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Just Drink Your Tea And Leaf The Puns Out Of It

, , , , , | Working | July 29, 2020

I work in a small open-plan office. I have just finished writing a technical manual, so I hand the hard copy over to my technical manager for checking. As a precursor to asking if anyone else wants a drink, I make a comment.

Me: “Well, I think I’ve earned myself a cup of tea.”

Before I can ask if anyone else wants one, my technical manager responds.

Technical Manager: “You get paid in tea now, do you?”

Me: “There’s a thought.”

Coworker: “The rate you go, you’d be paid a fortune.”

Me: “Can you imagine the problems that would happen if anyone found out about me being paid in tea? Trouble brewing!”

There are a lot of groans around the office, and the admin assistant’s head falls into her hands with a comment of, “Oh, [My Name]!”

Me: “You don’t know how much pleasure your collective cries of agony gave me.”

Will Banana Split Your Sides Laughing

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2020

I work at a chain of family restaurants in the northeast US, and this happens about 10:30 pm, a little over an hour before we close for the night. I am working the ice cream counter. A Jim Dandy is what we call our large banana splits.

Me: *To a waitress* “Hey, what do you call a Jim Dandy with no nuts?”

Waitress: “What?”

Me: “A Jane Dandy!”

She tells her customer, laughs, tweets it, and then tells the joke to another customer at carry-out.

Customer: “This is great; you guys should open a bar!”

A Whisker Away From Insanity

, , , , , | Related | April 23, 2020

While working from home during the recent global health crisis, I post a picture online of my cat cuddling my laptop and mock-complain that my work calls are being interrupted by purring. The following comment exchange ensues between me and my sisters. 

Sister #1: “In-purr-upted?”

Sister #2: “I am proud of that pun. It is purrfect.” 

Me: *Pause* “Get out.”

Sister #1: “Aww. Do I have to leave right meow?” 

Me: “I guess you can stay for a mew minutes.” 

Sister #2: “You have got to be kitten me! She can stay fur as long as she likes!” 

Remember that laughter helps reduce stress! Stay safe and keep smiling, everyone!

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Telling A Joke But All You Get Are Crickets

, , , | Right | April 17, 2020

I work in a pet store, and there is a regular that is in all the time. She is very nice and always makes light chat. Normally, I am in the fish/animal department where she shops but today I’m up on the registers.

Regular: “I have a number of crickets and these.”

She motions to her other items and I enter the codes.

Me: “Your total is [price]. So, where’s [Husband]?”

Regular: “He’s at home.”

She hands over a crumpled wad of cash, which I start to straighten.

Regular: “It’s the right amount.”

Me: “Oh, I believe you. You’re here all the time. I’m just flattening them so they lay in the register easier.”

Regular: “Okay. Sorry about them. They went through the wash today.”

Me: *Completely serious* “Been laundering money, have we?”

Regular: *Laughs* “Wow, that was so… punny.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “I couldn’t help myself! No regrets!”

The regular is still laughing as she gathers up her stuff.

Regular: “I guess I set myself up for that.”

Me: “See you later!”

Puns As Painful As Bad Customers

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2020

(I am in a popular store. A female employee is putting up a huge advertisement picture in the women’s clothing section, and a man with a manager’s badge walks over.)

Manager: “[Employee], how goes the poster hanging?”

Employee: “Well, I have a feeling there’s going to be some problems with this one…”

(I look at the poster. It’s a woman in an extremely revealing swimsuit.)

Manager: “Yeah, I knew this one would cause some issues. I can hear it now. ‘Mister Manager, how dare you show this to my children?! It’s so inappropriate! I want a refund even though I didn’t buy anything!’”

Employee: “When anyone complains, you’d better know that I’m making you deal with them.”

Manager: “I promise I will… ad-DRESS the issue! Get it? Address?”