A Happy Ending Is In The Cards

| Related | December 12, 2012

(Victoria’s public transport system has upgraded to RFID cards, and I’m teaching my siblings how to use them on the way home. Note: my 9-year-old brother has a learning disability.)

Me: “Okay, kiddo, you need to hold the card on the scanner till it beeps.”

My 9-year-old Brother: *waves the card in front of the LCD screen*

Me: “No, hon. Hold it on the bottom bit until it beeps.”

My 9-year-old Brother: *puts the card on the scanner, but pulls it off before it can read*

(Suddenly, an agitated stranger behind us yells at us.)

Stranger: “Just get on the bus, you s***! Get your retard to move it!”

(Hearing this, my other brother, who is 10 years old but incredibly bright, speaks up in our defense.)

My 10-year-old Brother: “Hey, mister, he won’t learn if he doesn’t do it for himself. So, how about you shut up and pick on someone your own size?”

My 9-year-old Brother: *scans his card perfectly* “Hey! I did it!” *to the stranger* “Stuff you, old man!”

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Same Train, Different Tracks

| Romantic | November 9, 2012

(Sitting on a train, I overhear the couple behind me arguing. He wants them to get back together, while she doesn’t. As the argument continues she gets more and more upset. The train approaches a stop and she gets up to leave.)

Boyfriend: “I just can’t understand why you wouldn’t want us to get back together!”

Girlfriend: *almost in tears* “Because you cheated on me!”

(She walks along the train to leave.)

Boyfriend: “No, I didn’t! I never cheated on you! I was dating someone else and cheated on them by getting with you!”

(He stands up, points his finger at her, and shouts.)


Everyone on the train: *confused looks*

Boyfriend: *sits back down, embarrassed*

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Interrupting The Girl, Interrupted

| Romantic | October 11, 2012

(My friend and I are 25 years old. Two teenage boys are trying to get the attention of a girl a bit younger than them. They are a bit aggressive, and do not appear very friendly.)

Boy 1: “Hey!”

Boy 2: “Yo!”

Girl: *tries to ignore them*

Boy 1: “Hey, you’re hot!”

Boy 2: “You’re listening? We think you’re hot!”

Girl: *turns away slightly, visibly scared*

Boy 1: “Yo! You could answer!”

Boy 2: “What’s your problem? You don’t like us?”

(My friend and I exchange a meaningful glance. We stand up, get behind the kids, and smack them on their heads. They turn around. We’re over a head taller than each of them.)

Boy 2: *to my friend and me* “What the h***!?”

My Friend: “She’s not interested.”

Both Boys: *walk away*

Girls: *smiles, relaxes and sheds a tear*

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A Tale Of Two Sitters

| Right | September 10, 2012

(I’m on the Metro (subway) during rush hour. Arriving at a station, I see a little girl with a bandaged leg and a crutch getting in the car with her mother. Since there are no seats available, she stays up. A few seconds later, a young man dressed like a thug on a seat behind them calls to the mother.)

Young Man: “Ma’am, take my seat for your child.”

Mother: “Oh, thank you.”

(As soon as the young man gets up, however, a middle-aged lady in a business suit jumps into his seat without saying a word.)

Young Man: “Ma’am, I gave my seat to the little girl, not to you.”

Middle-aged Lady: “You should’ve said so.”

Young Man: “You were right in front of me and clearly heard me. Besides, it’s obvious this girl needs a seat more than you.”

Middle-aged Lady: *angrily* “What’s your point?!”

Young Man: “My point is that you’re rude and impolite.”

Middle-aged Lady: “Who the f*** do you think you are to talk to me like that?! Do you know WHO I am?!”

Young Man: “I think I am someone much more polite and well-educated than you. And to who you are, I frankly don’t care.”

Middle-aged Lady: “YOU LITTLE F***! My husband owns [some big company]! I’m infinitely much richer and more powerful than you!”

Young Man: *grinning* “So, powerful and rich you take the metro to go home?”

(Stunned, the middle-aged lady looks like she’s been struck by lightning. She sheepishly leaves the car at the next station. The young man then turns to the girl and her mother, who are literally speechless.)

Young Man: *to the mother* “Sorry for that. There’s your seat!”

(The whole car cheered and applauded him. Whoever you are, Metro gentleman, you have my thumbs up!)

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Not Ever Working, Part 5

| Working | August 31, 2012

(During rush hour, part of the subway line has unexpectedly closed down, forcing me to board a shuttle bus at an unfamiliar station. I ask an employee for help.)

Me: “Excuse me, which platform is the shuttle bus boarding on?”

Employee: “Follow the crowd.”

Me: “Sir, it’s rush hour. There are people going in every direction.”

Employee: “Not my problem.”

Me: “Can you please tell me where I board the bus?”

Employee: “No!”


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