You’re Being Pun-ished

, , , , | Romantic | October 23, 2018

(Every weekday, my partner and I drive home from work together. I tend to get out and check the mail, as our mailbox isn’t that waterproof. This occurs on a rather rainy day, when I’ve just bragged about winning a pun war with some friends.)

Me: “I have another one! What kind of tree does a scientist grow? A chemis-tree!” *bursts out laughing*

Partner: “Wow, that’s pretty bad.”

(We pull up to the driveway.)

Partner: “Hey, are you going to get out today?”

Me: “It’s raining, so I—”

Partner: “Because you should.”

Me: “Too many puns?”

Partner: “Out.”

Me: “Aw, man.”

The Theory Of Everything Silly

, , , , , , , | Related | October 15, 2018

(My kids and I are leaving the book fair at their school. My youngest is named Stephen. My oldest, age ten, has a book about scientists.)

Oldest: “This book doesn’t have Stephen Hawking in it!”

Stephen: “CAW! CAW! CAW!”

Me: “Stephen! What are you doing?”

Stephen: “I’m ‘hawking’! I’m Stephen Hawking!”

The Poop Is Pun-gent

, , , , | Related | September 30, 2018

(This story takes place over text. I’m walking my dog and she eats some horse poop.)

Me: *texting Mom* “[Dog] ate some poop.”

Mom: “Yuck and ugh.”

Me: “I know… I hope it’s worth getting her teeth brushed really well. I think it was horse poo. Just a little bit, but gosh.”

Mom: “Oh, well, horse poo. That’s different. Still gross.”

Me: “Yeah, it was more like hay-ry apples. But very. I got some out of her mouth but any poo is too much to eat. Mare-y Christmas to her. Be home soon.”

Mom: “That’s mare-y funny.”

Me: “Sorry, are you a little hoarse? Okay, I’ve had en-hoof.”

They’re Breeding Like Starbucks

, , , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2018

(My husband and I are driving on a road near our house where they are putting up a natural food store right next to a restaurant. It looks like it’s almost touching the restaurant.)

Me: “It looks like they’re spooning one another.”

Husband: “Store sex! Does this mean they’re going to have kiosks?”

Lizards And Dragons And Beards, Oh My

, , , , , | Friendly | August 24, 2018

(It’s three in the morning when I get a phone call from my best friend. She wakes me about once a week to tell me some weird thing she thought of while she was trying to sleep.)

Friend: “Hey! Guess what I just realized?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “All bearded dragons come from Australia!”

Me: “And?”

Friend: “That means every bearded dragon is the Lizard of Oz!”

Me: *brief pause* “Oh, my God, [Friend]. Go to bed!”

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