tall man who does the most interesting Inspector Clouseau impression saying, “You slowed down suddenly and my face hit your bag.” 

This is almost physically impossible but I just say, “Okay, look where you are going.”

Next thing I know, he is in my face saying, “I did not hear you. Are you going to say sorry or say something smart?”

I just say, “I am not going to say anything to you,” and start walking away along the walkway along the river.

I go maybe ten steps before instincts from years as a front line public safety officer get me to step sideways; I move just in time for the idiot from before to barrel past me for what must have been a charge meant for me. He runs unchecked into a support column for the shade structure and splashes into ankle-deep stinking muck from the preceding day’s stormwater discharge.

I would have the guy arrested but he just had karma served right in front of my eyes. Also, his female companion has spotted my badge and is hauling the stinking idiot towards the tap, muttering, “Of all the people, you pick on one with a badge.”

For the record, I am not a street cop.

The Audacity Of Some Customers

, , , , , | Legal | February 27, 2020

This actually happened to my dad, but I arrived to see the tail end of it. My dad works in one of the major grocery stores as a cashier and has done — at this store — for nearly 28 years, so he’s seen a lot of weird customers. I think this one takes the cake, though.

A middle-aged woman came into the grocery store one afternoon. She grabbed a trolley and started to go up and down the aisles. It looked like she was doing a weekly shop, and the trolley ended up piled high with stock. She got into line at my dad’s register but didn’t load anything onto the belt. Slightly odd, but some customers won’t when there’s someone in front of them. However, when the current customer left — there’s not enough room to get out of the registers if someone has a trolley in front of you because they’re not that wide — the woman looked at my dad and the register… before walking right out of the shop!

I arrived outside to pick my dad up from work in time to see one of the front end supervisors and a security officer chasing after the woman with a full trolley of goods. She claimed that she didn’t think she had to pay, that she thought they were having a giveaway. They escorted her back to the store and requested that she either pay or leave with nothing. 

Just to clarify, this woman spoke English with an Australian accent, was well dressed and well presented, and didn’t appear to have anything wrong with her.

I don’t know if she truly was just confused or if she attempted to scam them. Either way, it’s definitely one of the stranger experiences that Dad has had!

Please Let This Be Her First Time…

, , , , , | Right | February 27, 2020

I work at a major petrol station in Australia. It’s not compulsory to pre-pay for your fuel here, so we have to authorise the fuel pump from the till. We have 35 fuel pumps, so it can get pretty complicated sometimes!

It is during the busiest period of the afternoon when I notice that every time I try to authorise the pump, the customer hangs it back up again. This happens several times. Eventually, she comes running into the store.

“The pump isn’t working! Fix it!”

“Sorry you’re having trouble. Just pick up the pump and put it inside the car and wait for a few seconds so we can authorise your fuel for you.”

“I was doing that! It’s not working!”

“Please go out there and try again. It should be working fine now.”

The customer runs back out of the store and to her car. She picks up the pump, holding it above her head for a few seconds, and finally puts it into her car. We authorise her fuel and keep watching her. I check on the screen to check how much fuel she’s pumped and was surprised to see she had none. As I expect, the customer comes back into the store frantic about filling up her car.

“It’s still not working! You said it would be fine!”

“Well, we did manage to authorise your fuel this time. Were you actually pulling the trigger on the pump?”

“What? It doesn’t just work automatically?”

I am now holding back the urge to laugh.

“No, of course not. You squeeze the handle and the fuel will pump into your car.”

Customer: “Oh.”

She runs out of the store and back to her car. She picks up the pump and finally begins pumping. When she’s done she comes into the store, pays for her fuel, and then leaves. Thinking we’ve seen the last of her, I am relieved, only to see her running back into the store again.

“There’s no fuel in my car! I just paid all this money and when I turned the car on, it still reads as empty!”

“You do know you have to wait several minutes before the fuel gauge moves, right? Unless you spilled a tank’s worth of fuel straight onto the ground, it’ll be in your car.”

She protested some more but finally left. All I could do was giggle for the rest of the shift.

Six Inches Can Make All The Difference

, , , , | Right | February 27, 2020

On Sundays, we have a “super Sunday deal” which discounts all footlong subs to $7 if you buy a drink, as well. A customer has purchased a six-inch meatball sub, which costs $5.45. She buys a 600mL bottle of soda for $3.75.

“That’ll be $9.20 all up, thanks.”

“Excuse me, where’s the deal in that?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“Your sign says that if I buy a sub and a drink, the sub will only cost $7! So why is my sub not $7?”

“That deal only applies to footlong subs and you have ordered a six-inch.”

“Can’t you just give me the $7 deal with the six-inch, then?!”

“But you ordered a six-inch meatball sub. That costs $5.45.”

“So what?”

“So, what you’re telling me is that you want me to charge you $7 for a sub that normally costs $5.45?”

*Pauses for a few seconds* “No.”

The customer handed me $9.20 and quickly headed for the door.