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Many Customers Are Not Used To Thinking A Lot

, , , , | Right | November 19, 2020

I have a destination trailer stationed at a campground year-round. I put it up for sale: the trailer, the storage shed, the deck, and the golf cart. Many people are only looking for a golf cart. I specify in the ad, very clearly, in bold letters, that the cart is not sold alone — that everything is being sold as a whole lot, not individually.

I get an email.

Client: “How much just for the golf cart?”

Me: “Just for the golf cart it’s [full price] and I’ll give you a trailer, a shed, and a deck with it.”

Client: “I mean, I just want the golf cart, not the rest. How much just for the cart?”

Me: “As specified in the ad, if you want the golf cart, it’s [full price], and you’ll get the cart, the trailer, the shed, and the shack.”

Client: “I don’t want everything, just the cart.”

Me: “The cart is not sold separately. It is written in the ad. It is sold as a whole. I sell everything at once or nothing. I won’t give you a price for just the golf cart.”

He never contacted me again. I had my fun.

One Cent: The Cost Of Her Child’s Life

, , , | Right | October 2, 2020

I work in a well-known toy store. When a toy is rung up as one cent at the checkout, this indicates that it is dangerous and must be removed from sale.

Me: “Hello! You found what you were looking for?”

Customer: “It’s been one hour. I’m here to find a baby shower gift, but I finally found it!”

She throws a card, a gift bag, and a baby toy on the counter. I ring the items but the baby toy is coming up as one cent.

Me: “Oh, sorry to tell you this, but I cannot sell you this toy.”

Customer: “What? And why not?”

Me: “It indicates that it should not be sold for several reasons.”

Customer: “I do not care what your reasons are! I’ve been here for one hour; I want this toy!”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, I cannot sell it to you—”

Customer: “I want to see a manager immediately!”

I call the manager and explain the situation. He comes right away.

Manager: “Hello, madam, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “I have been here for an hour and I want this toy! Sell it to me!”

Manager: “Sorry, ma’am, but it is the policy of the company. This toy could be dangerous for the child.”

Customer: “I DON’T CARE FOR YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS! I want this toy NOW!”

Manager: “If I understand, ma’am, you tell me that you really want this toy at the expense of the health of a child?”

She didn’t say anything else and left the shop without buying anything.

The Position You Are Looking For Does Not Exist

, , , , , , , | Working | September 28, 2020

I work for a shop which is about to go under and close. All other locations are gone; we only keep the better selling spot for one last year to try and get all the inventory sold before we are over for good. Obviously, I’m not allowed to tell anyone about our situation.

Unfortunately, one of the “great” ideas higher-up management has to show us as still active and going is to advertise jobs open in the shop. I can’t take the sign down.

That leads to this happening a few times a week.

A job seeker comes in, CV in hand.

Job Seeker: “Hi, may I speak to the manager, please?”

The manager doesn’t even want to be disturbed about that at this point, and any employee is allowed to pretend to be the manager in such a case.

Me: “Yes, it’s me.”

Job Seeker: “Yes, I’m here to apply for [position].” 

Me: “Okay, I see. Actually, I’m not looking to hire anyone. If you insist on leaving your resume here, I’m turning around and putting it in the recycling.” *Points to the bin* “Seriously, don’t waste it.”

This is when they all give me the same look, thinking, “This a test! I’m going to prove my determination!”, and get into a self-selling speech. 

Me: “Yeah, that’s good but I’m not pretending. I’m not hiring and your resume really is going in recycling. This is not a test, filter technique, or any kind of trick. We are not hiring.” 

Job Seeker: “Here’s my availability and contact information.”

They push their resume to me on the counter, since I make no move to take it.

Job Seeker: “Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon!”

They walk away with confidence and no look back.

And… that’s when I grab the paper, turn around, and drop it in the recycling. 

I try. I try as hard as I can but they all leave their resumes with us.

He Probably Thinks Women Don’t Fart, Too

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 28, 2020

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a few weeks when he comes over to my place. We’re sitting on the couch watching a movie, when…

Guy: “Hey, you smell different today. Are you wearing perfume?”

Me: “No, I got a new shower gel.”

Guy: “Why would that make you smell different?”

Me: *Confused pause* “Because it’s a different scent than the last one?”

Guy: “But the shower gel shouldn’t change the way you smell.”

Me: “Um. When you wash with soap, you smell like that soap. You smell like your shower gel, don’t you?”

Guy: “But you’re a girl! You’re supposed to just smell good naturally.”

Me: “Uh… women do sweat, you know. Why do you think we take showers?”

Guy: “It’s to wash off the sweat and stuff. Then, the natural smell comes through, and some girls just smell better than others, just like some girls are prettier than others.”

Me: “Hold up. You really thought the smell of citrus just… came out of my pores? Dude, I’m not a grapefruit.”

Guy: “So you’ve been tricking me this whole time?!”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “You’re just like those girls who wear perfume and makeup! We’re done. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Me: “Fine by me, but I can absolutely guarantee you that any other woman you date is also going to smell like whatever she washes with. You’re not going to find a lady who ‘naturally’ smells like fruit and flowers.”


This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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Wait Until She Hears Cardi B’s Newest Little Ditty

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 23, 2020

I’m a singer, “pro” by formation but it’s not my career, nor how I win my life. I’m also the owner of a duplex, occupying the first apartment and renting the second. Insonorization is pretty good, but it is a nice warm day and everyone has opened the windows. Also, because of the recent health crisis, my tenant lost her job, and school was canceled for her eight-year-old son, which causes them to be home when I don’t expect them to be.

As I often do, I start a playlist to sing for an hour or two for practice and fun. About thirty minutes in, there’s a knock on my door. It’s my tenant, looking rather angry.

She explains to me that her son heard me sing, and now he’s “asking questions.”

She states that and crosses her arms, looking at me with bulging eyes.

I don’t understand and ask what’s the problem, thinking that maybe I was too loud or that she had some hate against singing in general.

Tenant: “I don’t care if you sing, but what you sing! How dare you be howling obscenities like that in front of children?!”

Now it clicks: while I do opera and classical, I also do popular music. Some songs are in the “sexy” range, but it’s all stuff you could hear from any radio station without censorship.

Me: “Well, there are no children here in my apartment. So much for ‘in front of children.’ Second, it’s the first time I was made aware I was heard from your apartment and I have been renting for fifteen years at this point. Also, I sing what I want; I could drop F-bombs and you would still get no say with that choice. I guess you’re lucky that I elected not to. Otherwise, the lyrics are rather clean in themselves, and out of context it doesn’t mean much.”

Tenant: “But now my son is asking questions! What are you going to do about it?”

Me: “Me? Nothing, he’s all yours to educate.”

Tenant: “It’s all your fault! You deal with it!”

I think it’s pretty funny and I can’t help but smirk.

Me: “So, you want me, the landlady who’s ‘howling obscenities’ to teach your son about the birds and the bees, then answer and explain, in detail, all about what he just heard in the songs? Really?”

I think she changed her mind because she turned around and left without a word.