(I work in a print shop. I’m bringing a customer his order to the front counter, where another order for a different customer was left by my boss. When I get to the counter, I see that he’s manhandling a custom playing card deck, trying to keep the rubber band in place while folding over the cards to look at the back.)

Me: “Excuse me, that’s another customer’s order. Could you please not do that?!”

Customer: “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

(I gave him a look, reconsidered losing my cool with him, and swapped the cards out of his hands for his actual order. That’s when I noticed that he had the dirtiest hands I’d ever seen. I simply walked into the back and let my boss deal with the rest of the transaction. I had to reprint the other customer’s order because he had creased the cards and put oily smudges all over them.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like you to print this photo I took on holiday in Italy on glossy paper.”

Me: “Not a problem. That will be $5 and you can pick it up this afternoon.”

(The customer comes back later on.)

Customer: “NO! THAT JUST WON’T DO! IT DOESN’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THE ORIGINAL!”

Me: “I’m not following. Like what original?”

(The customer hands me an old, faded photo taken in the 80s when he was on holiday there thirty years ago.)

Me: “Well, it’s the same framing. I’m unsure of what you want.”

Customer: “It looks too new and shiny and bright!”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, there isn’t a ‘faded, bad-quality 80s photo’ button on our machine. I’m sorry. We can photoshop it for you to look old, but that will cost more.”

Customer: “I don’t have that kind of money to pay you!”

Me: “Maybe leave the photo out in the sun for a few years?”

(Yes, that’s right; the customer was complaining because our machine printed his file too well.)

(I am a production manager at a print shop, but since it is a small workplace with few employees, I also handle the front desk and walk-in customers. One day, this woman comes in looking all disheveled and holding an older cell phone. Unfortunately, this is a slow day so I have no other customers to take my attention.)

Me: “Good morning. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Could you print pictures from a cell phone?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, here’s our email address.” *holds out business card* “Just email what pictures you’d like printed and I’ll send them through.”

Customer: *flipping through phone*

Me: “…”

Customer: “You see this here?” *walks behind my desk to show me her phone* “This is a UFO.”

Me: “If you would please step back around to this side of the desk…”

Customer: “This right here. See that white spot? I was trying to take pictures of the moon, but I kept getting this UFO. Look, I’ve even got a video.” *swipes over to show me the video*

Me: “So, do you want me to print the UFO picture for you?”

Customer: *swipes* “Here’s another UFO video. Oh, and these—“ *keeps swiping* “—these are the woods behind my house. Can you see the faces in the trees?”

Me: *starting to hope for another customer, a phone call, anything* “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah, I see faces in the trees all the time. Could you print these for me? I want to make a game. Like a find-it game where people can find the faces.”

Me: “Well, we can certainly print them. If you could go ahead and email them…”

Customer: “Look at this one! I ran it through a filter so you can see the faces easier. See? Look, that’s a horse face right there.”

Me: “Wow. Yeah… So, to get these printed—“

Customer: “Oh! This is another UFO… Those pesky things are always buzzing by my house at night.” *shows me another moon picture*

Me: “…”

(This went on for about an hour before she left… without getting anything printed!)

(I work in a print shop. We hand out coupons that get you a free color photocopy on heavier-than-usual paper. For what it is the quality isn’t too bad, though, obviously, it can’t beat a proper photo print.)

Customer: *hands me a poster of some kind along with the coupon* “I got one of these coupons, and I’d like a copy of this. My own printer isn’t doing the colors right.”

Me: “All right, I’ll see what I can do.”

(I make the first copy, adjusting the colors according to my experience, so that the final product will be as close to the original as possible. Still, being a photocopy, there’s no way it can reproduce the original exactly.)

Customer: “I don’t like the way the orange looks here. Can you make it more yellow?”

Me: “Sure, I’ll try to adjust it a bit more. These things tend to be a bit tricky, but luckily, we’ve got all evening!”

(I make another copy, and then a third one, and then a fourth one, every time fixing this or that shade, all according to the wishes of the customer. Mind you, this is all for a print that she isn’t going to pay for, but I do take some pride in my work, and there aren’t other customers at the moment. Finally, we end up with two very similar prints.)

Customer: *looking between the two prints, tsking and frowning* “I don’t know. I really don’t know. They’re both still off. Can I take them with me to see which one would work best for what I need it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you take both. The coupon gets you one, not two.”

Customer: *suddenly extremely indignant* “But this quality is terrible! I could have done it better on my home printer!”

Me: “Yes, well, photocopiers usually cannot produce the same quality as most photo printers. They’re two very different things.”

Customer: “You’re a printing company; you should have better quality than this!”

(I’m getting tired. After printing her multiple proofs and trying my best to get her what she’s looking for while she is being difficult and rude, I’m starting to think it isn’t worth it, especially since she’s getting it for free.)

