(I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”

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(Two customers come into the store wearing a uniform from the same company. Often when this happens, people generally get separate items, then pay for them together, so I always ask to make sure before ringing the items up. They are both male.)

Me: “Hello, are you two paying together?”

Customer #1: “No! We are definitely not together! I’m not gay! We work together. That’s all okay! We aren’t gay together! He’s not my boyfriend and we are not a couple! Not that I’m against… You know… I’m not prejudiced! BUT WE AREN’T TOGETHER!”

Me: “Sir, I asked if you are paying together.”

Customer #1: “Oh… No. Separately. Which is what we are. Separate. Not a couple.”

Customer #2: *trying not to laugh* “Sorry about him.”

Me: “Don’t apologise! You guys just made my day. But, you know… separately.”

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(Queensland is suffering major flooding throughout the state. I’m tracking a customer’s order that was placed last week and still hasn’t arrived.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve tracked your order with our courier. Unfortunately, due to flooding there are a lot of road closures which is why your order has not been delivered.”

Customer: “But it’s not even raining that much, and the water isn’t that high in the streets.”

Me: “I am sorry for any inconvenience but the courier can not risk driving through flood water.”

(Long pause.)

Customer: “So it won’t be here today?”

Me: “Not unless you have a boat.”

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(I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defense under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”

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Me: “Hello, this is [Taxi Service]. Can I have your pickup address, please?”

Caller: “I don’t know!”

Me: “Well, you will need to tell me some kind of an address.”

Caller: “Why can’t you just ‘GPS’ me?”

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