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Pure Poetry

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2021

A guest approaches my pretzel stand. I happen to be with my manager.

Guest: “Can you help me? I can’t find my father.”

She opens her touristy fanny pack, which is full to the brim with odds and ends, and shows me her phone.

Guest: “Battery died. Can I use your phone?”

I’m about to say that we’re not allowed to carry phones while on shift, but my manager allows the woman to use his phone. She calls her elderly father and we manage to find him nearby, safe and sound.

My manager has a big smirk on his face once we find the father, and I ask him about it. He simply points to the customer’s fanny pack.

Manager: “It’s a knick-knack fanny pack, give the girl a phone. Her old man is roaming alone!”

Me: “…I quit.”

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Dad Jokes Aren’t All Greek To You

, , , , , , | Working | June 1, 2021

I’m currently in a weekly planning session with my coworkers. Due to the recent health crisis, we’ve been primarily working from home, and today, some of our team are back in the [City] office to socialise for the first time in months. They’re discussing their plans for lunch and where they’ll be going.

Colleague: “Well, it was a fifty-fifty between Greek and Thai, but we decided to go with Greek.”

Me: “So, what you’re telling us is that you had a Thai-breaker?”

The entire team groans.

Team Leader: “How can you have such bad dad jokes without having any kids?”

He’ll Be Flying On That Pun High For Ages

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 25, 2021

My husband and I are sitting in the living room talking when we hear a strange, loud, mechanical sound coming from outside.

Me: “Wow, some really weird plane must be flying overhead. I’ve never heard one quite like that. What kind do you think it is? Or could it be a helicopter?”

My husband shrugs his shoulders, grinning, and puts his hands out to the sides with his palms up in a classic “I don’t know” gesture.

Husband: “It’s hard to be certain when things are all up in the air.”

I still think that was the best pun he’s ever made!

Soon You’ll Be Groaning Alone

, , , , | Related | May 14, 2021

My brother and I are driving around a run-down plaza parking lot.

Brother: “See that company? They’re always sending me junk mail to give me loans!”

Me: “You should call them and tell them to leave you… alone.”

Brother: “W—”

Me: “Oh, my gosh! I just made an unintentional pun!”

Brother: “That means it’s not funny!”

Me: “No, it’s more funny!”

We argued, but I think I’m right.

The Kids Are Kinder Than Your Complaining Coworker

, , , , , , | Working | May 6, 2021

We are a multinational company, with coworkers from the UK, Germany, and France. Everyone seems to get on really well and most of us socialise outside of work, as well. Part of this is sarcasm and banter. Some of the German guys struggled to understand, but after a few months, they are joining in with everyone.

We’re discussing our kids and families. One of my German coworkers is talking about how great his kids are. It’s all normal parenting stuff.

Me: “Well, you know what they say about German children?”

German Coworker: “No. What?”

Me: “They’re all kind-er.”

German Coworker: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “Kind-er, you know, like kinder. That’s German for ‘children,’ right?”

German Coworker: “Oh, yes, very good. English joke. I get it now.”

We laugh more at how bad my humor is and finish our break. I am dragged into Human Resources that afternoon.

HR: “There’ve been reports that you have been using racially insensitive and bullying language.”

Me: “News to me. What did I say?”

HR: “Err…” *Checking paperwork* “Something about berating one of the German workers about his children.”

Me: “I said German kids were kind-er. Did you actually speak to [German Coworker]?”

HR: “I, err… no. He is next.”

Me: “I suggest you do that, and maybe to the person making these allegations.”

I caught up with my coworker later that week to make sure that he wasn’t actually offended . Surprise, he wasn’t, and he said he felt more part of the team when we treated him like the English workers. The anonymous complainer was spoken to about exaggerating complaints. Hopefully, they got the hint.