(I’m taking my cat to the vet in a carrier. I don’t have a car, so I’m taking the streetcar; it’s mostly empty except for an older woman.)

Older Woman: “You go to vet?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s time for my girl’s checkup.”

Older Woman: “May I see?”

Me: “Sure.”

Older Woman: *pets my cat* “Oh, such soft fur. What dog?”

Me: “Oh, she’s not a dog. She’s a cat.”

Older Woman: “Rare to see such soft dog. Good brushing!”

Me: “Again, thank you, but she’s a cat.”

Older Woman: “And well behaved! Dogs bark!”

Cat: “Meow!”

Older Woman: “You and dog have good day!”

Me: *to my cat* “Sorry, girl, but you’re a dog today.”

(I work as an attendant for the local transit train system. A family walks in and buys some tickets for next the train to Toronto. Afterwards, they go out to the platform as the train begins to arrive. Once it stops, the daughter runs off the platform and goes under the first car lying against the tracks. Everyone goes into a panic, so I run out and try talk to the girl.)

Me: “Ma’am, get out from under there!”

Customer: “No! We bought tickets, so we go to Toronto!”

Me: “Yes… so are you trying to board?”

Customer: “Yeah! This is the way in!”

Me: “No, you go through the doors.”

Customer: “No, I am not stupid! Those are just stickers for show! That’s just f****** stupid! God!”

(I give up and leave. The conductor had to pry her out and show her the real way in. It ended up halting all train traffic for that specific line and delayed all trains for two hours.)

(My wife and I are out shopping with a friend, and have just arrived at our destination. My wife is currently on a restricted diet and cannot eat foods containing milk.)

Me: “So where next? [Shop] or food?”

Wife: “I’d say food; [friend] hasn’t had anything to eat today apart from that giant chocolate chip cookie.”

Me: *in Cookie monster’s voice* “Mmm, cookie…”

(I start trying to eat my wife’s head.)

Me: “Om nom nom nom!”

Wife: “I AM NOT A COOKIE!”

Me: “You’re small and sweet—”

Wife: “BUT NOT FULL OF CHOCOLATE!”

(My wife realises what she has just said, and suddenly looks miserable.)

Friend & Me: “Aww!”

(I am walking to my train. I get a call from my mom, who is having computer trouble.)

Me: “What is wrong?”

Mom: “The mouse won’t move.”

Me: “Does the right-click work?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, this is normal for me. Just unplug and re-plug the mouse to the tower; it should work after that.”

Mom: “Okay thanks. Bye.”

Me: “Bye.”

(I go to restart my music, but mess up and accidentally call my mom back.)

Me: “Wrong button!”

Mom: *reflexively* “How would you know? I haven’t done anything yet!”

(My friends and I are waiting in a mob of several hundred people, waiting to take the train back to our car after a concert.)

Woman #1: “I’m sorry. We should have just parked up here. I didn’t know the trains would take so long.”

Woman #2: “Nope. It’s all good. We chose to park and ride, and we’re just going to own our decision and not worry about it.”

Me: “Wow. You’re not a grade school teacher, are you?”

Woman #2: “Yes, I am! How did you know?”