Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum

, | Right | March 18, 2011

Caller: “It’s too cold in my room. Can you turn the air off?”

Me: “Turn it off?”

Caller: “It’s just freezing.”

Me: “The outside temperature is 15 degrees. If we turn the air off, it will bring your office temperature closer to 15 degrees.”

Caller: “Don’t do that. Just turn it off. I’d rather it be nothing than this cold!”

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Lack Of Heir Conditioning

| Right | July 8, 2010

Tenant: “The heat in my home hasn’t worked all winter! Do you know how much my children have suffered?”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t fix the problem if we don’t know about it. Why didn’t you call earlier?”

Tenant: “I’ve already had my uncle look at the heater. It’s not fixable, and you owe me $60 for having him confirm that.”

Me: “By law, we have to supply you with heat. We would have replaced your heater and given you wood to burn while doing so.”

Tenant: “That’s okay. I’m burning the fence.”

Me: “The privacy fence?”

Tenant: “Yes! My babies need to be warm.”

Me: “That’s treated wood.”

Tenant: “My babies need to be warm!”

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Your Logic Is See-Through

| Right | April 9, 2010

Caller: “Can you have someone clean the water fountain filter? The water comes out dirty.”

Me: “Are you sure it’s dirty? Or is it just cloudy? Sometimes we just get air bubbles in the filtration and it looks cloudy.”

Caller: “No. I put it in a glass and it comes out filthy.”

Me: “If you set the glass down for a few minutes–”

Caller: “Yeah, it clears up.”

Me: “Well then, those are tiny air bubbles. As long as it clears up, that’s just-”

Caller: “No, but it comes out of the water fountain dirty. People drink from there.”

Me: “What if you put it into a glass, and leave it for a few minutes?”

Caller: “Right! Its clean then! The glass cleans it!”

Me: “Actually, I don’t think it’s the glass.”

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Enough To Make Your Water Boil

| Right | March 4, 2010

(I’m an on-site manager for an apartment complex. There is knocking on the door at 2 am.)

Me: *answering the door in my pajamas* “What’s going on, Miss [Tenant]? Is there an emergency?”

Tenant: “You need to come quickly! There is water dripping everywhere!”

Me: “Did you call the emergency pager?”

Tenant: “No! I couldn’t remember the number and you were closer! You have to come!”

(When I get to her apartment, I don’t see any water on the floor in the kitchen or bathroom.)

Me: “Ma’am, where is the leak? I’m not seeing one.”

Tenant: “The sink! There is water dripping all over!”

(I walk over and see the faucet dripping a tiny bit.)

Me: “Is this what you were talking about?”

Tenant: “Yes!”

Me: “You got me out of bed for your faucet dripping a tiny bit? Did you try twisting the knobs more?”

Tenant: “I couldn’t get it to stop and it was keeping me awake!”

(Turns the knob easily, stopping the drip.)

Me: “This not considered an emergency. This could have easily waited until at least the morning, if not Monday, when the office is open.”

Tenant: “Well, if I couldn’t get any sleep, you shouldn’t either!”

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Dripocalypse Now

, , , | Right | October 5, 2009

(I work at a commercial property development/management company. I get this call from a new tenant’s office.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company].”

Tenant: “This is going to sound crazy, but I think Armageddon might have just started in the break room.”

Me: “Okay, why do you say that?”

Tenant: “I turned on the tap, and blood came out of the faucet. So, it’s either the end of the world, or turkey blood.”

Me: “Turkey blood?”

Tenant: “We just washed out a turkey in the sink; maybe the blood got sucked back into the pipes. I don’t think we should drink the water.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s pretty alarming. I’ve never heard of that happening, but I will get you a plumber out there ASAP.”

Tenant: “Great, thanks. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I swear, blood came out!”

Me: “I will take care of this, don’t worry.”

(I hang up and call a plumber. While I’m waiting for the plumber to call back with a time, the tenant phones every ten minutes and is getting increasingly hysterical. I finally get a time for the plumber and call the tenant.)

Me: “A plumber should be out there within the hour.”

Tenant: “Oh. Well. Um.”

Me: “Yes?”

Tenant: “False alarm… It wasn’t Armageddon; it was Crystal Light. The powder was stuck on the tap! Everybody here’s laughing! This is only my second day of this job. I’m never going to live this down!”

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