Got His Seven-Up!

, , , , , | Romantic | November 14, 2018

(My husband and I are eating a dinner of steak and garden peas together. Midway through the meal, he throws a couple of peas at me.)

Husband: *giggles* “I just peed on you!”

(A few minutes later he picks up his soda, glancing seductively at me.)

Husband: “Maybe later I’ll ‘mount-and-do’ you.”

(I’m so glad I found someone who enjoys the same humor as I do.)

Noodles And Woods And Caulk, Oh My

, , , , , , , | Working | November 12, 2018

(My husband is a contractor for a rental company. He usually gets called to do repairs and repaint and whatnot between tenants. When he needs an extra set of hands, I usually offer to tag along and help out. This particular day, I’ve been watching him cut and replace the wooden trim on a door frame, and now he’s filling in the cracks with caulk, using his fingers and hands to get into the creases.)

Me: “Man, you are always playing with your caulk, aren’t you?!”

Husband: *smirking at me* “Got to make sure it’s smooth. Only way to do that is by rubbing my caulk with my hand.”

Me: “Looks messy. You’re going to get your caulk all over everything!”

Husband: “Good point. Maybe I should go back to playing with my wood.”

(We both start laughing. Then, the rental agent, whom my husband has been working with for nearly 15 years, calls.)

Agent: “[Husband]! That job done yet? I’m not paying you to stand around, yankin’ your noodle!”

Drawing Towards Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | November 2, 2018

(I have always considered myself lucky. My dad wasn’t the type to make puns or dad jokes. That ended today. We are making ourselves breakfast, and the belt loop on my jeans becomes stuck on the drawer’s knob. This happens.)

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it. I got stuck on the drawer.”

Dad: “It’s stuck on you.”

Me: “I don’t return the feelings.”

Dad: “You could say it’s… drawer-n to you.”

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it! IT’S TOO EARLY TO MAKE DAD JOKES! MOOOOM!”

(We almost went through life without a dad joke or pun.)

Not Ball-Bustingly Funny, But It’ll Do

, , , , , , , , | Healthy | November 1, 2018

(I have been diagnosed with testicular cancer and will have to have one of my testicles removed. I am meeting with the consultant who has run a few tests and has now given me the date of the surgery: the following Monday. It has been a bit of a bureaucratic nightmare to get this point.)

Consultant: “And I’m sorry again that it has taken so long to get to this point, but now that we’ve got the ball rolling—”

Me: *grinning* “Pun intended?”

(The consultant realised what he said, and both he and the nurse laughed. Later he told me he’d had other cancer patients that day who had — understandably — been very upset, and it was nice to see someone dealing with it with humour. The surgery has gone well and I’m making a good recovery!)

A Meal That Didn’t Put A Foot Wrong

, , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2018

(I’ve just made dinner for my parents. Having a bout of creativity, I decided to make Halloween meatloaf, and twice-baked potatoes. The meatloaf is shaped like monster feet, with the toenails being little pieces of onion, and the twice-baked potatoes are covered in melted cheddar, with bacon bits forming a jack-o-lantern face. After eating, my dad comes into the kitchen.)

Dad: “[My Name], that was delicious. Thanks.”

Me: “No problem. Glad you enjoyed it.”

Mom: *to my dad* “What did you have? Toes?”

Dad: “No, I had the ankle.”

Mom: “Right. I had the toes, and [My Name] had the arch.”

Dad: *grinning* “Now we just sound like cannibals!”

Me: “It’s a feet-st!”

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