They Missed The Joke, Too

, , , , , , , | Related | January 6, 2019

(My mom and I have just left a restaurant, and we notice that the weather has changed when we get outside.)

Me: “Oh, it’s raining. Well, not raining, more like misting?”

Mom: “I missed you.”

Me: *confused* “I missed you, too?”

(Thirty seconds later, once we get in the car…)

Me: “Oh! You mist me!”

Mom: “Did you really just figure that out?”

Me: “I’m going to blame the food.”

In Soviet Russia, Joke Is You

, , , , , | Romantic | December 20, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are talking to the plumber about results of some water tests for lead, and about installing special filters called “curtains.”)

Boyfriend: “So, about how much does a lead curtain cost?”

Plumber: “Oh, about [price].”

Boyfriend: “That’s about the same as an iron curtain, then.”

Me: *awkward laugh*

(My boyfriend and the plumber give me funny looks.)

Me: “I thought you were making a communism joke.”

Don’t Lose Sight Of The Numbers

, , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

(A customer walks in and uses the automated lotto machine. On her way out she tries to catch my attention.)

Woman: “I just don’t understand why they have that.”

Me: *confused* “Have what?”

Woman: “The machine has braille writing under the screen.”

(I don’t know offhand what the braille sign says.)

Me: “I think it’s to make sure everyone is included in their ability to gamble?”

Woman: “But I just don’t know why they put it there.”

(Lost for words, I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.)

Me: “Blind luck?”

(The woman cracked up and left the store laughing. My coworker and I went to see what the sign actually said: “Please ask for a clerk if you need assistance.”)

That’s A Negative On The Math Jokes

, , , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(As I man the cut table, the boss and the manager are making pizza and chatting.)

Boss: “I’ve heard it called the Deluxe, the Supreme, and the Garbage pizza, but after fourteen years in the business, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it referred to as an Absolute Pizza.”

Me: “Does that mean it has the same value whether it’s negative or positive?”

Boss: “Definitely.”

Manager: “Look, I love bad math jokes more than most, but that one’s not worth a response.”

Me: “So, I could go to a customer and demand they pay up their negative Absolute Pizza? ‘Thanks for ordering; that’ll be $24.99, and you now owe me a pizza.'”

Manager: *glaring at boss* “You. YOU DID THIS.”

Puns Are Literally S***

, , , | Right | November 20, 2018

(One of our regular customers is a magician, and tends to have various novelty items.)

Me: *to a coworker* “Hey, check out what [Customer] just gave me.”

(I hand him what appears to be a one-inch, handmade wooden stool inside a plastic medicine vial.)

Coworker: “What the h*** is that?”

Me: “A ‘stool sample.'”

Coworker: *groans*

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