[Coworker] thinks he’s so clever. Every time his boss leaves the office, he sneaks to the bathroom stall, sometimes for hours on end. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he does it regardless of what else he should be doing. He isn’t around for so many meetings, reports needed, or just answers to questions.

A few of us have complained, but [Coworker] is an office junior, deemed “harmless” and (from his boss’s point of view) a “decent enough” worker, despite him annoying everyone else and giving them more work.

One day, our systems go down, so we have nothing to do. But still, [Coworker] is badgering his boss about if he will be off-site again this afternoon. He always does this before he hides away, but this time I have an idea.

I get a few people roped in and speak to the cleaning team, who are more than happy to get even. Like clockwork, [Coworker]’s boss disappears, and not five minutes later, [Coworker] grabs his phone and headphones and goes to the toilet.

Unfortunately, they just so happen to be being cleaned and closed, so he goes downstairs. 

But oh, no, all the cubicles are full, so he goes to the other toilets, but again, they’re being cleaned. How odd.

This is where he surprises all of us. He disappears and is last seen going into the building area next door and into their portaloo, much to the annoyance of the builders shouting at him.

A good hour later, I grab something from my car. A bunch of builders are all standing around facing the portaloo.

Me: “Is he still in there?”

Builder: “You know that guy?”

Me: “Yeah, he would rather sit in the toilets than do actual work.”

Builder: “You need to get him out of there. Our guys have had to walk down the road.”

Me: “Well, you can use our toilets if you do me a favour.”

As asked, they placed their digger in front of the door. [Coworker] didn’t notice until five minutes before clocking-off time. He had to ring his boss, who then rang reception to let him out.

I don’t know if he got into any trouble, but he stopped hiding in the toilets after that.

Our water main breaks badly enough to where they have to actually dig out the section of pipe that’s broken and replace it, so that means we have no running water in the store at all. The deli and sandwich shop in the store have to be shut down, and management allows us to carry around water bottles to keep hydrated since the water fountains are out, and they provide us with bottled water in the break room.

I am leaving the front checkout area after helping on the registers and heading back to my department when an older lady approaches me, pointing to the bathrooms.

Customer: “Why are the bathrooms taped off?”

Me: “Oh! Hello! I’m sorry, our water main broke, so we have no running water at the moment, so all of the bathrooms are closed right now.”

She points to my water bottle.

Customer: “If y’all don’t have running water, where did that come from?!”

Me: “Oh, I apologize for the confusion. Management provided us bottled waters back in the break room since the fountains are out.”

Customer: “So, does that mean the bathrooms in the back are working?”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. The whole store has no water at all. But—”

Customer: “No water? At all?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why isn’t the water working?!”

Me: “The water main broke.”

Customer: “Well, when will it be fixed?!”

Me: *Getting uncomfortable* “Ah, probably at the end of the week. They had to order new parts and break through the concrete and dig the pipes up.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I gotta go! Can you open the bathrooms up for me?”

Me: “I can’t; we have no water.”

Customer: *Screaming now* “YOU WON’T LET ME USE THE BATHROOM!”

Me: “I’m sorry, our water main is broken! Try going over to [Fast Food Chain]; their bathrooms are open. We aren’t on the same water lines as them, so—”

Customer: “I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW!”

At this point, one of the managers up front mercifully helped me out and politely but firmly told the woman to stop yelling at me for something that I couldn’t control and to either go to one of the other shops nearby or go home. The woman huffed and stomped off, and I thanked my manager for the save and rushed back to my department to finish stocking the cart of merchandise I was working on.

About thirty minutes later, I was called up front to help again with a sudden rush of customers. I was passing the seasonal merchandise at the front of the store when I got a whiff of something absolutely foul. It was like a dirty diaper, which I have found on other occasions, but this was so intense I gagged. I peeked into the aisle, and sure enough, smack in the middle of the aisle was a huge pile of poo.

I flagged down a manager and stopped customers from coming into the entire seasonal area. We had to quarantine the area, disassemble the shelves, and thoroughly scrub down EVERYTHING with bleach.

While the mess was being cleaned, since I was the one who found it, the asset protection guy had to take me to the back to take down my statement of the incident and to see if I may have seen who did it.

