An Unhealthy Way To Wake Up

, , , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(My boss is a funny guy, and the other day he was thinking about cross-merchandising our two-liter sodas with our chips. One of our soda vendors comes in, and my boss and the vendor notice there is a space between the two-liter Coke bottles and the two-liter Mountain Dew bottles. This is how the conversation goes.)

Vendor: “So, what are we going to put there?”

Boss: *thinking* “What about Cheese-Doodles? So it’ll be Coke, a Doodle, Dew!”

Tapped Into A Never-Ending Flow Of Puns

, , , , , | Friendly | September 3, 2017

(I am at a restaurant with my boyfriend and two of his friends. My boyfriend has just showed everyone a picture on his phone of an advertisement for a giant ice cream sundae, served in a kitchen sink, with the tagline, “INCLUDING THE KITCHEN SINK!”)

Me: “We need to go eat that, right now.”

Friend #1: “I don’t know. Thinking about eating that is giving me a SINKing feeling.”

Friend #2: “Me, too. We’ll just be DRAINed afterwards.”

Boyfriend: “C’mon, guys! We can totally do it if we’re all in SINK!”

Me: *head on table* “I hate all of you.”

An Inconvenient Pun

, , , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(The manager and I are standing behind concessions. It’s a weekday afternoon during the school year, so things are slow, and we’re standing there in an awkward silence.)

Me: “If former Vice-President Gore were to release an album of him playing the drums, he would have to call it ‘Al Gore Rhythms.’”

Manager: “Um… wow… Why don’t you go clean… something?”

It’s A Family Affair

, , , | Romantic | July 26, 2017

(I got a text message from my dad telling me that my step-mom had done a DNA test and that her results are back. They indicate that my step-mom has a first cousin in our extremely large metropolitan area.)

Dad: “[Step-sister] and [Step-mom] are doing their ancestry. They are finding that they could be related to the [Married Last Name] family. They traced it to a [Husband’s Paternal Grandmother] married to a [Husband’s Grandfather] in [City my in-laws live in], who died in 2008. [Husband’s Grandfather] died in 2012.”

Me: “Wait, Are you saying my husband is your wife’s first cousin once removed?! I always joked that [Husband] looked like he belonged in the family more than I did.”

Dad: “Yep!”

(I tell my husband.)

Husband: “So, does that make me your… cousband?!”

Puns That Make You Weak

, , , , , | Romantic | July 19, 2017

(My husband and I are at my parents’ for dinner tonight and came early to help set up. Mom had eye surgery last week so we’re not letting her do anything so she recovers well. She’s one of those people who always likes to have something to keep her busy so she keeps trying to pitch in anyway.)

Dad: “[My Name], if you could set the table. [Husband], we’re using disposables so we won’t have to worry about dishes — they’re in the cabinet. [Mom], sit down and relax and stop trying to help!”

Mom: “But I need to do things! Or all my muscles will turn into Jello!”

Dad: “That’s okay! Then you’ll be what they call… Atrophy wife.”

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