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Pranksgiving

, , , , | Related | November 13, 2012

(My sister is a great cook, but very ditzy. She has just put the turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving. My mother is a great prankster.)

Mom: *to my sister* “Honey, we’re out of chicken broth. Can you run to the store and grab some more?”

Sister: “Sure, Mom.”

(She leaves.)

Mom: *opening the oven and taking the turkey out* “Open the fridge, hun.”

Me: *opening the fridge* “Why? What are you doing?”

Mom: “Just check the crisper drawer.”

Me: *pulls out a Cornish game hen* “What?”

Mom: “Here, season it.”

(I do as she says. My mother slides it inside the turkey’s cavity, and sticks it back in the oven. I start to get a sense of what she’s doing. Later, my sister is carving the turkey before the extended family.)

Sister: “Ohmigod!” *tugs out the Cornish game hen*

Mom: “You’ve cooked a pregnant turkey!”

Sister: “Ohmigod!” *bursts out sobbing*

(It took us a half-hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!)


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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | May 20, 2011

Customer: “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?”

Me: “Yes, they’re over here.”

(I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.)

Me: “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. What about this one?”

(They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-”

Customer: “Are there any werewolves?”

Me: “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.”

(The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all seventy copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.)

Impractical Jokes

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2011

Me: “911, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [Location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, a police–”

Caller: “What?!”

(Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

Caller: *to someone else* “You f***! You scared the s*** out of me! A prank?! I called the d*** police! I could have gone to jail!” *to me* “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

Me: “Um, all right.”

Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”


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(Dead) Wrong Number

, , , , , | Right | February 21, 2011

(We have received dry cleaning, so I call a guest to let him know he can pick it up.)

Guest: “Steven’s Mortuary: You stab ’em, we slab ’em.”

Me: “Oh… hello. This is the front desk. I was just calling to let you know your dry cleaning is here.”

Guest: “Oh! Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

Me: “That’s okay, sir. That was the most interesting call I’ve had all day.”


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Caller I-D’oh

, , , , , | Right | January 13, 2011

(I am calling customers to remind them to pick up their ready orders.)

Girl: “Ooh… Mmm… Ahh…”

(A fumbling sound can be heard as more moaning and gasping.)

Me: “Ah. Yes, this is [My Name] calling from [Opticians] and I just wanted to speak with [Client]; however, if this is a bad time–”

Girl: “Mmm… Hold on.”

(I hear the sound of the phone being handed over to another person.)

Man: “Ooh… Mmm… Ahh… Just kidding, mom. What’s up? I thought you were at the spa today.”

Me: “Actually I’m not your mom. This is actually just [My Name] calling from [Opticians] to let you know your order’s been ready for quite some time to pick up.”

Man: “Oh, t-thanks.”

Me: “Yep, that’s no problem. Have a good day.”