Me: “We do, but we can’t do anything about the quality of a photocopier. Unfortunately, it’s a photocopy, not a photo.”

Customer: *shoves the coupon in my face* “Then what good is this?!”

Me: “It’s good for people who want a photocopy. Really, it’s either take it or leave it.”

(She yelled at me about terrible customer service and threatened to call the CEO. I didn’t feel too bad, because after all, we didn’t lose any business on her.)

(I have worked in this print department for six years. No two orders are ever the same and I am constantly amazed how customers expect us to read their minds. Not to brag, but I get feedback on keeping my cool and helpfulness on a regular basis, but sometimes I wonder if I will just crack one day with customers like the following.)

Customer: *walks up to the counter*

Me: “Hi! What brings you in today?”

(This customer has sour expressions and a HUGE chip on her shoulder; I can just FEEL it in the air.)

Customer: “Well, I need help, obviously.”

Me: “Of course! What can I help you with?”

Customer: *frowns* “Our printing!”

Me: “What are you looking to get printed?”

(She rolls her eyes like my question is stupid. I am not kidding.)

Customer: “We need wedding inserts.”

Me: “Wonderful! We have helped people with that before. Do you have a design or idea already or do you need something custom made?”

Customer: *sarcastically* “ I don’t know.”

Me: “Oh, um, okay…” *tries to ask a different question to determine their needs* “ Do you have a budget you want to stay in?”

Customer: “I don’t know!”

(I have no idea how to help the customer when they just keep saying they don’t know.)

Me: “Okay… Well, is there a size you need? Some people do business card sizes or quarter sheet sizes like this?” *shows them a quarter page size*

Customer: *looks at examples and frowns at me* “I don’t know! Aren’t you supposed to be the expert?!”

Me: *still very polite* “Oh, well, then, I have no idea what you need. I can try to guess or offer what other customers have done, but that may take a while since I don’t have any details about what you want. Let me suggest doing this quarter sheet size on a medium weight paper—” *holds up the example* “—and I can type up what you need on it and provide you with a proof, and then, depending on how many you want, I can give you a price. How does that sound?”

Customer: *turns her mouth down at me* “Fine!” *shoves paper at me with hotel and direction info written in terrible writing*

Me: “Wonderful. Would you like the hotel information or directions to come first on the quarter sheet?”

Customer: *loudly* “ No! They are supposed to be two separate pieces for the insert!”

Me: “Oh, okay, no problem. Is there anything else I need to know before I type this up really quick to get you a proof?”

Customer: *again rolls her eyes at me* “I don’t know!”

Me: *just about to give up* “Okay, great. Let me get your proof for you; it will be about five minutes.”

(I quickly type up a quarter sheet for the direction info and a separate one with the hotel info, I format it nicely using a nice font. The customer is tapping her fingers loudly on the counter and sighing rudely this entire time.)

Me: “Okay, here are the proofs on the paper I recommended. What do you think?”

Customer: *frowns at the proof, and then rolls her eyes AGAIN* “ I don’t know; I guess that will work.”

Me: “Okay, how many do you need of each design?”

Customer: “I don’t know!”

Me: “Well, do you know how many invitations you have?”

Customer: “200.”

Me: “Great! So, if you want the hotel and directions to be in each invitation, then you need 200 of each. For this paper I showed you, that will be [price].”

Customer: “Whatever.”

Me: *getting REALLY FED UP at this point* “Super! ‘Whatever’ sounds great!” *still polite and cheerful*

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Well, since it looks like this is exactly what you need based on the feedback you have given me, can you just sign approval for the order? I will get it started and call you when it is done. You can also pay today to get it out of the way.” *smiles*

Customer: “What?! No, I am not sure if this will work; I want to take this proof to my family and make sure it is right. And I don’t feel like you gave me very many options!” *glares at me*

Me: “Well, ma’am, we have dozens of papers, and could do thousands of variations of custom designs, and since most of the feedback you gave me was that you didn’t know, I can only guess what you need. If you come back with more details of what you want, or maybe research what other folks do or get info from your family, then we can show you options more specific to your needs.” *the customer is frowning at me this entire time* “I will email you the file I typed up, charge you a few bucks for the typing and formatting I did, and then when you decide, you can come back in and we can finish your order. Does that sound okay?”

Customer: “I don’t know! I have never done this before! Aren’t you supposed to know how this works?!”

Me: “Yes, what I just suggested is how it works.” *as I am ringing her up for the typing charge* “I will send that email to you. Have a good day, and good luck consulting with your family on the proof” *still smiling and respectful*

Customer: “Fine!” *snatches proofs of counter and stomps off*

(This whole thing took ten times longer than it should have, and I had another associate helping other customers that were behind this idiot lady that “didn’t know” the entire time. I can only recommend so much; what did the lady expect me to do? Magically know quantity, design, price, and other details she and her family would want? Like Charlie Brown says, “GOOD GRIEF!”)