I’m boiling some water in the office break room to make my cup of tea. An older woman coworker comes in, known for being stern and serious.

Coworker: “Careful with that water. You’re going to overcook it if you keep boiling it like that.”

Me: “Wow, [Coworker], if I didn’t know you better, I’d say that was almost a joke.”

Coworker: “If you did know me better, you’d know that I have a…” *Gestures to the kettle.* “…very dry sense of humor.”

[Coworker] then walks out of the room. That was five years ago, and I’ve never heard another joke from her since. Maybe she was having an off day?

A couple are placing their items on my checkout belt.

Customer: *To me.* “What does cheese say when it sees itself in a mirror?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Customer: *Slapping a specific cheese onto the belt for me to scan.* “Halloumi!”

I admit it. I laughed. Even more so when his wife said:

Customer’s Wife: “We don’t even need halloumi. Did you buy it just so you could make that joke?!”

My dad, being a typical dad, has been known to throw an awful dad joke around or two. He usually does this in the comfort of our own home so as to avoid embarrassment of us, and himself.

Mum is making dinner, and we have a family friend over. My dad is unaware of this visitor, so he comes from work, smells the food in the hallway, and announces loudly as he enters the kitchen:

Dad: “Put those breast implants in my mouth!”

And then he locks eyes on our guest, who in turn locks eyes on him, and the world stops spinning for a moment. The rest of us (mum and my siblings) are trying not to explode into laughter.

Dad: “[Friend’s Name]! I… didn’t know you were here.”

Friend: “Clearly.”

Dad: “You’re here for dinner?”

Friend: “I am…”

Dad: “…”

Friend: “…so do I need to ask?”

Dad: “[Mum’s Name] is making chicken salad.”

Friend: “Yes, it looks delicious.”

Dad: “I… sometimes call it… uh…”

Friend: *Eyes widen.* “Breasts in plants!”

Dad: “…yes.”

Friend: “That’s amazing.”

Mum: “Don’t enable him!”

Dad started checking the rooms before announcing his dad jokes after that.

I work as a museum guide, and on this particular day, I’m leading a group through our exhibit on Ancient Rome. We stop in front of a case displaying coins and busts of various Roman emperors.

Me: “And here we have coins minted during the reigns of various Emperors of the Roman Empire. This one belonged to—”

Guest: *Grinning.* “Did you know there was a Roman emperor who stopped aging after turning nineteen?”

The group goes quiet. I can see a few people brace themselves.

Me: “…I’m afraid I don’t know that one. Who was it?”

Guest: “Emperor Constant Teen!“

The room fills with a wave of collective groans. Someone mutters, “Oh no,” under their breath.

Me: “Congratulations, you just invented a new ruin for the museum. I was actually about to point out some coins minted during the reign of Constantine the Great, around the time he died… aged sixty-seven.”

Guest: “Aww.”

The group laughs, shakes their heads, and follows me to the next section.

I’m at a grocery store that has a checkout operator AND a bagger, so quite fancy compared to what I’m used to.

Bagger: “Do you want paper or plastic?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter, you choose.”

Bagger: “You have to pick. Baggers can’t be choosers.”

Me: “…Oh, my god.”

Cashier: “Sorry about him. He’s been like that all day.”

Me: “That was brilliant.”