It Just Got Real

| Related | August 4, 2012

(Several months ago, the railway was doing some construction work under one of its bridges. For pedestrians, they had built a plywood tunnel to protect them from any construction debris. The work is now finished, and my family and I are walking on the way to town.)

Daughter: “Why did they delete that tunnel?”

Husband: “That’s because they finished the work they were doing over there, so the tunnel is no longer needed.”

(My husband sees me nearly barrelling over with laughter.)

Husband: “And yes, she did use the word ‘delete’ for a real world situation. And it’s awesome!”

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Lacking A Decent Purse-onality

| Romantic | July 24, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are waiting at the train station to go home after celebrating our one-year anniversary. It’s at night and there’s some shady people around.)

Me: “Hey babe, if someone grabbed my purse what would you do?”

Boyfriend: “Watch him run.”

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That’s What You Get For Choo-Choo-ing Me Out

| Right | July 10, 2012

(I work as a maintenance man for the top railway maintenance company in the UK. I’m maintaining buttons on the station platforms—important buttons that station staff use to let the signalman know the train is boarded and ready to leave. I must also add that to test these buttons, we need a train to be present.)

Customer: “Excuse me lad, can you tell me when the next train to Euston is, please?”

Me: *looking up at information boards* “I can see that it is due any minute now. Should you need any more help, you can just refer to the digital screens above you.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me!”

Me: “E-Excuse me?”

Customer: “I checked on my phone half hour ago, and it said the train was due at 22 minutes past. It is now half past.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Usually, the station staff can tell you why the delay has been caused, but I can tell from the screen…” *points* “…that it is expected in a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you any more, as I’m just here to make the trains safe to run.”

Customer: “F***ing typical! Won’t help no c***!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You railwaymen are all the f***ing same! Whenever I see you ‘working,’ you are just standing about!”

Me: “I assure you, sir, we work very hard, but currently we are waiting for a train so we can test the station’s communication with the signalman. Without a train, the button panel won’t communicate with him.”

Customer: “Bull****!”

Me: “Well, I—”

Customer: “Whenever I pass you guys on the train, you are always standing at the side of the track, doing nothing! No wonder train fares increased because YOU b******s are leeching the system!”

Me: “Are you talking about when the train is moving and you see men like us on the track?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, if we were maintaining things on the track…how are we meant to do that if a train is driving over it?”

Customer: *turns red*

(He runs off, mumbling, before catching a station attendant and ripping into him as well…and missing his train in the process.)

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He’s Trying To Be Sweet, Knock On Wood

| Romantic | February 9, 2012

Me: “So, people with brown eyes aren’t really supposed to wear brown eye shadow, but it actually looks good on me.”

Fiancé: “Your eyes are really brown. They remind me of a sturdy oak cabinet. There’s a little mahogany, but they mostly look like a good oak cabinet.”

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Losing Train-Track Of Time

| Related | January 5, 2012

(I have just missed the last train of the night home. This is because my mum hadn’t got back to the station on time, despite us arranging to meet there over half an hour before the train was due.)

Me: “Mum, we arranged to meet over half an hour ago. Where have you been?”

Mum: “I work to a timetable five days a week. I don’t run to one on weekends, too!”

Me: “No, mum. But the trains still do!”

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