Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts Would Disagree

, , , , | Right | December 20, 2010

(Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)

Tourist #1: “Where are we going?”

Tourist #2: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”

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Why Bus Drivers Should Rule The World

, , | Right | July 14, 2010

(I am in the middle of a long bus ride. A woman is talking extremely loudly on her cell phone. Several other commuters have already moved away from her.)

Driver: “Ma’am. I have to ask you to quiet down. You are disturbing other passengers.”

Woman: “Ugh.”

(She lowers her voice for about three minutes, then begins yelling again.)

Driver: “Ma’am, I told you once already. If I can hear it, it’s too loud. If you don’t take it down a notch you’re getting off at the next stop.”

Woman: *glares* “I am trying to have a private conversation! Will you give me a minute?”

(At this point, a man who had moved away silently stands up, removes the big “Be A Considerate Commuter” sign from the overhead rack, and sits pointedly across from her with it.)

Woman: “Hold on, Lita. Some a** is trying to get my attention.” *covers phone* “If you don’t like it, you can get off the bus! Stop eavesdropping on me!”

Man: “Well, ma’am, at this point, I think you could talk a little louder and dispense with the phone entirely.”

Woman: *flustered and angry* “Whatever! Okay, I’m back, Lita. So, anyway…”

(I hope the next stop was hers, because that’s where the driver left her.)

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Shogun The Way To Go Home

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2010

(I work at the local train station. Having spent half my life living in Los Angeles, and the other living in Tokyo, I speak both English and Japanese. The other station masters tend to bring tourists to me, since their English isn’t as good as mine. A tourist approaches me and speaks loudly, slowly, and with very large hand gestures)

Tourist: “I’m trying to get to [Station]! Can you help me?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I actually grew up in Los Angeles, so I can speak English.”

Tourist: *still speaking in the same way* “No, I’m not from Los Angeles! I’m trying to get to [Station]!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I just meant that I spent a lot of time in Los Angeles.”

Tourist: “No! Not Los Angeles! [Station]!”

(The woman’s husband, hearing his wife shouting, joins us.)

Tourist’s Husband: *to his wife* “What’s going on?”

Tourist: “This dumb guy keeps asking if we’re from Los Angeles!”

Tourist’s Husband: “Why would he think that?”

Tourist: “I don’t know!”

Tourist’s Husband: *to me, speaking clearly, but not extremely slowly* “We’re trying to get to [Station].”

(I provide directions to the station.)

Tourist’s Husband: “You speak English very well!”

Me: “Thank you, sir. As I tried to explain to your wife, I grew up in Los Angeles, so I speak English.”

Tourist’s Husband: *sighs* “I’m sorry you had to put up with her. Thanks for the directions.”

(As they are walking away, I hear the woman proudly tell her husband, “I told you those Japanese lessons we took would pay off!”)

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They’ll Never Survive Welsh

, , , , , | Right | May 27, 2010

(A tourist is in line to get a ticket.)

Tourist: “Can I have a ticket to Loogahgbaroogah?”

Me: “Sorry, where?”

Tourist: “Loogahbaroogah.”

Me: Sir, there is no rail station in the UK called Loogahbaroogah.”

Tourist: “But…”

Me: “Did you mean Loughbrough?” (It’s pronounced ‘Luffbruh’)

(The tourist gets his ticket and walks off, followed by the next customer in line.)

Next Customer: “It’s a good job he didn’t want my ticket. Return to Llanelli, please.”

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From The Mouth Of Babes

, , , , , , , , | Related Right | February 15, 2010

(While driving a bus, I overhear this conversation between a mother and her child, right after a police car has driven by with lights and siren blaring.)

Child: “Mum, is that police car coming for us?”

Mother: “No, why?”

Child: “Because you told the bus driver I’m three and I’m really four.”

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