(An older gentleman wants to have an old photograph copied, and he also asks a few questions about how the picture could be edited. Everything is fine, until…)

Customer: “We took this picture back in 1968. There’s my brother, my sister, my uncle… but the photographer accidentally left my grandmother out of the picture.”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s unfortunate.”

Customer: “Yes, so, could you add her in it?”

Me: “Sorry? You mean, could I edit her into the picture? From another photograph?”

Customer: “No, no, I mean, widen the original picture from the side so she can be seen.”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure I follow.”

Customer: “She’s standing right there, but the photographer accidentally left her out. I’d like for you to make her visible.”

Me: *long pause* “Sir, I am very sorry, but that is simply not possible.”

(He did seem to get it after a lengthy explanation. On the plus side, since his request wasn’t possible, he later brought a picture of his grandmother to the shop, and we edited the colours, etc., and made a big print, and the customer was very happy.)

(My boss’s daughter sometimes comes in to chat. She is into fashion and works at a jewelry store, while I’m more technical and interested in science.)

Boss’s Daughter: “So, you’ll like this because it’s all science-y. I went to a specialist to find out if I have any allergies or intolerances to food, because sometimes I just don’t feel great after eating something.”

Me: “Really? I’ve got some seasonal allergies and I’ve been meaning to get a skin test done to figure out exactly what’s going on.”

Boss’s Daughter: “I’ll give you the contact info. But the way they figured it out was way cooler than a skin test. So, they ask you to wear loose clothing so that they can access a patch of skin on your shoulder, and they blindfold you. She’ll put a piece of fruit or vegetable against your shoulder and ask you to make an ‘okay’ symbol with your hand. While the piece of produce is on your skin, she’ll try to break the circle you make with your fingers. If she can, it means that you have a sensitivity.”

Me: “That… isn’t really scientific at all.”

Boss’s Daughter: “I don’t know, it sounds like they have a whole method and all that.”

Me: “That would be the scientific method, and no, it isn’t.”

(I’m working at a small print shop. We work with small businesses; as such, we offer lines of credit to qualified customers. I am at the counter with a new customer who has yet to pay for the first job we did for them over two months ago.)

Customer: “Hi there. I need to get this brochure printed and pick it up tomorrow.”

Me: “Sure, no problem, but I’m afraid this order will be cash-on-delivery.”

Customer: “But we have an account with you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it is policy. Your account is past due by over 60 days, which means you are on credit hold. We will still run your job, but you will need to pay for it when you pick it up.”

Customer: “That is ridiculous! How am I supposed to get a check cut by tomorrow? Our accounting department only cuts checks once a month!”

Me: “We do accept all major credit cards.”

Customer: “Well, I’m certainly not going to put business expenses on my personal credit card. This is just stupid. I’m never doing business with your company again!”

Me: “Well, sir, being as you have never paid us a red cent, technically we have never done business in the first place.”

(The customer stormed out and we never saw him again. The outstanding invoice eventually got paid, albeit six months later. Good riddance!)

(I work in a print shop.)

Client: “I need some envelopes printed; [Other Place] said you do that.”

Me: “That’s right. Do you have a layout?”

Client: “Yeah, like this.” *hands over a USB stick with a PDF*

Me: “Okay, we can do this, except we can’t print that line all the way to the edge; it’ll be cut short a few millimeters from the edge.”

Client: “But I want that line to the edge!”

Me: “Then you’ll have to visit [Other Place], since they can print offset.”

Client: “But they were so much more expensive; I want to buy from you guys.”

Me: “Then you won’t get the line all the way from edge to edge.”

Client: “But I want the line out to the edges!”

Me: “And we can’t do that. For that, you need offset printing.”

Client: “But that’s more expensive!”

Me: “Yes, it is. And we’re cheaper, because we can’t do that.”

Client: “But I want you to!”

Me: “I’d like that, too, but I’d need three years of education and a serious hardware investment for that to happen. I’m afraid neither of us will be satisfied here today.”

Client: “How can I get the line to the edge, then?”

Me: “Go to [Other Place]. It’s why they’re more expensive.”

Client: “But I don’t want to pay that much!”

(And so on, for nearly ten minutes.)

(Our prints and copies cost $.05 for black and white and $.40 for color.)

Me: “Your total is $2.51.”

(The customer hands me $20.51, with a twenty dollar bill.)

Me: “Do you, by chance, have anything smaller?”

Customer: *with an annoyed look on his face* “No.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I give him his $18.00 change in single bills because that is all we have in the register.)

Customer: “Can you not give me a $10 bill?”

Me: “No, I can’t. Because of our prices, most people tend to pay with $1 bills.”

Customer: “Well, can I get that $20 back and pay with a $5?” *holding out a $5 bill to me*

Me: “No, because I asked you that in the first place.”