(At our preschool, parents can pick their kid up as late as 6:00 pm. Therefore, unless the parent doesn’t want them to, we have the kids lay down after lunch for an hour or so to nap. On this day, I am with the four or five non-napping kids doing a quiet activity in a different room when a parent comes. The kid is excited to leave early, and the mom looks in the lunchbox. One of the lids to a Tupperware type thing is missing.)

Mom: “[Kid], where is the lid to your apples?”

Kid: “I don’t know.”

Mom: *looks at me* “Where is it?”

Me: “Um, it might be in the room where we ate lunch.”

Mom: “Which room is that?”

Me: “Across the hall, but everyone else is in there napping at the moment.”

Mom: “But it’s in there?”

Me: “Yes. I can go look when they wake up. [Kid], do you know where you might have put the lid?”

Kid: “No.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll look in there once everyone is awake.”

Mom: “But the lid is in there?”

(She seriously looked at me like I was supposed to abandon the kids who are awake, go into that room, wake everyone else up, and find the lid right then and there. Eventually, the mom and kid left. When everyone else woke up half an hour later, I went back in and found the lid in the trash can. Guess the kid took me saying, “Clean up your mess and throw away your trash,” too seriously.)

(For an education class, I have to observe preschool children at play. I’m sitting in a closet-sized observation booth with two of my instructors, who are chatting.)

Instructor #1: “Did you see [Popular Movie] yet?”

Instructor #2: “I did! I can’t believe [Main Character] dies at the end.”

Me: “I guess there’s no reason for me to see that movie now.”

Instructor #1: “You shouldn’t have been eavesdropping.”

(At the preschool where I work, we have an employee who is so dumb, I wonder how she has lived so long. But one day really takes the cake. We are short-staffed one summer day, so the bosses put her in the kitchen for the day. It is hotter than Hades, and the kitchen tends to get even worse. I return our food cart to the kitchen and notice that the freezer door is standing wide open while my coworker is washing dishes. Figuring she pushed it but didn’t know it was open due to having her back to it, I speak up.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], the freezer door didn’t close.”

Coworker: “Oh, I know.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Uh, there’s food in there that needs to stay cold.”

Coworker: “I know, but it’s too hot in here. I can’t stand it.”

(Completely flabbergasted at her complete lack of understanding — or care — about food safety, especially for food being served to children as young as a year old, I go to my supervisor.)

Me: “Hey, [Supervisor], uh… [Coworker] is trying to cool down the kitchen by leaving the freezer door open.”

Supervisor: *laughs*

Me: “I’m not joking.”

Supervisor: *laugh falters* “Really? I gotta see this.”

(She got up and looked through the office door, which could see straight back into the kitchen. Upon seeing that I was serious, she hung her head and sighed, and then went in to remedy the situation. They never did fire her, despite repeated health and safety screw-ups, including several that were very illegal — i.e. leaving me alone with far more kids than the state limit because she felt like it. I quit shortly after that, out of fear of suffering the consequences of her idiocy.)

(I work in a science centre. We have a regular who comes in and is adamant that her kid is a genius, frequently telling us how her kid could attend the teenager-focused lectures and get more out of it than the teenagers, how she’s been teaching her friend’s kids maths, etc.; it’s just that she feels shy today and that’s why she isn’t speaking in the full sentences her mother says she can definitely do. This child is two, and while bright and attentive, she seems about on par with other two-year-olds. We’ve always wondered if the parent sincerely believes this and is a little delusional or if she’s lying for attention. We give her a wide berth as she gets upset if we treat her child like a normal two-year-old — offering her toys or colouring, speaking to her in a “patronising tone,” etc. But we overhear her talking to the other parents.)

Mother: “We came all the way here to look at the Christmas lights and they haven’t even got them on today? That’s ridiculous! Why even have them if you’re not going to switch them on?!”

Other Parent: “Well, they don’t run them during the day.”

Mother: “Well, that’s stupid. Some of us have small children. It’s not practical for us to come out at night. They should have them on during the day so we can enjoy them, too. [Child] was just devastated that the city doesn’t think she deserves to see the Christmas lights!”

([Child] is currently eating paper and chewing on texta lids and having a great time.)

Other Parent: “No, as in, they don’t have them on because you wouldn’t be able to see them during the day.”

Mother: *scoffs* “Of course we can’t see them; they’re not on.”

Other Parent: “No, because the lights wouldn’t be visible during the day. Even if they were on, you wouldn’t be able to see them, because the sun is so bright they would look like they’re off. There’s no effect during the day.”

Mother: “You’re being ridiculous; you can still turn lights on during the day. Electricity doesn’t just stop working when the sun is out.”

Other Parent: “Yes, I know that, but you wouldn’t be able to see… You know what? I think my son needs the bathroom. Excuse me.”

Mother: *to me* “God, can you even believe how stupid some people are?”

(New theory: her daughter is a genius because the bar is set very low.)

(One of my students runs up to me in the gym; he’s two and a half.)

Student: “I pooped!”

Me: “Oh? Do you mean right now in your diaper? Or did you poop in the toilet earlier?”

Student: *like I’m an idiot* “I didn’t poop in the toilet!”

Me: “Okay. Well, let’s go back to the classroom and get you changed.”

Student: “Okay!” *pause* “Can I come with you?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”