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Snaking Around The Truth

, , , , , | Related | June 24, 2014

(I am eight years older than my sister and six years older than my brother, so growing up I helped take care of both of them. My sister is now 24 and loves to tell my husband how I would tell them outlandish stories as kids.)

Sister: “I can’t wait until you have kids so I can pay you back for how [My Name] used to lie to us!”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Like what?”

Sister: “Like the time you told me snakes don’t poop! So they eventually explode!”

Husband: *laughing* “What?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I would tell you that if you listened, you would be able to hear snakes popping in the field behind the house. ‘Shh! There goes one now!'”

Sister: *trying not to laugh* “Or how you told me that the tar patches on the road were little kids who got run over! And that if I got run over, you wouldn’t scrape me up!”

(My husband looks at me, laughing but with a brow raised.)

Me: “Hey, it got you to hold my hand when we crossed the street, didn’t it?”

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Got Them By Hook Or By Crook

, , , , | Working | April 29, 2014

(New starters are often sent on fools’ errands as a method of hazing: shopping for tartan paint, rubber nails etc. If you were smart, you wouldn’t fall for it. If you were smarter, you would pretend to go along with it and instead have a coffee break. My coworker was neither.)

Maintenance Team Leader: “[Coworker], can you go to the stores and pick up some skyhooks. DO NOT leave without at least a half dozen.”

(My coworker goes off.)

Me: “‘Skyhooks’? I haven’t heard of that one before.”

Maintenance Team Leader: *looking smug* “Oh, hooks that hold up the sky. He might struggle to find them…”

Me: “Poor sod. They will probably go along with it as well.”

(An hour passes, and my coworker comes back,. The maintenance guys look thrilled that they have fooled another one.)

Coworker: “They didn’t have any skyhooks in stock… so they had to order them.”

(Quiet laughter can be heard.)

Coworker: “They were £300 each, but I assured them that you had to have them.”

(Smiles turn to confusion, which turn to concern.)

Maintenance Team Leader: “What did you order? Exactly?”

Coworker: “Skyhooks. They are for the conveyor, apparently.”

(The team leader rushes off without another word. It turns out the mythical ‘skyhooks,’ are also a term for a rather expensive piece of equipment. The order was stopped and all fools’ errands were stopped along with it.)

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A-Sister-ing With The Prank

, , , | Working | December 26, 2013

(I am in the military and stationed in Germany. One of the soldiers I am drinking with is being very obnoxious about wanting to try to flirt with every woman he sees.)

Me: “Hey, [Soldier #1]. You should go talk to [Soldier #2]. His sister is coming to visit soon. I heard she gets pretty wild after a few drinks and some dancing.”

([Soldier #1] runs over to [Soldier #2]’s table.)

Soldier #1: “Hey, I heard your sister is coming! You should let me take her out! I’ll take her dancing, show her a good time!”

([Soldier #2], an incredibly large, muscular man, sets down his drink and stares straight ahead.)

Soldier #2: “My sister was paralyzed when she was three years old. She’s never been dancing. Do you think that’s funny?”

Soldier #1: “I… uh… I gotta go.”

Soldier #3: *to me* “That was pretty cold-blooded, man.”

Me: “[Soldier #2] doesn’t have a sister.”

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April Feuds

, , , , | Romantic | May 1, 2013

(My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. In those nine months, we have ‘split up’ six times, in what we call our customary three-day fights. It is when we fight, say it’s over, don’t talk for three days, then we’re fine. We’ve gone our longest spurt without splitting, as we’ve been working on it. It’s April Fool’s Day, and I have a feeling leading up to it that he will pull a fake breakup. His biggest worry is me getting pregnant, even though my tubes are tied. He texts me in the morning.)

Boyfriend: “So, we need to talk.”

Me: “Yeah?”

Boyfriend: “You know what this is. I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but I can’t be in a relationship.”

(I text him a picture of three positive pregnancy tests.)

Me: “You have impeccable timing.”

Boyfriend: “That was a b**** move; LMAO.”

Me: “Fake break up with me; I’ll fake be pregnant.”

Boyfriend: “I was going to drag this out all day and call you at 11:59 tonight to tell you ‘April Fool’s’.”

Me: “And yet, it lasted all of three minutes. Ha! I call that a win.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, yeah. Tiger’s blood. Rub it in.”

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The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

, , | Right | April 5, 2013

(A customer is buying furniture to be delivered and assembled by our tech.)

Customer: “I have cats, so whoever you send over must not be allergic.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

Customer: “Make sure he’s a vegetarian, too.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “He has to have brown hair, and an earring, but no tattoos. He needs to be good at sports.”

Me: “I don’t think we can do all that.”

Customer: “He needs to know a language other than English.”

Me: “You’re just kidding, right?”

Customer: “Yes. Just stick with the no cat allergy request.”

Me: “Alright then.”