Doesn’t Have The Complete Picture

| Right | November 16, 2015

(I’m an editor for a design-related publication, and received this phone call:)

Caller: “I have photos. Where do I send them to?”

Me: “What is this regarding?”

Caller: “I have photos of our new facility.”

Me: “So you’re looking to submit an article for consideration?”

Caller: “I don’t have an article, just the photos.”

Me: “Well, in order for you to pitch an article, you would need to send us the information about the facility.”

Caller: “Don’t you write the article?”

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Periodic Bathroom Breaks

, , , , , , | Working | July 21, 2015

(I am the only female shift lead in the art department of a coupon magazine. My supervisor comes to me with a request:)

Supervisor: “Can you go ask [Female Coworker] why she is making a lot of trips to the restroom?”

Me: “No.”

(I guessed at the reason why, but I wasn’t going to say it.)

Supervisor: “You have to; you are the lead. I need to make sure she’s not on drugs.”

(I just stare at him. Not wanting to get into an argument with him about the legality of the question and his reasons, I go find my coworker. I explained to her what he asked. Luckily she has a pretty good sense of humor.)

Me: “So, you want me to be obnoxious in my answer?”

Coworker: “Go for it.”

(At my desk, from across the room from my supervisor’s desk, I yell out:)

Me: “Hey, [Supervisor]! [Female Coworker] is on the rag, hence the numerous restroom trips!”

(He never asked me to do that again…)

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Winging It Before You Can Fly

| Working | February 25, 2015

(I have to train a new hire that will do pretty much the same job I am doing. This is a typical conversation with her.)

Me: *going to her desk first thing in the morning, after spending the previous day showing her different forms she needs to complete* “Okay, let’s go over that form so we can send it through the system.”

New Hire: “Oh, I already did it and sent it.

(I presume she followed the notes she took the day before to complete it and ask to see the finished form.)

Me: “Um, this is completely wrong and you already sent this through the system?! If you had questions, why didn’t you ask me? And why did you send it without my checking it first?”

New Hire: “Oh, well you were gone for the day, and I wanted to get it off of my desk, so I just winged it and sent it through.”

Me: *face-palm*

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Childish Behavior

| Working | June 9, 2014

(One art director is always very unfriendly.)

Me: “Sometimes, I wonder whether I did something to offend [Art Director], and that’s why she’s always so rude to me.”

(The art director walks by, scowling.)

Boss: “Like what? Killed all her children?”

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His Lawyers Should Have The Book Thrown At Them

, , , | Right | December 7, 2013

(I work as a publisher. I get a visit from a very distraught client.)

Client: “Excuse me. I’m really sorry, but I was told you were the head publisher?”

Me: “Yes, I am. How can I help?”

Client: “Well, I’ve been writing stories my whole life. I even written a couple for my children that they love. I’m really good at it and it’s a great passion of mine. It’s my life long dream to make a living as a writer, but nobody will even look at my novel because I’m dyslexic. I know the spelling and grammar isn’t great but I’ve had people spell-check it for me. I just need someone to give me a chance. I know my book will be a hit.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been treated. Send me the first few pages of your book, the best scene in the book, preferably around the middle, and the last few pages, and I’ll give them a read.”

(The client thanks me, places the ENTIRE book on my desk, and then leaves. I start to read it later that day, only to discover that not only is the spelling and grammar awful, but so is the book itself. I continue reading much more than I usually do, wanting to believe this man was truly the great writer he claimed to be. The story gets worse and worse the more I read. I read a couple of pages in the middle. Then I skip to the end, only to discover he ended the book with the most despised sentence in the literary world, ‘and it was all a dream.’ Needless to say I wrote him a rejection letter. A few days later I get a message from the receptionist, who is in tears, claiming an enraged man is here, screaming about suing us. I told her to let him in. It was our dyslexic client.)

Client: “What is this?! You told me you were going to publish my book!”

Me: “No, sir. I said I was going to read your book, which I did. I’m sorry but I do not believe it is suitable to be published.”

Client: “That’s bull-s***. My book is brilliant. You have to publish it. There’s no good reason not to.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but the book’s no good. I can’t publish this.”

Client: “Oh yeah? Name me five reasons why you can’t publish it.”

Me: “Five?”

Client: “Yeah, five. Otherwise there’s no reason your editing team can’t sort it out.”

Me: “Okay. First of all, there is next to no characterisation.”

Client: “What the f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means that your characters don’t develop in any way.”

Client: “That’s complete bull-s***. What else?”

Me: “Your main character is suppose to be the protagonist and yet has no fatal flaw. He’s perfect.”

Client: “Main characters are supposed to be perfect. That’s why people love them. Hamlet didn’t have a ‘fatal flaw’.”

Me: “Actually, he did. He procrastinated and it resulted in many dying.”

Client: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. And that’s only two.”

Me: “I’m not finished. Three, I know you are dyslexic but almost every sentence needs to be edited. That is too much work for our editor and financially would not be beneficial for the company. Four, you not only use abbreviations in the narration like BTW for ‘by the way’, but you also use words that don’t exist.”

Client: “Like what?”

Me: “Like the word ET. It does not exist.”

Client: “Yeah, it does. I ‘et’ an apple.”

Me: “Ate, sir. You ATE an apple. ‘Et’ is not a word.”

Client: “Fine, but that’s only four.”

Me: “And five, it’s not long enough.”

Client: “How can it not be long enough. It’s well over 100 pages.”

Me: “Sir, the quantity of a book is based on word count, not pages. Your book may be over 100 pages, but with the size of the paper, the size of the font, and also that you start a brand new page every time you start a new chapter, it’s too short.”

Client: “Well, how long does it have to be?”

Me: “The average novel is between 80,000 to 120,000 words. Your novel is just over 16,000. I have nothing against people with dyslexia and there are many great writers who have it. You, however, will not be one of those writers. I can continue to list more things wrong with your novel but I have listed the five you requested. Now I must ask you to leave my office as I am incredibly busy.”

(The client grabs his novel from my hands and storms out. A couple of weeks later we receive a letter from a lawyer suing us for discrimination, claiming that we were not publishing the man’s novel because he was dyslexic. I had our lawyers phone his, explaining the true reasons, and also that our conversation was recorded. We never heard from him after that.)

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