A Movie Engagement

| Romantic | December 27, 2011

Boyfriend: “So, guess what we’re doing tonight?”

(He has been dangling this in front of me all day.)

Me: “I have no idea. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. What are we doing?”

Boyfriend: *excited* “We’re going to see the Muppets movie!”

(I release an unintelligible, loud, incredibly excited scream.)

Girls across from us: “Congratulations!”

Boyfriend: *whispering* “I think that those girls thought that I just proposed to you.”

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Too Provincial With Provinces

| Right | October 18, 2011

(As employees exit the train they are divided and reboarded to a new train based on their destination. At this point, we determine where they are traveling and forward them there. A train has just arrived from USA and is making it’s first stop in Canada.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, what is your final destination today?”

Customer: “Canada.”

Me: “Where in Canada will you be traveling?”

Customer: “Ontario, Canada.”

Me: “What is the final stop in Canada you will be going to today?”

Customer: “Ontario.”

Me: “Ontario is a province, like New York State or Florida. Where in the province of Ontario are you going?”

Customer: “Canada, but you obviously don’t know as well as I do. I’ll just talk to someone else!”

Me: “Have a good day!”


This story is part of our Canada Day roundup!

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It’s Never Too Late To Say You’re Sorry

| Right | May 9, 2011

(I work at the main train station information desk. An angry customer storms up to me after trying to get a ticket out of the automatic machines.)

Customer: “Your g**d*** machines are broken, as usual!

Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “I wanted a ticket for the 9:15 train to [city] and your stupid machine won’t sell it to me! It’s broken, as usual!”

Me: “Uh, sir–”

Customer: “You guys are so useless! This is hopeless! Every time I come here, there’s a problem! You’re all a bunch of stupid f****!”

Me: “Well, sir–”

Customer: “All I want is a ticket for the 9:15 train! I get it every f***ing day, and there is always a problem!”

Me: “What I’m trying to say it that–”

Customer: “Oh, don’t you even try! Don’t you even try giving me that s***! Now, you’re going to tell me you don’t sell tickets. You don’t have control over the machines and everything, huh? You’re just a stupid information desk! Well, you know what? I’m not queuing up to the f***ing ticket office because you’re a g**d*** idiot!”

Me: “If you just–”

Customer: “You’re going to say you’re right, aren’t you?”

(This goes ahead for a good five minutes. In the end, I just stare at him while he rants about how terribly stupid I am and how horrible the service is. I just keep silent and stare at him until he’s finished.)

Customer: “So, are you going to give me that ticket or not?”

Me: “Sir, it’s five past ten.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s five past ten. That’s why the machine won’t sell you a ticket for the 9:15 train–that train is gone almost an hour ago.”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about?”

Me: “Sir, last night we switched back from daylight savings time. It means the clock went one hour ahead. It is not five past nine right now, but five past ten. That’s why you can’t buy a ticket for the 9:15 train to [city]. However, if you hurry up, you’ll manage the 10:15 one.”

(The customer looks at me in disbelief, then looks at the time on the main train timetable, then at his own watch, and eventually back at me.)

Customer: “Yeah…uh…I think I’ll try and catch that 10:15 one, then. Thanks…uh…and sorry.”

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Train Trick-ets

, , | Right | March 4, 2011

(At the ticket booth in a Paris subway station.)

Customer: *in very bad French* “Je voudrais deux billets, s’il vous plaît.”(I would like two tickets, please.)

Me: *taking two tickets from a drawer* “Voilà!” (Here you go.)

Customer: “Voilà? I saw you take them out of the drawer!”

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Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts Would Disagree

, , , , | Right | December 20, 2010

(Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)

Tourist #1: “Where are we going?”

Tourist #2: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”


This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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