We rolled back through the camera footage and found the culprit. I watched in abject horror as the woman I had spoken with earlier stomped into that aisle, dropped her pants, and proceeded to take an angry poop IN BROAD DAYLIGHT at the front of a busy retail store!

Best of all, she was still in the store, shopping! She was immediately detained and arrested for indecent exposure and reckless behavior. She was fined several thousand dollars and received a lifetime ban from this retail establishment because she couldn’t be bothered to walk five minutes to a nearby shop to use the bathroom.

Related:
H2-Woah, Part 7
H2-Woah, Part 6
H2-Woah, Part 5
H2-Woah, Part 4
H2-Woah, Part 3

A customer approaches me, clearly upset.

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I want to complain about the dangerous state of your customer toilet! It was pitch black in there, and there was water on the floor! You put me in a dangerous situation!”

Yes, it was pitch black in there and there was water on the floor. To find this out, she had to push past the chair with the “Out Of Order” sign that had been pushed against the door, open the door with the second “Out Of Order” sign, and walk through the restroom area with the baby change table, etc., where the lights were off, to use the pitch-black toilet room.

But it was our fault that she had been put in a dangerous situation.

I’m just about to go into the men’s room when a woman pushes in front of me.

Me: “Err, excuse me.”

Woman: “Oh, you don’t mind, do you?”

Me: “I do, actually. Use the ladies’.”

Woman: “It’s closed for cleaning, so I’ll use this one.”

Me: “You won’t. There’s another downstairs and another upstairs and one right down the hall.”

Woman: “What are you complaining about? If anything, I should be the one that doesn’t want to use the men’s bathroom. Don’t worry, I won’t sneak a peek.”

Me: “Okay, now you’re being creepy. Use the women’s bathroom.”

Woman: “I can’t believe you’re being so difficult! Fine. I’ll use the other one, if it’s so d*** important to you.”

She scuttled off angrily.

Later, when my manager tried to chew me out, I explained what had actually happened, thinking the woman had lied about it, but my manager backed her up. I had to talk to her boss, who agreed with me outright and brought my manager and the other woman into a disciplinary meeting.

There was a very clearly-worded email explaining that anyone trying to force their way into a bathroom they didn’t belong in would be fired.

Thankfully, it didn’t happen again.

My family’s rescue ranch is a very big attraction in the area, acting as a pseudo-theme park of sorts. We have just opened up after a three-week transition from our Halloween attraction to our Winter attraction, which boasts carnival rides, meet and greets with the jolly man himself, holiday shopping, a craft market, etc.

Usually, I am in charge of the carnival area, which is called the “Winter Wonderland”. This night, however, just happens to be my father’s birthday, and my brother and I have taken over for our parents while they enjoy a night off together.

I am dealing with a flooding issue in our “Main Street” area when I hear security calling for my brother or me to head to the pathway between the illuminated forest attraction and the carnival attraction. My brother responds that he will go, as I am dealing with flood issues and will be busy for a while.

All is well and quiet until I hear this over the radio.

Brother: “Attention team members working the Illuminated Trail and Winter Wonderland: be advised that we have a ‘Cousin Eddie’ at the rest area.”

Perplexed and finished with the flood issue, I hop on my ATV and head up to the rest area in question. It takes me some time, but when I get there, I see my brother hanging an “Out Of Order” sign on the washrooms.

Me: “Hey, [Brother], what exactly is going on?” *Leans in* “What the heck is a ‘Cousin Eddie’?”

Brother: “Well, when you think of Cousin Eddie, from that Christmas movie, what do you think?”

I blink before my eyes go wide.

Me: “No.”

Brother: “Yes.”

I still have no clue why, but I unlock the door and take a peek. It is the stench that hits me first — I still smell it now — before the sight makes my eyes water. Out of the three toilet stalls, two of them have been covered in feces. It is everywhere — toilet, wall, door, everywhere. The sinks are covered in poopy handprints, and that is all I see before I shut the door and lock it. I turn to my brother.

Me: “How about we just burn it down?”

Brother: “Mom and Dad will never know what a s***ty situation we got ourselves in tonight.”