(I work in a jail. After some scouring, the Chaplain and I have managed to get together enough gently-used books to update the jail library, including a few movie novelizations. One of these new books, “A Dog’s Purpose,” is picked up by a hardened gang member and career criminal. Later that night, the officers are doing a check in the dorms and find the man curled up on his bunk, crying his eyes out.)

Officer #1: “Hey, you all right?”

Inmate: “I’m all right, CO. I miss my dog.”

Officer #2: “Excuse me?”

Inmate: “My dog, Taco, she’s a little mix breed. My Mama is watching her. God, I miss her.”

Officer #1: “Well, you’re going to court next week, right? Any chance you’ll get out then?”

Inmate: “Yeah, my lawyer said I might get three years probation.”

(Last I heard, the guy did get probation and managed to turn his life around. Seems like everyone who read the book made a change of heart.)

(I work at the local courthouse. Everyone has to go through security before going inside. Seeing as my town has two state prisons, many citizens are jailbirds! A man deposits his gear into the pan then bolts through the metal detector. The machine starts beeping.)

Security Guard: “Oh? Let me-”

(The man is instantly defensive — red faced and loudly sighing.)

Man: “Yeah, yeah, I know how it goes.” *facing the concrete wall, he spreads his arms and legs, then bends over* “Search me.”

Security Guard: “No, sir” *chuckles* “You don’t have to bend over, not unless we meet under different circumstances.”

(The man remains bent over.)

Man’s Girlfriend: “[Man]! STAND THE F*** UP!”

(Just a normal day going through security…)

(I work as a correctional officer. Last night, a sink in one of the blocks was clogged, so maintenance had to fix it.)

Maintenance Guy: “Got it cleared; it was a bar of soap.”

Me: *to the two inmates in the block* “Don’t drop the soap!”

(I had just gotten off third shift at six in the morning so I was asleep until almost noon. When I do get up I see my shift supervisor left me an urgent voicemail to call her back.)

Me: “[Supervisor], is everything okay?”

Supervisor: “Did you get any calls from work after you left?”

Me: “No.”

Supervisor: *sighs* “Oh good, because I had a missed call from [Boss] and thought you had screwed something up last night and didn’t call me.”

Me: *speechless* “No one came in, and nothing happened last night. It was quiet. And we had everything ready for [Inmates] who were going to prison today.”

Supervisor: *suddenly very chipper* “Okay, well, I guess she just needed someone to come in.” *hangs up*

Me: “…Well, thanks for trusting me!”

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

(I’m working the overnight shift in the main control room at the jail. After 11 pm, the lobby is locked, and anyone who wants to come in has to push a button that rings into the control room. I get an alert for that button.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Drunk Guy: “My friend was arrested earlier tonight! You’re holding him against his will!”

(I look at my sergeant, who is sitting in the control room with me.)

Me: “We’re holding 650 people against their will. 680 if you count the officers, because let’s face it, none of us want to be here either.”

(My sergeant laughed but suggested I not mention that to the drunk guy outside.)