(The light rail runs down Main Street on both sides of the median. The rail stations are located on the median between the rails. As I am waiting at the station for the southbound train, a man walks up to the station from the wrong side. There’s a barricade preventing people from entering the platform there. They want people to use the crosswalks, where it’s safer, so he is standing ON the northbound railroad tracks as we had this conversation.)

Panhandler: “Can you help me out with a cigarette? I think I can get around the system by asking from here. Ya see, the police gave me a ticket for $175 on the way down here and…”

(The police give tickets for panhandling at the rail station.)

Me: *I leaned over the barrier to look down the rail* “There’s a train coming!”

Panhandler: “Could you help—”

Me: “It’s right there! Do you want to get run over? Get the h*** off the track!”

(The panhandler dashes back to the sidewalk and seconds later the train rolled past. As soon as it was gone, he walked back onto the rail and up to the barricade.)

Panhandler: “Could you help me out with a cigarette?”

Me: “I just saved your life. I kept you from getting run over by a train. I think I’ve helped you enough.”

Panhandler: “But is that REAL help?”

Me: “If you asked most people which is more help, a cigarette or keeping them from getting run over by a train, they’d go with the ‘not getting run over by a train’ option as being more helpful.”

Panhandler: “Do you think it’s illegal for me to be asking for a cigarette from here? I’m trying not to get a ticket. I’m trying to buck the system.”

Me: “I think you can get a ticket for hanging out ON the railroad tracks. And you can get run over by a train.”

Panhandler: “I think… maybe I need to stop thinking.”

Me: “Maybe you need to start thinking.”

(I work at a bus depot which has trips running daily to Alberta. I’m not new to the job, and know pretty much all the common destinations.)

Customer: “My daughter needs a ticket to Dukin.”

Me: “Dukin? I’ve never heard of it. Where is it?”

Customer: “In Alberta! I know there’s a bus going to Dukin tonight! She took this trip last month. I know you guys go there, you know, Doo – kin. Dukin!”

Me: “It’s not in the computer. How do you spell it?”

Customer: “L – E – D… something…”

Me: “Leduc?”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s what I said: Dukin!”

(She buys tickets regularly now, and calls the city Dukin to this day.!)

(A few months ago my former best friend decided to stop talking to me because she didn’t like my boyfriend, who she had introduced me to. She said she could only see us being friends if he wasn’t in the picture. When she told me this, she listed the things she didn’t like about him, which were all things that she had said and done to me that I put up with for years. Recently I was taking the train to my boyfriend’s house when we run into each other. Note: this is the first time she has spoken to me in about 3 months.)

Friend: “Hey! How are you?”

Me: “I’m doing well. You?”

Friend: “I’m all right. What are you up to?”

Me: “Not much. I’m working and waiting to hear back from grad schools. You?”

Friend: “Yeah, I’m waiting to hear back from my schools, too. Hey, if we go to school in the same area we should room together! You know, if we’re talking by then.”

Me: “…”

(I am waiting with several other people for a long distance bus driving from Berlin to Luxembourg City. Some of them are chatting in French. A guy approaches me who seems to be travelling alone and who has been observing all the others around him.)

Guy: “Where is Luxembourg City?”

Me: “Um, Luxembourg City is located in Luxembourg.”

Guy: “What?!”

Me: “Well, ‘Luxembourg’ is the name of the country and its capital.”

Guy: “Uh-huh. And what language do they speak there?”

Me: “Besides Luxembourgish, also French and German.”

Guy: “Whaaat?! That’s weird! These people are so stupid.”

(I am on the train to work, and have my headphones in. I notice a man opposite me making gestures so I take them out to see if there’s a problem.)

Me: “Hi?”

Stranger: *beams at me*

Me: “… Can I help you?”

Stranger: *silently thrusts a chewing gum pack at me*

Me: “Uh… no, thank you. I have my own, but thanks…”

(The stranger makes a ‘sad clown’ face and continues to stare at me for the rest of the journey. And people wonder why I hate trains.)