The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

, , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

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Driving Miss Crazy

, , | Right | April 13, 2009

(I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)

Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”

Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”

Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am. I have to stop at the designated stops.”

Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”

Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”

Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”

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Citizens Of Puooiam, The Customer Is Always Right

, , | Right | September 1, 2008

Me: “… we will pick you up at the Pulliam airport.”

Customer: “How do you spell Pulliam?”

Me: “P as in Paul, U as Umbrella, L as in Lily–”

Customer: “Lily doesn’t start with O. You meant to say Oscar.”

Me: “But the letter is L. As in Lily, Lock, Luke…”

Customer: “None of those words start with O.”

Me: “You’re right… anyway, it’s spelled it PULLIAM.”

Customer: “You mean PUOOIAM.”

Me: “Sure…”

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The Cutter Gets Queued

, , , | Right | August 25, 2008

(I work at a cookie store in a train station and am serving a customer; there are a few people waiting behind him. Suddenly, a man comes and pushes in front.)

Customer: “Five white chocolates!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I have to finish serving these people first. Only then I will serve you.”

Customer: “But I have to catch a train!”

Me: “So does everybody else… This is a bloody TRAIN STATION!”

Customer: *looks a bit scared, nods his head, and goes to the back of the queue like a good boy*

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Murphy’s Law And Customers: Do Not Mix

, , , | Right | July 25, 2008

Customer: “Hey, I’m booked to get the train tomorrow at 0800 to Manchester. Can you tell me if the train will be on time?”

Me: “Good morning. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to predict if it will be on time, but this one is fairly reliable.”

Customer: “How come you can’t just tell me if it’s going to be on time?

Me: “Well, there’s any number of things that could go wrong on the day that I couldn’t predict. For example flooding, the train breaking down, maybe even a sick dri–”

Customer: “Oh, my god! All those things are going to be wrong with the train?”

Me: “No, I’m sure not all that will happen at once. Those are just examples.”

Customer: “So it’s on time, then?”

Me: *Giving up* “Yes, it’ll be on time.”

Customer: “Great, why didn’t you just say that?”

(Sure enough the next day the whole mainline was brought to a standstill by a lorry hitting a rail bridge.)

Customer: “YOU SAID IT WOULD BE ON TIME! NOW I’M GOING TO BE F****** LATE!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I doubt I would have been able to predict that! There will be a bus coming to take you to a different station where you can–”

Customer: *rants abusively*

Manager: “Look, would you just piss off? We are not omniscient! Next time you need to book a train, book it somewhere else!”

Customer: *storms out*

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