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Jumping To Convictions

| Working | February 15, 2016

(I had just gotten off third shift at six in the morning so I was asleep until almost noon. When I do get up I see my shift supervisor left me an urgent voicemail to call her back.)

Me: “[Supervisor], is everything okay?”

Supervisor: “Did you get any calls from work after you left?”

Me: “No.”

Supervisor: *sighs* “Oh good, because I had a missed call from [Boss] and thought you had screwed something up last night and didn’t call me.”

Me: *speechless* “No one came in, and nothing happened last night. It was quiet. And we had everything ready for [Inmates] who were going to prison today.”

Supervisor: *suddenly very chipper* “Okay, well, I guess she just needed someone to come in.” *hangs up*

Me: “…Well, thanks for trusting me!”

 

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

Doesn’t Quite Get How Jail Works

| Working | August 21, 2015

(I’m working the overnight shift in the main control room at the jail. After 11 pm, the lobby is locked, and anyone who wants to come in has to push a button that rings into the control room. I get an alert for that button.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Drunk Guy: “My friend was arrested earlier tonight! You’re holding him against his will!”

(I look at my sergeant, who is sitting in the control room with me.)

Me: “We’re holding 650 people against their will. 680 if you count the officers, because let’s face it, none of us want to be here either.”

(My sergeant laughed but suggested I not mention that to the drunk guy outside.)

Try To Restrain That Humor

| Working | December 9, 2014

(I recently started working as a correctional officer and I am still getting everything for my utility belt. Because of that, I am carrying my spare handcuffs in my purse. It was the end of shift and I was looking for my keys.)

Me: *after digging through my purse* “Is it weird I have handcuffs in my purse?”

Coworker: “No… You’ll make some man very happy someday, [My Name].”

Going On A Duck Tale

| Right | September 10, 2014

(My office phone rings and I answer it. The voice on the other line sounds like it belongs to an elderly gentleman who may be hard of hearing.)

Me: “Hello, [Prison]. This is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi. Yes, this is [Caller] from [Small, Rural Town] and I need a duck license.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir?”

Caller: “I need a duck license. I know I can get one on the Internet, but the Internet is not good out here in [Small, Rural Town].”

Me: “Sir, I think you got the wrong number.”

Caller: “We have so many ducks out here. I need a duck license. I know I can get them on the Internet, but I can’t use the Internet so I need you to help me with a duck license.”

Me: “Sir, you have called the wrong number. This is the penitentiary.”

Caller: “You see there are so many ducks around here. So I need your help with a license…”

Me: “Sir, you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “… and I need it because there are so many ducks and I need a license to shoot them…”

Me: “Sir? I think you wanted fish and game.”

Caller: “… but I can’t get on the Internet, so I need you to give me a license.”

Me: “Sir, you have the wrong number. This is the penitentiary.”

Caller: “The what? Who did I call?”

Me: “You called the prison, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, you can’t help me at all then…”

Me: “Let me get you the number to fish and game.”

(He was very nice and appreciative, and his wrong number made my day!)