(This takes place back in 80s before I am born. My mum is saying goodbye to her boyfriend at an airport. They are passionately kissing, with my mum straddled across his lap; they can barely take their hands off each other and they are being rather public about it. Eventually, they pull themselves apart and she goes to the check-in to get on the plane. In her defence, my mum has always had a wicked sense of humour.)

Air Hostess: *while at boarding gate* “Aw, saying goodbye to a loved one?”

Mum: “Yeah, that was my brother.”

Air Hostess: *literally jumps and stares at my mum in horror*

(Mum says she hopes one day that hostess realised she was joking.)

Related:
Oh, Brother!

(My friend’s younger brother is working on getting his First Communion.)

Friend: “If you pray hard enough, the host will taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

(The brother prays and prays every day up until his big day. When he comes up to receive the Sacrament, he starts weeping.)

Teacher: “Why are you crying?”

Brother: “I didn’t pray hard enough! The host doesn’t taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

(For about a month, I have been getting calls from some random guy looking for a local car dealership. Whether I am at home, in class, at work, or out with friends, he keeps trying. My cellphone number is exactly the same as theirs apart from the last number, and this guy always dials mine. One day, he calls again. I immediately recognize the number and decide to have some fun because I am so fed up with it.)

Me: “[Car Dealership]. This is Frank. How can I help you?”

Guy: “Finally! I’ve been trying to reach you guys forever, but I kept getting some kid.”

Me: “Well, that’s unfortunate. What can I help you with?”

Guy: “I’m looking for [Car], but I’m not really sure what to get.”

Me: “Not a problem. I can talk you through our options and get you into something you like.”

Guy: “Great!”

(I proceed to go to the dealership’s website and go over every feature available. By the end of the call, I have “sold” him a car, with everything he wants, for a great price. And for the record, I NEVER take any money-related information from him.)

Me: “All right, sounds like you got a great car there.”

Guy: “Oh, my God! Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Just come on down to the dealership and ask for me, and we’ll get everything squared away.”

Guy: “Excellent! I’ll see you in about an hour. Bye!”

Me: “See ya!”

(I then immediately called my carrier and changed my number. I don’t know what happened to him, but I imagine he was quite embarrassed when he arrived.)

I was 15, working my first job in a clothes shop. A coworker and I got high before a shift. It was just after Halloween and there were a few discounted costumes left.

One was a kids’ skeleton costume. My coworker dared me to try it on. While I was in the changing room, my mum, who was an assistant manager, took my clothes and hid them.

I spent half an hour looking for them before it got really busy and I had to spend the rest of my shift in a skeleton costume that didn’t fit.

(I have just used the last tissue in my tissue box. I’m taking the empty box to the recycling bin before grabbing a new one, when I notice some computer-printed text inside the bottom of the empty box. It’s likely a production date and lot code. I tend to tease people all day, and one coworker makes it so much easier for me to do so without even trying.)

Me: “Hey, look! Wait. Is that an expiration date? Did my tissue really expire two years ago?!”

Coworker: “Really? It does? I didn’t know that! Where’s the date so I can check mine?”