I used to run a very local-oriented pub and restaurant. There was a large contingency of parents who would come in on the weekend and get boozed and let their kids run amok.

Once, an eight-year-old kid dropped his pants and started the helicopter for all the guests as they were entering the bar. His parents were complete a**holes who were drunk as f*** on EXPENSIVE champagne. So, I walked into the beer garden and shouted:

Me: “Why is your disgusting little kid swinging his d*** around out the front?!”

They got up and left promptly… and I got the rest of the champagne!

About three months later, I saw the dad in the bar. I eyeballed him, and he sheepishly apologised.

Me: “Whatever, mate. You have to live with him. Just don’t subject our other guests to that kind of behaviour.”

I work for a very busy British pub chain in a tourist area. It’s a busy afternoon during peak summer. The queue is out the door, we have no inside tables, the whole order screen is red, and we’re understaffed.

A man gets to the front of the queue and storms toward me.

Man: “I’ve been queuing for fifteen minutes! How ridiculous!”

Me: “So sorry for the wait, sir. What can I get you today?”

Man: “A pint and some strawberry ice cream.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but we don’t sell strawberry ice cream. Only vanilla.”

Man: “Not acceptable!”

Me: “Well, sir, there is an award-winning ice cream shop literally less than a minute’s walk from here. I can tell you it’s really good and much better than ours.”

Man: “No way. It’ll be more expensive. My kid specifically wants strawberry ice cream from this pub.”

Me: “Actually, because they specialise in ice cream, it’s cheaper and much nicer than the generic vanilla we have here.”

Man: “I WANT A PINT, TOO!”

Me: “Okay, well, if you go and buy the ice cream and then bring it back here, I can give you a pint in a plastic cup, and you can sit outside. It’s a lovely day, too!”

The man is starting to shake with anger.

Man: “No! Unacceptable! I want you to get me strawberry ice cream from the freezer you have here, and I want you to do it now.”

Me: “Ummm, as I’ve explained, not going to happen.”

The man turns to his child, who has been silent the whole time.

Man: “RIGHT! THAT IS IT! NO ICE CREAM FOR YOU, [CHILD], AND YOU CAN BLAME THIS SELFISH WOMAN!”

The kid looked even more confused than I felt. They left, and I never saw them again.

Our somewhat diverse friendship group is disagreeing with a friend’s opinion on something.

Friend: “Ugh! I can’t believe you all think that! You all have room-temperature IQ!”

American Friend: “Loses some punch in US territories.”

Other Friend: “I mean, it still means you have an IQ of like, sixty-eight?”

Scientist Friend: “I’m just over here laughing in Kelvin.”

I am in a pub that has a pub quiz coming up in a few days. A woman is signing up her team and is on the phone to a friend.

Woman: “Okay, so that’s you, me, and [Friend]. Ideally, we need four people.”

Pause.

Woman: “Hmm… No, someone other than your brother.”

Pause.

Woman: “No, hun, I love your brother, it’s just… You could give him a penny for his thoughts, and he’d give you back change.”

I work in a pub that has a really cool decked beer garden that overlooks a dense natural forest area – it’s beautiful.

Customer: “I just saw a mouse run under the deck!”

Me: “Yes, they are common in the area.”

Customer: “What are you going to do about it?!”

Me: “Where did you see it? The beer garden?”

Customer: “Yes! I told you already!”

Me: “And where’s the beer garden?”

Customer: “Outside.”

Me: “And where do mice live?”

Customer: “…I see what you’re doing, but it’s not just outside; it’s a beer garden which is part of the pub! It shouldn’t have things from outside in it!”

Me: “Why did you sit outside if you don’t like things from outside?”

Customer: “It’s a sunny day!”

Me: “The sun is also outside.”

Customer: “Now you’re just making excuses for the mouse!”

Related:
Customer Versus Mother Nature, Part 2
Customer Versus Mother Nature