(I’m doing my shift at our family-owned store when my husband walks in unexpectedly with an armload of planks.)

Me: “What are you up to?”

Husband: “Oh, just lumbering around…”

(An elderly man from my church has recently passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of us meet at a friend’s house for dinner. We’re playing some board games when some little cakes get brought out for dessert.)

Friend #1: “These are leftovers from [Recently Deceased Man’s] funeral.”

Friend #2: “As long as they’re not leftovers of [Recently Deceased Man].”

Me: “He always was a sweet guy.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Friend #3: *trying to recover from laughing* “That’s awful!”

Me: “Hey, he got his just desserts.”

(When it comes to jokes, dark humour is a piece of cake.)

Related:
Death By Chocolate, Part 7
Death By Chocolate, Part 6
Death By Chocolate, Part 5
Death By Chocolate, Part 4
Death By Chocolate, Part 3

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(My dad is the mechanics teacher at the high school in our city. I am in his grade-10 class. He always says that his main role as a father is to embarrass his two daughters. My dad is helping another student with their small engine, while I am standing by, waiting for my dad to come and help me.)

Dad: “Here’s your hammer. Why did you need it?”

(The student starts to explain their reasons for needing the hammer but…)

Dad: *cuts them off by yelling* “BECAUSE IT’S HAMMER TIME!” *promptly starts singing and humming an MC Hammer song while dancing along*

(Keep in mind that I am standing right there, although now I am blushing, rolling my eyes, and doing my best to not look embarrassed.)

Dad: *looks over at me while talking to the student* “I feel my role as a father is to embarrass my children.”

Student: “Well, it’s definitely working.”

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(My boss is a funny guy, and the other day he was thinking about cross-merchandising our two-liter sodas with our chips. One of our soda vendors comes in, and my boss and the vendor notice there is a space between the two-liter Coke bottles and the two-liter Mountain Dew bottles. This is how the conversation goes.)

Vendor: “So, what are we going to put there?”

Boss: *thinking* “What about Cheese-Doodles? So it’ll be Coke, a Doodle, Dew!”

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(I am at a restaurant with my boyfriend and two of his friends. My boyfriend has just showed everyone a picture on his phone of an advertisement for a giant ice cream sundae, served in a kitchen sink, with the tagline, “INCLUDING THE KITCHEN SINK!”)

Me: “We need to go eat that, right now.”

Friend #1: “I don’t know. Thinking about eating that is giving me a SINKing feeling.”

Friend #2: “Me, too. We’ll just be DRAINed afterwards.”

Boyfriend: “C’mon, guys! We can totally do it if we’re all in SINK!”

Me: *head on table* “I hate all of you.”

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