Lettuce In For Some Puns

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2017

(I’m shopping in the produce department of a local supermarket. One of the clerks is busy restocking the iceberg lettuce. Just as another customer is squeezing past, one of the lettuces falls off the cart and tumbles across the floor.)

Customer: “Heads will roll!”

Bringing In Some Punwood

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2017

(I’m doing my shift at our family-owned store when my husband walks in unexpectedly with an armload of planks.)

Me: “What are you up to?”

Husband: “Oh, just lumbering around…”

Death By Chocolate

, , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2017

(An elderly man from my church has recently passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of us meet at a friend’s house for dinner. We’re playing some board games when some little cakes get brought out for dessert.)

Friend #1: “These are leftovers from [Recently Deceased Man’s] funeral.”

Friend #2: “As long as they’re not leftovers of [Recently Deceased Man].”

Me: “He always was a sweet guy.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Friend #3: *trying to recover from laughing* “That’s awful!”

Me: “Hey, he got his just desserts.”

(When it comes to jokes, dark humour is a piece of cake.)

Hammering Home The Dad Jokes

, , , , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(My dad is the mechanics teacher at the high school in our city. I am in his grade-10 class. He always says that his main role as a father is to embarrass his two daughters. My dad is helping another student with their small engine, while I am standing by, waiting for my dad to come and help me.)

Dad: “Here’s your hammer. Why did you need it?”

(The student starts to explain their reasons for needing the hammer but…)

Dad: *cuts them off by yelling* “BECAUSE IT’S HAMMER TIME!” *promptly starts singing and humming an MC Hammer song while dancing along*

(Keep in mind that I am standing right there, although now I am blushing, rolling my eyes, and doing my best to not look embarrassed.)

Dad: *looks over at me while talking to the student* “I feel my role as a father is to embarrass my children.”

Student: “Well, it’s definitely working.”

An Unhealthy Way To Wake Up

, , , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(My boss is a funny guy, and the other day he was thinking about cross-merchandising our two-liter sodas with our chips. One of our soda vendors comes in, and my boss and the vendor notice there is a space between the two-liter Coke bottles and the two-liter Mountain Dew bottles. This is how the conversation goes.)

Vendor: “So, what are we going to put there?”

Boss: *thinking* “What about Cheese-Doodles? So it’ll be Coke, a Doodle, Dew!”

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