(I’m riding a subway and working on a crossword puzzle one day when an elderly woman carrying a Bible sits down in the seat across from me. After a moment or two of staring at me, she points at my T-shirt, a collage of AC/DC album covers.)

Elderly Woman: “You listen to rock music, young man?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She then points at my crossword puzzle.)

Elderly Woman: “And you’re left-handed!”

Me: “So?”

Elderly Woman: “You’re going to the 12th circle of Hell, young man!”

Me: “I’ve read ‘The Divine Comedy.’ There are only nine circles, according to Dante. So apparently, I’m getting my own private home in Hell? Thanks!”

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(I’m on the train with my friend and her four-year-old daughter. The girl starts singing loudly.)

Friend: “Shh. You need to be quiet in here.”

Daughter: “Why?”

Friend: “Well, what would you do if everyone just started singing?”

Daughter: *enthusiastically* “Sing along!”

(Although I’m deaf, I can read lips rather well. I’m currently sitting at a bus stop, waiting on my bus and reading a book to pass the time. Sensing someone approaching, I glance up and smile politely at an elderly woman who has sat down beside me. I then return to reading only to feel the woman smack me on the arm several moments later.)

Me: *glances up, frowning mildly in confusion*

Woman: *clearly furious* “—rude to ignore someone! You should learn to respect your elders!”

(Realizing she’s been trying to talk to me, I open my mouth to respond, but she cuts me off before I can even try talking.)

Woman: “And don’t back-sass me, either! Honestly, your generation is so RUDE! I ought to—” *raises her hand as though to slap me*

Me: “I’m deaf.”

Woman: *blinks, frowns* “What?”

Me: “I. AM. DEAF.” *motions to my ears to get my point across*

Woman: “… Oh.” *stares for a second before sneering at me* “Well, how was I supposed to know? You look completely normal!”

(I am at a stop downtown waiting for a bus. I have a few minutes to wait, so I am walking back and forth along the street. A man comes up to me.)

Man: “Excuse me. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 11:39.”

Man: “At night or in the daytime?”

(Stunned by this question, I stare at him for a moment before pointing up to the dark, starry sky. There are streetlights on all around us in front of the closed, darkened mall and library. He looks at me, up at the sky, and back to me.)

Man: “What?”

(After my best friend moved down the coast, I make two or three trips a year to visit him. By booking well in advance and using a rail card, I get a first class ticket. This particular trip I have sat in my reserved seat and have just put my laptop on the table when two business-types, a man and a woman, walk into the carriage. The man sits down opposite me and the woman just stands and stares at me.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: *stares*

Me: “Um, right. Could you not stare at me. It’s making me uncomfortable.”

Woman: *stares*

Man: “Get out of her seat, please.”

Me: “Er… this is my seat?”

Man: “Look you’re a kid. You probably made a mistake. That’s okay, but this is first class and you need a reservation for these seats.”

Me: “Yes, I know. I have my ticket right here and the reservation with it.”

Man: “That’s not right. They don’t sell first class tickets to children. Now leave before I make you.”

(I should note that the woman has just stood there and stared at me this whole time.)

Me: “Yes, they do. I have one here. If you try and make me using physical force I will be well within my rights to use self defense.”

Man: “Look, I don’t want to hurt you. I do karate so I could easily break your arm if I needed to. I think it best you leave.”

(At this point the conductor reaches the carriage and the man sits back looking very smug, thinking I’m about to be thrown out. The conductor checks my ticket and then asks the man for his.)

Conductor: “Sir, this ticket is for the train heading to Manchester. You are on the train heading to Plymouth. I’m not really sure how you ended up here since that service leaves from an entirely different station. You will need to get off at the next stop and the station conductor will fine you for traveling on this service without a valid ticket.

(The man’s and woman’s faces went through an alarming range of colors including red, white, and blue before they both got up and headed to the end of the carriage wherein they started making frantic phone calls.)